Day 8: Betrayal!

"My friends ain't enough for one hand." [1]

This post has taken me over a week to post. I spent (err, wasted) lots of time ruminating over the subject - to make sure I get it just right. But it doesn't seem to be happening for me. But one week is enough and I'm just going to let it out so I can move past this wall of indecision here.

Everyone goes through this. That special event where one is "betrayed" by friends, or those whom once thought of as "friends." The evaporation of trust whether if it manifests in an instant or a long-drawn out growing suspicion has the same effect. One is left wondering how one missed all the signs that were obviously there. For my part I have always felt a moment of disorienting nausea when betrayed by someone. Obviously one can only be betrayed by those one previously trusted. Arthur Miller claimed that betrayal is the "only truth that sticks." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but the chance of being betrayed by people is one reason why I never got very close to many people. Another way of saying this is that I trust very few. And the more I've been betrayed, the fewer that list gets.

Here's one story about betrayal I don't mind sharing. A couple of close friends of mine promised to put me up at their house for a while until I could get back on my feet. I expected to be there for a month or two but it was only four days before I was told I had to leave and they threw me out on my ass in the middle of a snow-crusted Ohio winter. It was a bit strange to be on the receiving end of this kind of treatment, especially from people I had known for decades. But this is not to say I have been guiltless of betraying others. Far from it, although it would be a close bet on who I've betrayed more, myself or others (I've certainly betrayed myself more times). This would be a lot easier post to write if I concentrated on the numerous ways people have betrayed me. However, such a tack would not lead to self-responsibility but to blaming others and forgetting the pattern that was mine established within self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for establishing the pattern of betrayal within my self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that others could "betray" me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a fear of being "betrayed" by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for betraying myself over and over again, whether it was from an idea of self-preservation, survival or self-interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to betray Life by not living what is best for all at all times.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being so indecisive about how to post this blog on betrayal due to doubts and fear I held for not getting the blog "right."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing myself withing indecision of "how" this blog  "should be written." I see now that my indecision was resistance and hiding from what I faced in myself within the subject of betrayal. I didn't want to face or see who I was/am within "being betrayed," betraying myself and betraying others.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to posses the required integrity that allowed self-sabotage and betrayal of myself and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to betray myself as life when I by not following through everything that needs to be followed through. This extends to all parts of my life.

I commit myself to halt this pattern of self-sabotage.
I commit myself to stop betraying myself with irrelevant nonsense.
I commit myself to stop betraying others with irrelevant nonsense.
I commit myself to become worthy of birthing myself into the physical and not be satisfied and distracted by the mental illusions of my mind.

[1] The Fall. "Frenz."_"The Frenz Experiment"_ Beggars Banquet. 1988.