Day 43. "You Can't Pay Rent with a Credit Card."

Whenever I speak to somebody about the Equal Money System, the Living Income Guarantee or constructing a far more sane world where everyone has their needs met, I usually receive from the person I'm speaking a pair of raised eyebrows, a smirk or a facial expression that suggests something the recall of an unpleasant or contemptible memory. Then invariably comes the typical response:

"Well, that sounds nice, but people are too selfish. You can't undo millennia of an accumulated human nature that has at its core the survival of the fittest!" 

While I concur that the current condition of human behavior prevents the possibility of granting a dignified life to everybody, we tend to forget (conveniently) that human behavior does not develop in a vacuum. It is taught and transmitted through agents of socialization (parents, education systems, peers, etc.) and is not some undeviating native default psychological state that people are born with. The real flaw with systems of thought like libertarianism or "freedom" or "liberty" is that people tend to believe the ideas they hold in their heads are real when ideas are merely illusions until they become manifested into reality through physical action. 

"No, no, no, no, no, mo, no. Let people be responsible for their own actions!"

An assertion of this nature can only be made by someone who is so satisfied with their current life situation, that they cannot consider any possibility of people having little no options in their life. It is the justification for the abuse, inequality and the enslavement to systems to continue. It is impossible, currently, for some starving child in a Darfur  refugee camp to become a Nobel Prize winning physicist. That child was born without any options to be responsible for - other than to instinctively cling onto life as long as possible. Do people really believe that everyone gets a fair shot at life? Of course they don't. So why are we pretending that equal shot exists for everyone? And why is it so hard for people who see all the inequality and inhumanity to come together and help provide a solution that is best for everyone? It's like we walk around with virtual fish bowls on our heads, and we view and judge the world through the prism of this bowl that is filled with a mental reality that has been transmitted to us and assured is as real as that the physical reality we exist in. We are not even aware of the massive disconnect between our reality and the thoughts, opinions and beliefs about that reality.

Maybe, just maybe this disconnect between reality and our thoughts about "freedom" (for instance) has been caused by the social programming of the citizenry into accepting without question the lies and distractions of the technological bread and circuses in exchange for authoritarian creep in our government systems and precipitous claw back of civil liberties. And although we have been programmed into living as isolationists within our homes, we also could stand having our sense of brotherhood reawakened as well. If we can conceive a Heaven on Earth, it is not impossible.

Day 34. Living in a Body

Lately I've been wondering what the relationship between "me" (which would be my conscious awareness) and my body. I'm not talking about the mind-body dichotomy in general, I'm talking about my own mind/body specifically. Hang on.

What's been bugging me lately is that I may (no, probably) have gone beyond the point of no return in this body - AKA "awareness of one's mortality." And it's not even fear of death, which would be understandable. It's just an awful realization that not only one's body is ageing, but parts are beginning to creak, rattle and not work as designed. It's planned obsolescence by the Creator.
Interesting the Good Lord created organisms with a ticking time bomb buried inside.  But I don't believe in the Good Lord, anyway. I'm here within an existential reality where nothing or nobody is in charge of this reality. That's why religions exist; to act as a buffer against existential uncertainty - for if God hadn't existed, humanity would have invented Him. Which is what happened.

Being God, of course, means that no deity may be burdened with self-responsibility. It boggles my mind that nobody gets this. Bodies are born, grown, linger and die. I am hopeful that what we see is only part of the cycle while the unseen chthonic part is equalizing or collaborating with some unknown factor as it cycles its way through Creation. I realize that speaking this way is just another way of talking about God and wishing for an "answer." I guess we're all programmed to do this. Amazing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for endlessly creating religions without realizing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself as my body because it seems to be breaking on me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking that's not too cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed realizations that I then  don't act on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting at times to give up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry because I believe my body is trying to kill me.
I commit myself to continue to stabilize my body, so I won't feel out of place or insignificant.

