Day 40 The SHIT Gurus say Part 3

The syllable gu means shadows The syllable ru, he who disperses them, Because of the power to disperse darkness the guru is thus named. — Advayataraka Upanishad 14—18, verse 5

The tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao The name that can be named is not the eternal Name. The unnamable is the eternally real. Naming is the origin of all particular things. Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations. Yet mystery and manifestations arise from the same source. This source is called darkness. Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding. - (1) Tao Te Ching, Trans. Stephen Mitchell 

 I suggest, that one consider, forgiving yourself for every single point where you have denied yourself the insight, the realization, the common sense that Life is Equal within everyone.  For that, Forgiveness is a tool, because in that you give yourself freedom from your delusion.  - Bernard Poolman

So gurus exist to disperse the darkness? That's so like them. Maybe that's why I never trusted any of them. Krishnmurti (J, not so much U.G. - he was actually kinda cool), Alan Watts, Osho, the Buddha Boy, etc. I just couldn't get behind any spiritual teacher enough to say, "Yes, that's it. I'm following him." When I look back on it, that attitude may have been ingrained within me from when I was involuntarily dragged to different churches during my childhood. I hated them all for the most part, and I especially loathed the preachers. I hate to get all Holden Caulfield on ya, but anyone could see they were all phonies. If I was going to accept spirituality, it would have to be acceptable on my own terms, not what somebody else said about it. My problem was that I accepted too much of it, far too much to see and recognize the farce and the illusion of its entirety. Yes, that's right, I knew and understood that most of spirituality was bullshit. Course of Miracles? Bullshit. The Urantia Book? Bullshit. Ramtha? Bullshit. But the Seth Material, the works of the ancient Gnostics, Theosophy and Conversations with God? Oh, those were just fine! I bought into those works because they contained the right amount of pure bullshit that I found agreeable. That’s the key. Everybody tends to gravitate towards the perspective that carries the same frequency of their programming, knowledge and information. And then become controlled by that.

What is interesting is that all these works have the same built-in deficiencies: not one of those sources of “wisdom” addressed why so much evil shit kept happening, and for all intent and purposes, that evil shit seemed to grow at an exponential rate with each new day. The more I got into it, the more it began to frustrate me. I didn't really want to know the secret behind existence as much as learning what could be done to fix and repair this world. In the end, spirituality taught me that it could only offer vague blandishments and esoteric, meaningless bullshit. Spirituality contains no solution, you know. Bullshit, no matter how esoteric or meaningless, is never about a solution. That's why it's bullshit. But in the hands of a master bullshit artist, like a politician or a guru, one can make anything sound beautiful and relevant. And since people have been programmed to equate flowery bullshit with "truth" and "nice feelings," they can find more than enough dupes to subsidize their lifestyle and self-illusion. Most people are content with living with bullshit. But gurus make their followers feel “special” by dispensing “pure bullshit.” As Riz Mirza says, “It’s a great gig.”

And now you know why gurus exist - to find people to subsidize their lavishly-built spiritual illusions. The job of the guru is present themselves as shortcuts to Enlightenment. And that for a commission, they can shortcut enlightenment for you, too. The Guru will promise if you follow his methodology, teachings and perspectives, you can become "more" than you are now. You will become a “new being” if you will chose to feel "happiness" and positive and believe that your new self-definition is real without doing a goddamn thing. Well, except giving the guru money, recognition and followers. Gurus teach how to "disperse the darkness" of the real world be escaping from it by fleeing into a false consciousness filled with rainbows, unicorns, energy, light and love and feelings.

It is unfortunate for gurus and their hapless followers that they will never consider that their knowledge, consciousness, energy and feelings – everything that makes them feel good about themselves - are not real. The only reality that matters is the one they are trying to escape from. And the gurus and their followers of Light and Love are too enamored with their own perspectives to ever break free of their self-delusion to consider anything that doesn’t “feel good” or justify their self-interest.

So, how did I manage to break out of that spirituality bubble? I realized that it didn’t answer the questions that I had or cared about. I wanted to know about why the world was so fucked up and people were so shitty to each other. Why governments and corporations have been allowed to run rampant over the lives of beings that have become disposable commodities. I didn’t see the connection between all of that and walking around with a phantom of St. Germaine on Mount Shasta or being in contact with aliens. I couldn’t connect the dots. It was an interesting detour from the awful reality of this world, but the awful reality world never went away. And I guess in the end, I felt more of a connection to the abused and the disposable and the powerless in the world. That’s why when I finally bumped into the Desteni Material, I felt like, “Wow. This is the shit!” The missing blanks filled in with common sense and hard, gritty substance that did not forsake the real world. The search was over. The news that the Desteni Material brings isn’t a sugar-coated cake to make you feel good about yourself – but it will make you reconsider your priorities, and more importantly – take goddamn action to really change yourself and your world. If you are only concerned with maintaining your own special, light - filled scene, then you’ll only see demons. Which is to say, you’re only seeing a reflection of yourself.

DAY 39 THE SHIT Gurus Say Part 2

And still there's more.

I had another realization upon waking up this morning. The dynamic of the seeking and the search for the "ultimate truth" about life is as old as there have been human being with enough consciousness to wonder what this life is all about. The gurus, more or less, have always said it's to follow their methods or the Gods or a specific religion or "path," or whatever, but recently (well, within the past 150 years or so) a new raison d'être has been offered: to be happy, healthy and goddammit - to feel good! I hear it feels good doing cocaine and heroin and crystal meth - but do it enough and it will kill you.

Is this the crap that passes for "wisdom" these days?  Even a sociopath will feel good about taking advantage of another and feel nothing for any suffering his actions will cause another. People who are religious will "feel good" about their religion and not pay attention or care about their fellow human beings, and will feel good about dropping bombs on them or starve them in order to destroy or convert rival religionists.

