Day 30. Complaining

I hate complainers and I hate complaining even more. Really, the only thing worse about hearing someone complain is hearing myself complain. It makes me feel small and spiteful. Not while I'm complaining, but later after I've calmed down. I usually feel a small twinge of embarrassment. Especially when someone is complaining about your's truly. Then I feel pissed off. Then I ask myself who takes complaining seriously?

So everybody - STOP COMPLAINING! When you do it makes me want to run through a hospital with a Bic Lighter.
But seriously, complaining is a reaction of frustration and blame. And getting over such blaming and complaining takes a tremendous effort (and self-forgiveness). So for all you complainers out there, a simple message for you all: it gets better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having lived my life as anger through complaining. Complaining seems like you're fixing a problem while you're actually only talking. Or thinking. It feels like venting in this way relieves "pressure," but it really only compresses and crystallizes whatever you're complaining about. It's like a flame that burns and never goes out since it is constantly fuelled by emotions, feelings and desires to get even somehow with what I'm complaining about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into complaining instead of breathing and looking at the thing I'm complaining about is really that big of a deal.

I commit myself to stop complaining and not take things that aren't to my liking in a personal way.
I commit myself to stop complaining because I believe I'm helping myself out, because I know that I am not helping myself out.  I'm just blaming and accusing which places me into a timeloop again and again. I stop. I realize finally that it doesn't do me any good.

Day 18: The Snob

"Eminence front - It's a put on."

According to some dictionaries, a snob is someone who believes that they are superior to others in taste and class, although the prime ingredient to be a snob is a self-importance that is offensively arrogant and annoying. And since I have experienced everyone in my life at one time or another to be arrogant and annoying, I feel that I am somewhat of an expert in bringing this character up for discussion.

Yes, I have been quite a snob in my life, usually  about things that I believe to be the most important of matters. Style, books, politics, art, music. Especially music. Don't get me started on music, because it would be my immense pleasure to inform you of the two types of music in this world: the music I like - which is genius, and the childish crap you like, and the only difference between us is that I have taste. This is what makes me a snob.

Oh yeah, and your politics? More boring than reading Ayn Rand. I despise Republicans, Democrats, Independents, Tea-Baggers, Libertarians (especially so), anarchists, Communists, Socialists, whatever... They all represent the status quo and they all do more harm than good. None of them act in the best interests of the people anyway, so don't pretend that your political affiliation is worth bragging about because it isn't.

Movies? The ones I like are the ones you should like. Don't bother showing me your favorite movies or television shows because they are most likely crap. By virtue of my wonderfully impeccable taste  in all things of art and culture, allow me to bestow upon you my favorites, as I already know you will extremely impressed with my erudite sense of style, fashion, taste and opinion. And if you aren't, it's only because you're a half-wit.

But what makes my snobby character so interesting is that it all my motivations for impressing others with my ideas, thoughts and opinions are based on a multitude of fears. Fears of inadequacies, failures, secrets, hidden shames. It took me a long time to realize this, but the tougher the talk the more insecure that person really is. Obvious so, isn't it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as "better than" others simply because they don't agree with my perspectives and opinions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that others are not as smart as me because their glaring imperfections of their thoughts has blinded them to the obvious errors of their judgments and tastes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are stupid, ignorant sheep who don't know their ass from a shovel and dumber than a sack of rocks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for being really stupid and brainwashed by the cultural taste makers and media pundits.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the cultural taste-makers and  pundits for being so good at their job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking to myself that people are hopelessly misled by forces beyond their reckoning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain thoughts that say that "this person is an idiot."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed over the fact that people won't "get it," that is, recognize what is happening around them, until it is waaay too late.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically drained after entertaining snobbish thoughts during my day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for reacting in anger when I see or read something that is so patently and metaphysically wrong - usually in relation to people or a group of people being abused in an atrocious way, with the exasperated astonished thought being broadcast as, "How in the world is that allowed to happen?"
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequences of holding the thoughts of snobbery, because nothing comes from snobbery except more separation - which is not a great thing.
I commit myself to end all manifestations of snobbery within my thoughts, words and deeds, and I understand it will be difficult, since I've been a practicing snob for many decades now. But I now understand that nothing useful comes out of producing more separation, which is exactly what snobbery does. Time to stop and get over it.

Day 10: The Substances of Separation

 "But as with Energy that has emerged as the substance of separation within me, because I did not stand with/as my equality and oneness – Money as the World-System has emerged as the manifestation of separation, because we as humanity could not regulate/take directive principles of our relationships with ourselves, each other and this physical existence in working/living together, and so money became the substitute that is controlling/regulating the functioning/existing of humanity as a whole together on this Earth." (Emphasis added) [1]

And here the formulation of the entirety of the Human Condition is succinctly stated, framed and made crystal clear. The alienation, dread, loneliness and the search for meaning and control in this world can all be reduced to a singular condition - separation. To deal with this sense of dreadful separation the fearful minds of human beings created Gods. Then shortly after that - money.


And it was all placed before us by the shamen, priests and philosophers, and later by the elites, scientists and investment bankers, all selling the same snake oil - and we all simply bought it and never questioned it. Hell, I knew something was terribly wrong with this world since my childhood, and I knew the "Spiritual Masters" were not telling us the entire story - but I never imagined how deep the controls really went! "How are going to make others buy into their enslavement?" Answer: print some dollars and tell them they have to buy the right to survive and see what happens - very few will even question it! Oh yes, there have been movements to make the financial racket "more fair" and less absolute, but look - movements like the Marxism, Communism and socialism were co-opted by Capitalism from Day One, and long ago became irrelevant in the matter concerning how human relations should be ideally formed. Social critics like Marx, Emma Goldman and Herbert Marcuse  and even Freud who held various straws of the problems of social oppression between human beings could not have guessed how far they would have to go in their research to get anywhere near the clarity and truthfulness of the quoted passage above. One could scarcely do better in finding a better laid - out schematic on how this world became so fucked up. Don't fall for the baloney from money - chasing New Agers and Celebrity Gurus and other paragons of wisdom, either. To them, the physical world is not real, anyway. The only things that really get them juiced is energy and money. Doesn't matter if most of the followers of New Age-ism don't have any money! They see that as their "Earth-School" opportunity to think and grow rich - content within their own bubble of consciousness while the rest of the world goes to hell. 