Day 32. Not Finishing What I Start

I have a problem of not being able to finish what I started, whether it be writing, researching or doing chores, I seem to always lose interest in what I am doing, procrastinate or just waling away from the issue. This may turn into another blog tomorrow about being "lazy," but for now, let's stay on this before I stop yet again.

So, not finishing... it's so easy, isn't it. Giving up or putting it off so I can relax in the center of my world. I've become spoiled in my old age. If I don't want to do something, I only have one person who may say something about it, so that's not going to stop me. Doing what I want - and that means being a tiny God in my tiny world - seems to be more important than getting things done that I believe I don't have time to do or want to do. This can only mean that I am not standing equal to my mind/ego's will. Which is unacceptable to me.Because if I allow this, then it means I am unable to change. And the beat goes on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and not fully focus on whatever it is I'm doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-directive principle to my mind which then decides what will happen in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is "okay" to quit on projects or chores before I'm done in order to do nothing and satisfy my mind's ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal with my mind, allowing the mind to win every time without challenge or direction. 

I commit myself to finally break through the wall of not finishing what I start though not allowing the mind to have its way with me. I commit myself to move through the resistances and delays and barriers my mind throws up at me in order to protect itself from fears.

Day 31.Mortality

I've been chronically sick for more years than I care to say. I've lived with it for so long that "sick" feels normal to me. I've seen doctors in the past about my ailment, but they always seemed to be withholding information from me. So when I was I forced to enter the hospital last week, I was really surprised how open the doctors were. They said some things that scared me and some things that were encouraging. But now that I'm home, I'm still sick and tired.

I suppose when most people hit their 50's their bodies begin to fall apart.I don't drink, smoke or do drugs and still I'm a wreck. I don't think I have had my midlife crisis yet, but I see the future for myself closing into a point where I will pass through and disappear forever. That point doesn't upset me (at least for now, it doesn't), but the fear of always being sick to the end is quite an distasteful destiny. I don't fear death all that much, but I do fear getting old in a body that's cracking up, slowly but surely degrading and being of less and less use - to myself and the world...

I suppose death in this perspective would be a mercy. I have much to be grateful for, but even if I "get better" physically, my body is still headed for the bone-yard. I've realize like never before, it's going to happen. So let it be known that it is my fervent wish that when I die. that all my friends come over to the funeral home, say a few kind words and gather around my body -- AND BRING ME BACK TO LIFE!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for failing to support my body effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not committing myself fully to take care of myself when I knew that there was something wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about death when it's obviously inevitable because it happens to everyone, anyway. So it's not like I'm going to suffer a fate that nobody else will experience. That's just common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bummed out by the fact that I'm slowly dying. However, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being concerned about other people slowly dying, so it's pointless to be bummed out about that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my morality.

I commit myself to continue facing and releasing that fear of mortality, because it could, if I allowed it, to put a damper on what I want to do with the rest of my life. I refuse to do that, in any case. And because it is one of the most pointless of fears - I commit myself to overcoming this idea of fear I have about mortality by applying common sense to the notion, and make sure that my actions from now on will not lead me into shame when that final moment arrives.

Day 27. The Rebel

"I'm like the wind. Nobody gets me, baby."

The rebel in me is the rebel you see.

I suppose everyone will rebel against something in their lives. I know I have. It's due to the absurd way that we live, stuck in some positing within a pecking order that is infinite and specific. One always has to be mindful of the authorities. And what makes authority such a potent fear-making machine, but the long arms of authority's reach - into your home, your bedroom, your finances, your job, your "spiritual nature," even?

When I check the history books, I see that the Rebel hasn't generally fared too well when all is said and done. Revolutions are the biggest bust, usually. Look at what's happened to Egypt's "Arab Spring" has wrought. The citizens managed to dislodge a dictator from office after 30-odd years, only to replace him with a dude who just announced he has just given himself dictatorial powers, by a decree - literally a page that someone typed up and gave to the press. This is what the Arab Spring has given Egypt. The latest entry in the book entitled, "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

Other types of rebellion follow the same pattern or become an irrelevancy. Case in point; the atheist campaign against religion. Won't do any good. We're going to have to wait for a few more generations to de-religionize this country and the world. Atheists cannot intervene - only people who are hypnotized and mind-controlled by religion can deprogram themselves. Besides, atheists won't hear this either, by they have only created a religion to combat religion. Great job.