Obviously, the "feeling good" bit is a purely sinister piece of garbage that this Light-peddlers push to others to consume. How unfortunate for them that they have no idea that the light they worship and love is something they have no understanding of -  or even the awareness of its vampiric, reptilian nature. How better to control and consume a being's life-force than make it feel good and warm and fuzzy to that being? They will not only love (or notice) that their life-essence is being drained away, they will throw their money at anyone who shows them how to become a willing, unsuspecting victim!

I read this bit this morning, from Creation's Journey to Life:

Consciousness is simply the attempt of the system to understand itself. It‘s the attempt of the Organic Robot as the human trying to understand its point and its purpose within a system. A system within a system attempting to “evolve” into something. It knows there is something. It knows there must be something more, but it can't find it. Because, it's never really looked. 

It’s because the point that you know that is “more” is the point that you don't want to look at. It is the point that takes away all your specialness, it takes away all your fear. It takes away all what you regard you to be, so that what remains; is that which is Equal in Everyone. [1]

You know, this also came up after last night's blog. There was something fascinating to me about the gnostic drama of the Demiurge. The Demiurge in ancient pre-Christian religions was a prideful, inferior being that creates the material world and was frequently identified with the creator God of the Hebrew Bible by pagan sects. His world was flawed because the Creator was flawed, and this explained why the world was so fucked up. This made sense to me, much more than a "good God" creating a flawed and fallen world, as my Christian friends would say. However, there was a point that nobody looks at, and I was among that number.

The Gnostics claimed that there was a "higher" Good God that was "alien" and totally unconnected with this world and that this God somehow - and there are various systems and diagrams and differences of opinion on how this was accomplished - was able to place a secret particle of itself within human beings that it called back to the "Source" of this Good-Alien-God, just as long as you knew the right combination of words or symbols or teacher to follow. This is what we call a back-door. This is what we call self-limitation.

Stay with me. It's a back-door because even this seemingly ingenious model of salvation offers a familiar illusory escape from one's responsibility of having to deal with the world by saying it is "someone else's fault," when all you have is the mind's fiendishly clever acrobatics to escape the hook.

It is self-limitation because nobody ever considers the awful possibility that there is no benevolent Big Daddy watching out for all us poor souls slaughtering and being murdered by each other. It never occurred to me that it was possible that the Light could be the best masquerade for evil ever devised. It never occurred to me to contemplate the ramifications that our universe could be governed by a malevolent force that meant to use us as food. Well, until the first Matrix movie came out. Then I could see it wasn't beyond belief. And when I discovered the Desteni Material, I was able to put 1 + 1 together.

What have we done: 

In the forms and the systems and our expressions we have taken on – we have disregarded Life, and we have made the system, the personality, the ‘spirit-idea’ of everything more than what Life is. 

We have in fact become ‘larger than Life’, and in that has been our demise. 

We have lost our humbleness. We have lost our consideration of each other. We have lost ‘love’ in fact. 

And we’ve made of ‘love’ a definition, an idea, something that we’re attempting to express – but we do not within it consider that it exist in fact within each one as Life. And that Life in consideration of itself within all equally: Is what Love really is. It is within that – which we are One.

[1]http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/day-485-end-of-self-awareness-part-3.html#sthash.U4fv7sXf.dpuf

Day 38 The SHIT Gurus Say

I came across this post on facebook by some lightworker guru that goes by the name of Riz Mirza and something called the "Circle of Light." Mirza posts a lot of this positive-feeling, light n' love pap on a daily basis, and I usually just skip over his posts without commenting. But the other day I stopped long enough to take in what Mirza was laying down, to my regret. Here it is:

The words will only take you so far if you do not change the feeling inside of you that you are not “complete.” That what you are seeking is what shall set you free instead of what you ARE setting you free. Setting free the inner truth of your Being. You see, life then becomes a search to find the ultimate truth in everything. An exclusive search for an exclusive truth. Who knows it? Which guru? Which book? Which modality? What place on Earth is the most spiritual? It is people who make any place spiritual. Any place becomes spiritual when it is you who surrender to Love."Emmanuel channeled by Riz Mirza at The Circle of Light Red Eagle Ranch, Malibu— with Oriah Mirza.

Darryl Thomas Does the present moment sounds like it holds empty, New Age gibberish?

Riz Mirza Sounds like you already made up your mind about it Darryl. Why even phrase it as a question? The NOW is the present moment in my belief, and I choose to believe in its limitlessness. All beliefs are a choice and I love my choices. They work for me very well!

Darryl Thomas Life is not a "search for ultimate truth." This shows me you do not have much understanding of reality. Life isn't about a "search for truth," because the truth only exist as who you are in any given moment. The key is to understand that seeking knowledge and information are the surest way of becoming ensnared by the chains of enslavement of consciousness. Choose to believe as you wish - if you dare to understand the "truth" of belief is simple - you believe something is true because you say it's true. But it doesn't actually make it true, Riz Mirza.

Riz Mirza It sure does make it true for me and thats all that matters Darryl. Whatever I Believe is true! And I am so happy! Hope you are too!

Darryl Thomas Yeah, you go on, then. Because being happy is the most important thing one can achieve, especially in a world torn apart by self-interest, war, starvation, poverty and violence. Being a guru must be a great gig. I mean, as long as YOU ARE HAPPY - what else matters?

Riz Mirza Nothing else matters except happiness and I do it by loving people. And I go on and on till the break of dawn. It's an awesome gig.



And there you have it. According to Riz Mirza, "nothing else matters except happiness." I reckon he means "nothing else matters than his own personal happiness." All the people destroyed and torn apart from the suffering in life? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. Wars, poverty and economic abuse that reduces good people into cheap-clothes producing slaves? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. Children dying of starvation and a poisoned environment? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. Governments claiming they can't feed the poor but seem to have plenty of money to pay for wars and the destruction of human lives that entails? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. 