As a former Seeker of Truth about the Nature of Reality, I sought answers from what I believed were unorthodox sources. And while I was entertained with looking through these "channeled" material and "spiritual" hogwash, what I ultimately got out of it was an unsatisfying sense of "something missing." But I just couldn't put my finger on it. The entire spiritual construct seemed completely ineffective in stopping (or at the very least, curbing) the daily parade of atrocities and suffering that infect this world. All they offered were warm, fuzzy words and mental experiments where we were promised to have the power to "create our own reality" through the powers of consciousness. But if this was so, why did nothing ever change?


Because the problem is our relationship to consciousness, energy and (wait for it) money. And if one considers that this Holy Trinity of the substances of separation is where we must begin our work in deconstructing the problem of the enslavement of the human race, one must feel that we are finally standing on the firm ground of sanity and an actionable path in finding solutions to our problems. The solution is to first recognize that such substances of separation in fact exist. Too many people need to understand this. But, there are many seekers like myself who can put 1 + 1 together. And now that this truly revolutionary turn in human understanding has finally been made available for the first time, it is only a matter of time before more people attain the same realizations needed to finally place this world in a state of equality and oneness which is our True Substance and Being. Many thanks to Sunette Spies, Bernard Poolman and the rest of the Destonians who are making this material available.




I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself for failing to understand the connection between the energy of consciousness within and the energy of money that I allowed to control my actions and thoughts.
I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself for not recognizing that there exists a separation within the relationships of human beings and within that "gap" flows the blood of the system: money. And it is this blood of the system that I yearned to be baptized in, allowing me to become acceptable in the sight of the system and to myself. 
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek after answers in unverifiable sources that promised that "everything will be alright in the end" and that "love and light will one day vanquish evil forever," instead of immediately question why love and light has never accomplished one goddamn thing in existence except deluding people into false beliefs that promise energy, higher consciousness and an escape from consequence.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could find the truth and the truth could "set me free" 
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to come to the idea that everything in life was "all about money," and feeling incapable of changing anything about how it all worked, especially myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could desire to obtain money and pursuing "higher consciousness" became my "directive principle" in my life. 
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with money throughout my life, a pattern that was duplicated/copied and passed down from my family who always struggled with not having enough money.


I commit myself in expanding my realizations about the energetic of consciousness and money and utilize that understanding in showing myself and others the way towards equality and oneness, which is the only solution to the problems that threaten and diminish all.



[1] Heaven's Journey to Life, Day 3

Day 8: Betrayal!

"My friends ain't enough for one hand." [1]

This post has taken me over a week to post. I spent (err, wasted) lots of time ruminating over the subject - to make sure I get it just right. But it doesn't seem to be happening for me. But one week is enough and I'm just going to let it out so I can move past this wall of indecision here.

Everyone goes through this. That special event where one is "betrayed" by friends, or those whom once thought of as "friends." The evaporation of trust whether if it manifests in an instant or a long-drawn out growing suspicion has the same effect. One is left wondering how one missed all the signs that were obviously there. For my part I have always felt a moment of disorienting nausea when betrayed by someone. Obviously one can only be betrayed by those one previously trusted. Arthur Miller claimed that betrayal is the "only truth that sticks." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but the chance of being betrayed by people is one reason why I never got very close to many people. Another way of saying this is that I trust very few. And the more I've been betrayed, the fewer that list gets.

Here's one story about betrayal I don't mind sharing. A couple of close friends of mine promised to put me up at their house for a while until I could get back on my feet. I expected to be there for a month or two but it was only four days before I was told I had to leave and they threw me out on my ass in the middle of a snow-crusted Ohio winter. It was a bit strange to be on the receiving end of this kind of treatment, especially from people I had known for decades. But this is not to say I have been guiltless of betraying others. Far from it, although it would be a close bet on who I've betrayed more, myself or others (I've certainly betrayed myself more times). This would be a lot easier post to write if I concentrated on the numerous ways people have betrayed me. However, such a tack would not lead to self-responsibility but to blaming others and forgetting the pattern that was mine established within self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for establishing the pattern of betrayal within my self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that others could "betray" me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a fear of being "betrayed" by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for betraying myself over and over again, whether it was from an idea of self-preservation, survival or self-interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to betray Life by not living what is best for all at all times.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being so indecisive about how to post this blog on betrayal due to doubts and fear I held for not getting the blog "right."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing myself withing indecision of "how" this blog  "should be written." I see now that my indecision was resistance and hiding from what I faced in myself within the subject of betrayal. I didn't want to face or see who I was/am within "being betrayed," betraying myself and betraying others.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to posses the required integrity that allowed self-sabotage and betrayal of myself and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to betray myself as life when I by not following through everything that needs to be followed through. This extends to all parts of my life.

I commit myself to halt this pattern of self-sabotage.
I commit myself to stop betraying myself with irrelevant nonsense.
I commit myself to stop betraying others with irrelevant nonsense.
I commit myself to become worthy of birthing myself into the physical and not be satisfied and distracted by the mental illusions of my mind.

[1] The Fall. "Frenz."_"The Frenz Experiment"_ Beggars Banquet. 1988.