And, get this, Riz Mira will "go on and on till the break of dawn." There it is - your Light N Love Burger serving of the day, the worst kind of solipsistic navel-worshipping bullshit masquerading as some kind of philosophical "wisdom." And that this bullshit is "channelled" by something called "Emmanuel" makes it even worse! Really? "Emmanuel?" How original. 

Apparently this "Emmanuel," which actually only a pathetic portion of Riz Mirza's mind that has broken off as a separate personality and talks to other people (a condition that psychiatrists would "multiple personality disorder"), has nothing really enlightening or compelling (or original) to say. What he is saying is the opposite of profundity. "The present moment has everything you need to manifest all that you desire." Is that so? Is manifesting all that I desire the fucking point in anyone's life? Is that the "ultimate truth" in life? Is that the reason why were are here on this wonderful green planet - you know, the only place we have to live... the only place in the universe we can call home, the same home we are all busily turning into a fantastically fetid, ghastly pile of shit? Are you sad and unhappy with yourself? Emmanuel and Riz Mirza says, "Don't worry, be happy!" 

Which is the biggest reason why people have always fallen for the lines that these slick, snake-oil salesmen dressed in fancy white suits lay down. People only care about themselves. And those people are the New Age's BIGGEST CUSTOMERS! I used to go all in within the New Age movement back in the 1980s, but I could never get used to that attitude of the overarching self-importance and pursuit of personal happiness at the expense of everything else that was going wrong in the world. It never made sense to me then, but I learned a long time ago that these light-blinded fools, as exemplified by the vacuous, dishonest and stealthily sinister hogwash put forward by hucksters like Riz Mirza, only care about their own ascended asses. Nobody else matters to them except those that help feed and nurture their despicable arrogance.

If this seems a bit harsh, it's because you do not know how awful these people are. What makes them awful is that they are helping perpetuate the systems of economic enslavement, mental tyranny and a love n light authoritarianism that serves only one purpose - to make these gurus famous and rich without serving any higher purpose. And above all, THEY ARE LYING THEIR ASSES OFF. It's unreal. 

Thanks for reading. I had to get that off of my chest.

The (Former) Seeker

Day 35. Planning

Planning. I like to plan things, especially when there's a great potential for me to have a bunch of fun. Sometimes I become a bit obsessive until I feel a tide of revulsion rising within me - I believe I've considered that point enough!

Lately I have been wondering if such planning is done as a coping mechanism to get away from the present-here, which at the moment is filled with boredom and ennui, It's more interesting in finding the right formula for my plans in every detail. Later I realize that I am obsessing for obsession's sake. Don't know about yours, but my mind will find all kinds of ways to entertain me and keep me occupied within my head. I reckon it's call to plan some things, but I am quite sure I'm taking it too far. And in that, I realize it is taking me from facing self. So clever that mind of mine!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dominated by my mind's focus on getting me to obsess over certain things that keep me from being here,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my mind to focus on things rather than what's here. I really don't care for this as my relationship to my mind resembles the master-slave relationship (with you-know-who as the slave).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see time wasted in my day looking up things on the Internet.

I commit myself to be more self-aware when I experience my mind taking over my day. That's what happens and I don't have any time to waste. So I commit myself to carry on and realize that tomorrow never comes. Especially for those who spend too much time planning for it.

Day 34. Living in a Body

Lately I've been wondering what the relationship between "me" (which would be my conscious awareness) and my body. I'm not talking about the mind-body dichotomy in general, I'm talking about my own mind/body specifically. Hang on.

What's been bugging me lately is that I may (no, probably) have gone beyond the point of no return in this body - AKA "awareness of one's mortality." And it's not even fear of death, which would be understandable. It's just an awful realization that not only one's body is ageing, but parts are beginning to creak, rattle and not work as designed. It's planned obsolescence by the Creator.
Interesting the Good Lord created organisms with a ticking time bomb buried inside.  But I don't believe in the Good Lord, anyway. I'm here within an existential reality where nothing or nobody is in charge of this reality. That's why religions exist; to act as a buffer against existential uncertainty - for if God hadn't existed, humanity would have invented Him. Which is what happened.

Being God, of course, means that no deity may be burdened with self-responsibility. It boggles my mind that nobody gets this. Bodies are born, grown, linger and die. I am hopeful that what we see is only part of the cycle while the unseen chthonic part is equalizing or collaborating with some unknown factor as it cycles its way through Creation. I realize that speaking this way is just another way of talking about God and wishing for an "answer." I guess we're all programmed to do this. Amazing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for endlessly creating religions without realizing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself as my body because it seems to be breaking on me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking that's not too cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed realizations that I then  don't act on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting at times to give up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry because I believe my body is trying to kill me.
I commit myself to continue to stabilize my body, so I won't feel out of place or insignificant.

Day 33. Waiting for Superman

Superman represents invulnerability, fair play, Mom, Apple Pie and the American Way. As such, Superman is all-powerful and always manages to get to the scene in the nick of time. Apparently, nothing can really kill him. The Man of Steel is much like Jesus or a God.

When I say, "Waiting for Superman," I believe the phrase represents something that is nestled deep within the American consciousness. It's like a back door desire that claims "someone or something will come - and you won't have to take responsibility for yourself.

Aw, thanks, Superman. I didn't know you were taking my self-responsibility from me.

There are times in the past (and sometimes in the present, too) where I ask myself, what am I waiting on? What am I waiting for? I have no idea. I must be waiting for an act of God or something to stimulate. But it never comes. I'm still the same, old, me.Waiting for Supermen is pointless because he isn't real. So I'm waiting on myself, Again...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "wait" for something to happen instead of making something happen, or at the very least, perform some act that gets the ball rolling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for Superman instead of realizing that by doing so I am abdicating my self-directive principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility seriously which leads to getting stuck in a rut for too long.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not knowing I was abdicating my self-directive principle.
I commit myself to have a firmer grasp on what giving my self-direction away instead of using it, not for selfish ends, but to benefit of all.
I commit myself to no longer rely on waiting. All waiting does is keep you in a passive state that offers a fantasy that isn't real.

Day 32. Not Finishing What I Start

I have a problem of not being able to finish what I started, whether it be writing, researching or doing chores, I seem to always lose interest in what I am doing, procrastinate or just waling away from the issue. This may turn into another blog tomorrow about being "lazy," but for now, let's stay on this before I stop yet again.

So, not finishing... it's so easy, isn't it. Giving up or putting it off so I can relax in the center of my world. I've become spoiled in my old age. If I don't want to do something, I only have one person who may say something about it, so that's not going to stop me. Doing what I want - and that means being a tiny God in my tiny world - seems to be more important than getting things done that I believe I don't have time to do or want to do. This can only mean that I am not standing equal to my mind/ego's will. Which is unacceptable to me.Because if I allow this, then it means I am unable to change. And the beat goes on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and not fully focus on whatever it is I'm doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-directive principle to my mind which then decides what will happen in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is "okay" to quit on projects or chores before I'm done in order to do nothing and satisfy my mind's ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal with my mind, allowing the mind to win every time without challenge or direction. 

I commit myself to finally break through the wall of not finishing what I start though not allowing the mind to have its way with me. I commit myself to move through the resistances and delays and barriers my mind throws up at me in order to protect itself from fears.

Day 30. Complaining

I hate complainers and I hate complaining even more. Really, the only thing worse about hearing someone complain is hearing myself complain. It makes me feel small and spiteful. Not while I'm complaining, but later after I've calmed down. I usually feel a small twinge of embarrassment. Especially when someone is complaining about your's truly. Then I feel pissed off. Then I ask myself who takes complaining seriously?

So everybody - STOP COMPLAINING! When you do it makes me want to run through a hospital with a Bic Lighter.
But seriously, complaining is a reaction of frustration and blame. And getting over such blaming and complaining takes a tremendous effort (and self-forgiveness). So for all you complainers out there, a simple message for you all: it gets better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having lived my life as anger through complaining. Complaining seems like you're fixing a problem while you're actually only talking. Or thinking. It feels like venting in this way relieves "pressure," but it really only compresses and crystallizes whatever you're complaining about. It's like a flame that burns and never goes out since it is constantly fuelled by emotions, feelings and desires to get even somehow with what I'm complaining about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into complaining instead of breathing and looking at the thing I'm complaining about is really that big of a deal.

I commit myself to stop complaining and not take things that aren't to my liking in a personal way.
I commit myself to stop complaining because I believe I'm helping myself out, because I know that I am not helping myself out.  I'm just blaming and accusing which places me into a timeloop again and again. I stop. I realize finally that it doesn't do me any good.

Day 29. The Citizen

I've had an interesting time as a US  Citizen. I've seen a lot of Shenanigans, to put it ever so lightly, out of my fellow citizens. But let it be known, I was never a proper citizen to be sure. Almost all the training in citizenship is a single class on American Government in your senior year in high school, so by then it is useless to gain any appreciation of the sizeless chasm that yawns between textbook and reality. This is one reason among many why the American Government gets away with so much shit. We as citizens have abdicated our rights to create a Government that reflected the highest ideals of justice and equality. So now we have quite a job to make America worthy of its ideals instead of having to carry this sodden carcass of shame and guilt for what we as citizens have accepted and allowed this country to become; a neoliberal wet dream that faithfully follows Jesus' words,

"Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him."

The purveyors of the Bible will claim that this statement only refers to those who refuse to accept the Word of Christ, but Jesus, if he did say something to this effect, must have used the plainest language he could to communicate to the people. Given this view, Jesus is bitterly laying bare the psychology of the human mind, it's insatiable greed, mendacity, and an unholy determination to make others suffer for no reason other than puffing up the little dictator in your mind. And remember, this is the schematic for the neoliberal agenda.

The neoliberal agenda consists of cutting or better, eliminating public services (why?), total deregulation of companies so they can dominate each other, privatize everything that was used for the public good, like roads, libraries, schools. This is what Mitt Romney would have liked to deliver to his country club billionaire gang. But I digress.

The main thing is that we as citizens don't really care about anything beyond our small inconsequential bubble that to us seems like the entire world. We don't care about each other because we believe we don't have the time. I live between two houses and in the two years residing here I do not know either family. We carry masks when we leave our homes and think it's an accomplishment not to have a fucked up day dealing with other people. Ironically, it is within the relationships we form with others that may hold the key, if somehow we could become self-honest with ourselves and then with each other. Be all our sins remembered, as we forgive ourselves, Citizens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not trusted myself with others, and I forgive myself that I have not trusted others around me. It is the fear that is the human condition that drives us all back to our homes where we pray that we are safe and separate from each other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and deny my citizenship thinking that such a move would give me "liberty."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to becoming angry with my fellow citizens when they went ape shit celebrating the War in Iraq. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate those who drove in cars with their stupid USA flag decals. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for hating them all and wishing them harm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fellow Americans are the dumbest people in the world. I can't stand that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being impatient and frustrated with Americans due to the fact that they are being led like sheep to the slaughter, and they don't care.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and angry with American leaders, who are in this arena to fatten their pockets along with their friend's pockets while the rest of America (the 99%) can go get fucked.

Therefore, I commit myself to remain critical of American stupidity, but not make it personal.
I commit myself to build stronger relationships with others in my community.
I commit myself to not carry anger and frustration towards my fellow citizens, since equality and oneness starts within each of us before hitting the streets.
I commit myself to stop judgemental back-chats towards other Americans, even when they say or do stupid things.
I commit myself to be more supportive within the political systems so we can change the rest of the systems.
I commit myself to become more tolerant of people who don't share my views.

Day 28. The Metaphysician

I really wasn't much of a metaphysician after the notion hit me. In fact, by virtue of a singular mystical experience that should never have happened to one like me. The "experience" which I never was  able to discern on my own, was a puzzle I couldn't crack. So I turned to the books of the Metaphysician, ancient and modern. Instead of getting to know myself, I wasted years trying in vain to get a handle on one unfathomable experienced that lasted all of 30 seconds. If only I had spent my time gaining common sense instead of looking to others to explain my experiences.

I poured myself into the ocean of wisdom and ancient teachings that offered up a surprising phrase or two, but I didn't notice that those words did nothing to improve my life. I learned far to late that words and sentences alone to not add anything of value in this world. I just felt "a lot more smarter" than anyone else. It's so strange to me now when look back on myself in those days. I thought I had a pretty good wisdom thing going on, but it was just useless junk that floated around in my head. I was a Metaphysician. It was like a club that existed only for me. I secretly wished for some metaphysical intervention, but alas, I was duped. I bought channelling books by the truckload. Can't say that it helped me at all, except to never place my faith in things that reek of deceptions, which was hard to swallow since that shit
sounded reasonable at the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for placing value on an experience that was mysterious and an enigma, and that such experiences are important and meaningful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel "special" that something mysterious happened to me thus it was an experience of metaphysics.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to others as sources that gave what I believed in validity.\
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enchanted by New Age balderdash, because I believed they had the same inside poop that I had.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that my time as a Metaphysician was of little consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had some "special gift."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be duped by my own bubble of knowledge and information. It only led me in circles without getting a hold of why metaphysics has to exist in the first place.

I commit myself to never again fall for the teachings of others who are as in the dark as I am when it comes to metaphysics.
I commit myself to never fall for the fluffy tones of the Metaphysician.
I am ready to find out who I really am, and to prepare myself into the living of self-honesty and common sense.

Day 27. The Rebel

"I'm like the wind. Nobody gets me, baby."

The rebel in me is the rebel you see.

I suppose everyone will rebel against something in their lives. I know I have. It's due to the absurd way that we live, stuck in some positing within a pecking order that is infinite and specific. One always has to be mindful of the authorities. And what makes authority such a potent fear-making machine, but the long arms of authority's reach - into your home, your bedroom, your finances, your job, your "spiritual nature," even?

When I check the history books, I see that the Rebel hasn't generally fared too well when all is said and done. Revolutions are the biggest bust, usually. Look at what's happened to Egypt's "Arab Spring" has wrought. The citizens managed to dislodge a dictator from office after 30-odd years, only to replace him with a dude who just announced he has just given himself dictatorial powers, by a decree - literally a page that someone typed up and gave to the press. This is what the Arab Spring has given Egypt. The latest entry in the book entitled, "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

Other types of rebellion follow the same pattern or become an irrelevancy. Case in point; the atheist campaign against religion. Won't do any good. We're going to have to wait for a few more generations to de-religionize this country and the world. Atheists cannot intervene - only people who are hypnotized and mind-controlled by religion can deprogram themselves. Besides, atheists won't hear this either, by they have only created a religion to combat religion. Great job.

I supposed I rebelled against some of the most important systems in this world. Marriage, family, financial... I saw myself as a being that held free will and had to fight against authority to retain it. I didn't realize that my free will wasn't operational. All my actions and "decisions" had their starting point in a reaction to fear. Fear, it turns out, is the engine that drives each and every one of us every step of every day of our lives. I guess I'm rebelling against free will now. I'm laying this down so you can pick up on it. Rebelling for the sake of rebelling isn't going to give you much of a return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the power of rebellion, not realizing that all I was doing was falling into a trap of predictable failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my rebellions would make me happier and a more free person. I know that after all that rebellion that I no better off than before.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not checking my starting point for rebelling against what I perceived as authority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that rebellion against others made me more "intelligent" than everyone else, because it proved that everyone else were sheep too stupid to realize that they were being used.

I commit myself to dismiss the importance and legitimacy of the concept of "rebellion." It is Fool's Gold." If one's starting point doesn't take everyone into consideration and for the best for all, then any rebellion will be worthless, because the result will not be what is best for all. And what happens then is one gets more of the same, if not worse.

Day 26: The Colleague at Work

 

I've worked my share of dead-end and unrewarding jobs in my life, and since I've started my own business, I've realized that working for a company or other people wasn't all that fun. Or meaningful. Or lucrative. It seems to me now life a series of prison sentences where I was stuck in one place for 8 hours a day having to deal with all kinds of people, most I tried to like, but were often annoying or hideously rude (which is what you get when you work in "customer service."

I always loved that term, "customer service," where one "services" "customers." But rude and clueless customers were only one part of the equation of why I hated so many of those kind of jobs. The other half of my tale of woe belongs to my coworkers.

Ah, my colleagues and managers. There have been some that I became quite fond of, and others that I've thankfully forgotten and others who were just jackasses that I seriously would have liked to kill them.

But you have to work with others. No escaping that. I just wish they were sitting in a cubicle on the other side of the building.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed at people I worked with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to get away from some people I worked with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge these coworkers for getting in my way and making my job harder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the managers who I worked for to be clueless about what went on in their own store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have "favorites" of who I worked with and others who were not my favorites.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking that other workers were lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being aloof towards some coworkers I didn't want to get to know me.

I commit myself to not engage in secret mind banter about my coworkers.

I commit myself to not engage in forming secret mind groupings where I place people I like and people I don't like in separate groups.

I commit myself to be more tolerant of stranger I have to work with and not hold judgments about them in my mind.

Day 25 The Cultural Snob

The Cultural Snob as one of my personalities isn't what you may at first glance think of. I'm not of those in the upper classes who look down upon the lower classes. I'm snobbish (tending to look down upon) on people who blindly crow about how wonderful America is.

It's not that I feel American Culture is worthy of praise (it really isn't. American Exceptionalism be damned), or that its values and contributions have made the world a better place (absolutely not), or that its customs and mores are worth duplicating the world over. My kind of cultural snobbishness is my own accumulation of my likes and dislikes which I believe that if everyone shared it, our world would be a much better place.

And to this goes my political snobbishness, which is stridently finding fault with the current power structure. For example, democrats and republicans are useless placeholders of our political system. There is really not that much difference between a conservative and a liberal; they both want to keep the status quo (and the perilous state of the "middle class" at) on indefinite hold.  All the middle class does is act as the buffer between the very poor and the very wealthy. That's always been the role of the "middle class" from Day 1 of this republic.

Economical bearishness causes me to hold my nose when I hear people defend capitalism and its social contract when it is obvious that countries that adopt some kind of socialism enjoy a higher quality of life than good ole America! They bemoan socialism while cheering for social security, corporate welfare, medicare -- but giving American Citizens free health care (like they do in more civilized countries) is one step closer to Armageddon. Idiots.

Cultural snobbishness: what I like in the Arts is the best the Arts have to offer. My favorite painter also happens to be the best painter the world has ever known, in my opinion. snobbishness always comes from opinions, don't they? Plainly put, snobbishness, in its tendency to look down on others and judge them for being slow on the uptake, isn't good for me in my process.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look down on people who don't live up to my expectations.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look down on my fellow Americans because they are ignorant and clueless on how they are being used by the same hand that's enslaving us.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to allow this to frustrate me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a snob that has no tolerance of contrary views against what I have considered.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm right and they're wrong.

I commit myself to let go of the snobbery and judgments towards those who disagree with my opinions.
I commit myself to realize thatbeing a snob of any kind is simply not necessary.

Day 24: The Comedian

What is a comedian? Someone who tells jokes or stories in a humorous way. Someone witty and clever. I became a comedian because it kept me sane while growing up in a world that became more ludicrous and absurd the older I got. Absurd = absolute nonsense. The absurdity of life has so impressed human beings that a philosophy, existentialism, was created just to try and make sense out of it. At times my life was full of events so bizarre and preposterous that when tragedy struck again and again, all I could do was laugh about it.

I understood how jokes and comedy worked. Comedy is always based on lies or deceptions that blow back on the instigator in some way. Look at any situation comedy in the history of television and you'll see that what I am saying is valid.

Some of my favorite novels excel at extolling this trait of comedy/ Such as Catch-22. Television shows like Peep Show and Extras. To keep myself from getting beat up so much as a kid, I relied on self-deprecating humor. It worked. But I never really understood why I had to imagine life was an exercise in absurdity. Because everything we do is directed to deceive and divert attention from ourselves. And sometimes, or often, hilarity ensues.

Life is not a joke, however. I believe we can all agree on that. Life can be unimaginably cruel and painful, and there are no laughs to be had for the billions of people who are not able to enjoy themselves with a chuckle.

One time I was staying with a friend who got upset about something... I don't remember, nut may have been something I did. Anyway, I made a joke about it and she said, "Don't do that. You can't interrupt someone's pain with a joke." At first I thought she was being a little too precious, but now, I think she may have had a point. However, having a sense of humor can't be the worst thing in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perform as a comedian without understanding why I do so,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on using self-deprecating humor in menacing situations instead of just standing up for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the mask of the comedian, as I did so to keep people at arms' length, and so I was engaging in deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for using humor sometimes to be the center of attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unaware of my actions when engaging within the personality role of the Comedian.

I commit myself to not employ comedy

Day 23: The Atheist

During my career as a long-standing atheist, amazingly it has just occurred to me that I have probably never changed the mind of one single religionist. Certainly nobody in my family, who no longer speak to me, but that's okay. I'm not missing the acrimony and the obligatory sea of bitter recrimination, thank you.

Atheists, listen to me. You are never going to change the mind of a religionist no matter what you say or how many times you call them "stupid."  It's pointless. And if you go to the atheist reddit dungeon, Christ Almighty, it's simply ridiculous the way the atheists bitch and moan about how stupid Christians, Muslims and Jews are. I get it - the meme  posters can be funny (on both sides) - but it's never going to get the religion out of the person. You might as well pray to an invisible man in the sky, as it will give you the same results. I guys the wise - guys at r/atheism  believe they're doing something without actually... um, doing something.

Well, I used to be the same way, full disclosure. My eyes would light up like a lighthouse beacon on a clear night. Still do. One of my favorite pastimes was to find out that someone was a Christian and attempt to engage them into a border war discussion (always friendly). I thought I was doing them a favor, but it never really produced a "thank you," in any case.

The other arena I found myself relishing the religious debate was of course, on the Internet. I really enjoyed taking the piss out of nitwits who attacked members of Desteni and felt justified in bashing then (always friendly) to pieces on You Tube or wherever. After a while, I got tired of it. If Christians or have been hypnotized by their holy books, so be it. They're hypnotized. I just have to find minds that are a wee bit more open. These folks usually make better conversation anyway.

The best way for atheists to deal with religious people is to leave them alone. Most atheists behave like religionists, anyway - and the funny thing is that they don't see the evangelical nature of meme - ing the Internet to death.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for thinking that Christians were stupid and too dull to realize that they've been duped, as I didn't understand that these people had been assaulted by the mind control devices that are the "holy books" of religion. I realize there's not much that can be done in these people and I commit myself in not doing that anymore.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy engaging in war - like arguments about religion, pitting what I thought was my superior intellect and point of view towards defeating the religious imbeciles. I realize this is counter - productive, and a waste of time, for I will only be seen as a "test" that was sent from God, anyway. So I commit myself to not doing that anymore.

Day 22: What haven't I seen Part 2

Part 2 from yesterday:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not paying attention to details.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse my inattention to detail by saying, "But I'm not a detail guy!"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not paying attention which caused me to miss my job interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for becoming depressed about missing my interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for blaming myself for missing my interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for "tuning out" when people talk to me. This began when I was a child, tuning out to whatever my mother was saying after I thought I understood what was going on, and I've carried this throughout my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when my past employers want to tell me something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when my past relationship partners wanted to tell me something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tune out when Denise would start talking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for tuning out because people bore me with their talking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when I'm reading something because it's boring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when I am reading because my mind assumes I know what someone is trying to say.
I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself become distracted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not listening.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for realizing tuning out isn't acceptable, but I do it anyway
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tuning out because I can't be HERE when I do that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated when someone is talking and I don't want to listen to them anymore.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to be left alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to tell people when they get boring to "shut up."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not paying attention when people are talking to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm smarter than most people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not taking responsibility for my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for forgetting to breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for judging myself when I don't breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling helpless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  for fearing of feeling helpless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've forgotten how to cry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not standing up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel without worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling useless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for feeling like nothing is going to work my way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people with jobs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who have a play to stay.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who have nice cars.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who can buy anything they want, at anytime.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who seem to live carefree lives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people with lots of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who don't have to work at crummy jobs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself for being jealous at the people who can go to the store and buy as much food as they want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being more effective in standing up to the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for beating myself up because of not paying attention.

I commit myself with stopping the urge to drift off in my mind's arcade gallery. especially when someone is trying to communicate with me.
I commit myself to become less irritated when I have to listen to someone communicating with me when I am "busy" or rather be doing something else than talking to this person. That irritation is a learned pattern that I developed within my family and it doesn't serve me anymore, so I am committed in dropping that response and breathe and relax.
I commit myself to stop feelings of jealousy towards others who I perceive having "more" than I. That kind of response doesn't serve me and so I am committed to drop that response as well

Day 17: The Liar

The Liar. Have you met me? Have you met yourself?

The act of lying attempts to assuage the fear of what the liar unquestionably knows. The Liar lives with an ubiquitous fear of the truth of themselves.

When I lie, it is because I fear expressing the truth of myself. I may not be understood or accepted without the lies. Lying makes the fear of ourselves and others easier to tolerate. As liars, we make sport of beliefs by transforming what we know and don't know into another version of reality. We all need lies to make ourselves look better, sound better, appear better than the truth allows. And since the truth allows deceit, so much the better for us liars.

When I lie, it's done to cover up something that I said or did that I don't want you to know about because I need to look good for those I care about looking good for. Otherwise, the fear of a diminishment of stature rises within me, which needs to be quelled and silenced.

Besides, I'm sure you have noticed how much easier it is to lie than to tell the truth. Lying is second nature to most of us. The Lying Character was born from the memory of being burned (or threatened of being burned)  by the truth. The fear of the Truth may very well be one of the biggest fears within the human being.

Another factor of why we are such great liars is due to motivation. We have all seen others commit acts which lack integrity and foster greed, which seems to allow us all to copy these patterns of dishonest behavior. And it is all due to our inability to post up against the million faces of fear.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to submit to and take upon the mantle of the Liar.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences without the benefit of lies.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deceive others with my lies, not realizing that I was only ever deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to find more comfort in telling lies than in telling the truth, especially about the truth of myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the character of the Liar as a coping tool against existential uncertainty and memories of suffering for the truth.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can "get away with lying," without realizing that nobody ever gets away with lying.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to know that I am self-dishonest yet also believe that I am a "good person," which is living one ginormous paradox.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie and cheat and still believe that I'm a good person.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to equate "success" with "never being caught in a lie."
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to equate "never being caught in a lie," with "cleverness."
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the Liar character in order to present a false picture presentation to others because I feared that presenting who I really am was insufficient.

I commit myself to not utilize the Liar Character in order to make myself more acceptable to others. Because what does that really mean? For others to have a more "favorable" opinion of who I am? People who don't even know me in the first place? It's simply an exercise in ego-building for me to manipulate people to have a favorable opinion of me. Useless. Irrelevant. Meaningless. Because what good does someone's opinion about me matter in this world. Not a whole hell of a lot.
I commit myself to not equate lying with cleverness. It isn't clever. It's stupid. When one is engaged with lying, one is engaging with creating a separation based on fear. It's a path to nowhere.
I commit myself to work on decreasing the amount of lies I tell every day and to grow in being more comfortable and open with others. 90-95% of the lies I tell are probably unnecessary, anyway. And 100% of my lies are based on fears. So by reducing the lies in my life I also reduce the fears, which to me is time well spent.
I commit myself to become more self-honest.

Day 14: The Husband

Having been twice-married, I have lived through the experience of being a "husband." Since both marriages failed I suppose it could be easily said that I also failed as a husband, which I don't mind admitting. I completely went through the motions of being a husband and never really took the role all that seriously. It was just another of the various identities I wore for a time.

The etymology of the word husband comes from the Nordic languages, "Husbondi" (master of the house). And at least I fulfilled that requirement as I managed to uphold. The "life partner" to the wife, not so good, obviously. When I bring the experiences of my marriages to the present and look at them, I see that I existed within my own private bubble of thoughts, secrets and perspectives that I never shared. Neither wife had any idea who I really was. I don't blame them. I simply didn't know how to share myself within any type of honesty, let alone self-honesty. As I have said, it was as if I was performing a role, and a rather shallow one at that. I did not tell the women who ended up marrying me that I really didn't want to marry them. I simply went along with it. You could say that I sacrificed myself for them so they wouldn't be alone because nobody else would marry them (or so I thought). I didn't tell either one that from the first day of marriage I would be leaving open a back door to escape at my time of choosing.  At the time I didn't know what I really wanted, to be free or to be legally bound to someone for the rest of my life. It was so much work trying to find someone interested in me in the first place. And while I never deluded myself that I was "in love" with either woman, it seemed to be a better bet just being with someone however which way they wanted it. They both asked and I agreed and immediately regretted the decision. Why couldn't I just say what I really felt? Because I was a coward. Because I was lazy. It apparently was far easier for me to sacrifice my life to women I didn't love (or rather, pretended to love) than to just say no, not interested in that, babe. I didn't have my priorities straight, it seemed.

But there was a payoff, as there always are in relationships. Shelter, sex, companionship and largely got to do what I wanted, which manifested with me alternating between being a nice husband and a royal jerk.

The upshot is that the consequences that arose from my self-dishonesty has made it very clear that none of this was justifiable, necessary or smart. Pure lunacy. And I caused a lot more problems for everyone instead of being a great help. Not cool and I am sorry it ever happened.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play the husband character with the full knowledge of dropping that role when it suited me, and not realizing the harm and damage such a secret agenda could do another.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to "play" the role of a character called the Husband and not taking it seriously enough and the consequence was that other people were hurt due to the nature of thoughts within my secret mind.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for not respecting my wives enough to tell them the truth of how I actually felt about getting married, and this gave then false hope and an incomplete reading of the situation of our relationship with them thinking everything is okay and with me thinking of ways to get out.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use women to protect me from loneliness and boredom which prevented me for a long time from facing myself and becoming self-honest.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not divulge any of the contents of my secret mind to others while this went on, because I feared that they may become upset -- not realizing that all I had to do was to show them where I was and speak it out loud and say everyone a lot of trouble
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be sacrificed within my marriages, and there I wasted a lot of valuable time and energy.
I forgive myself that I did NOT accept and allow myself to not say, "NO I don't want to get married"  when asked.

I commit myself in relieving the character of the husband for good and not activate him if ever I am asked to marry again.
I commit myself to take my relationships seriously, and if I ever get married again  I will not disrespect my partner by not telling her what is going on within me.
I commit myself that will not use the back door of my secret mind thoughts to deceive and delude my partner into a false reality where she thinks everything is fine while I'm planning to escape.
I commit myself to no longer offer myself up as a sacrificial relationship to another because a sacrifice only has value if that value is destroyed by the sacrifice - and whatever is destroyed by sacrifice can never be replaced.

Day 13: The Good Son

Mother always said that I never gave her any trouble. Typically I was always a good boy. Truth is I had to work at it, what with being the "man of the house" when I was only eight years old. Even then I knew that I was somehow being shafted out of a "normal" childhood by my parent's situation. So to keep things on an "even keel" I tried very hard to be dependable, reliable and ready for action because my mother had a hard time coping with being a young single parent with four kids.
If it sounds like I have some unresolved issues with my mother, I've gone through enough therapy and self-forgiveness to understand she probably did the best she knew how, and it's pointless to blame. I just need to forgive myself for a lot of self-sacrificing that wasn't to the betterment of my character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate the character of a "Good Son" in order to keep my family together by placating and manipulating my mother into a "good mood."
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deceive my mother by being a "Good Son" - because  wanting to do "good things" and "get noticed" for mother was self-dishonest - because I was more concerned about my own experience than hers.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the "Good Son" as a defense mechanism against the existential fears of my own uncertain surroundings.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to help create my offspring of "good sons" of my own that replicates the pattern throughout all our lives.

I commit myself to stop using this character in order to manipulate others.
I commit myself to forgive and retire this character and develop the standing within myself in accordance to the equality principle without the need to manipulate others to further my self-interest.

Day 12: The Good Guy Character

Looking into the character of the Good Guy, I realize that this is one I've accepted and invested a lot of time in. The Good Guy emerges from my Midwestern roots program. Midwesterners are laid back, plain talking and for the most part, like to pretend that we are very decent people. Good Guys and Gals are Good People: the ones to be counted on and who stood up against Evil. Manners. Politeness. Things that make people feel at ease and comfortable. When looking into this , I realize that this is one I've accepted and invested a lot of time on.  I always wanted to be the Good Guy, ever since my childhood when my mother needed a Good Guy to help her out. Obviously since the Good Guy is often frustrated and humiliated by trying events and bad relationships, behind the smile there is a lot of resentment and anger within that character that can leak out in many ways.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for creating the Good Guy as a defense mechanism against uncertainty when relating to people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a persona that protects my self-interest in the form of "helping out others."

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for believing that the Good Guys should always "win," without realizing that winning must create a loser in a competitive battle where the most important thing is to be a winner - thereby creating the justification of being "right." 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for believing that the Good Guy is always Good, and not looking at the misdeeds and deceptions that also make up my life's story.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become identified with "the Good" while secretly doubting the efficacy and effectiveness in the Good's competitive battle with Evil

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place more attention on the idea of "doing good" rather than being a more effective and self-honest person

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that Good People are "better" than Bad People.

I commit myself to reevaluate the character of the Good Guy and bring it into line within the principle of Oneness and Equality, and seeing where my character contributes to self-dishonesty by wrapping itself with the mantle of "goodness" and "fair play" without actually changing myself into a person that transcends this false dichotomy and works towards the benefit for all, equal and one.