I supposed I rebelled against some of the most important systems in this world. Marriage, family, financial... I saw myself as a being that held free will and had to fight against authority to retain it. I didn't realize that my free will wasn't operational. All my actions and "decisions" had their starting point in a reaction to fear. Fear, it turns out, is the engine that drives each and every one of us every step of every day of our lives. I guess I'm rebelling against free will now. I'm laying this down so you can pick up on it. Rebelling for the sake of rebelling isn't going to give you much of a return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the power of rebellion, not realizing that all I was doing was falling into a trap of predictable failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my rebellions would make me happier and a more free person. I know that after all that rebellion that I no better off than before.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not checking my starting point for rebelling against what I perceived as authority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that rebellion against others made me more "intelligent" than everyone else, because it proved that everyone else were sheep too stupid to realize that they were being used.

I commit myself to dismiss the importance and legitimacy of the concept of "rebellion." It is Fool's Gold." If one's starting point doesn't take everyone into consideration and for the best for all, then any rebellion will be worthless, because the result will not be what is best for all. And what happens then is one gets more of the same, if not worse.

Day 25 The Cultural Snob

The Cultural Snob as one of my personalities isn't what you may at first glance think of. I'm not of those in the upper classes who look down upon the lower classes. I'm snobbish (tending to look down upon) on people who blindly crow about how wonderful America is.

It's not that I feel American Culture is worthy of praise (it really isn't. American Exceptionalism be damned), or that its values and contributions have made the world a better place (absolutely not), or that its customs and mores are worth duplicating the world over. My kind of cultural snobbishness is my own accumulation of my likes and dislikes which I believe that if everyone shared it, our world would be a much better place.

And to this goes my political snobbishness, which is stridently finding fault with the current power structure. For example, democrats and republicans are useless placeholders of our political system. There is really not that much difference between a conservative and a liberal; they both want to keep the status quo (and the perilous state of the "middle class" at) on indefinite hold.  All the middle class does is act as the buffer between the very poor and the very wealthy. That's always been the role of the "middle class" from Day 1 of this republic.

Economical bearishness causes me to hold my nose when I hear people defend capitalism and its social contract when it is obvious that countries that adopt some kind of socialism enjoy a higher quality of life than good ole America! They bemoan socialism while cheering for social security, corporate welfare, medicare -- but giving American Citizens free health care (like they do in more civilized countries) is one step closer to Armageddon. Idiots.

Cultural snobbishness: what I like in the Arts is the best the Arts have to offer. My favorite painter also happens to be the best painter the world has ever known, in my opinion. snobbishness always comes from opinions, don't they? Plainly put, snobbishness, in its tendency to look down on others and judge them for being slow on the uptake, isn't good for me in my process.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look down on people who don't live up to my expectations.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look down on my fellow Americans because they are ignorant and clueless on how they are being used by the same hand that's enslaving us.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to allow this to frustrate me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a snob that has no tolerance of contrary views against what I have considered.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm right and they're wrong.

I commit myself to let go of the snobbery and judgments towards those who disagree with my opinions.
I commit myself to realize thatbeing a snob of any kind is simply not necessary.

Day 24: The Comedian

What is a comedian? Someone who tells jokes or stories in a humorous way. Someone witty and clever. I became a comedian because it kept me sane while growing up in a world that became more ludicrous and absurd the older I got. Absurd = absolute nonsense. The absurdity of life has so impressed human beings that a philosophy, existentialism, was created just to try and make sense out of it. At times my life was full of events so bizarre and preposterous that when tragedy struck again and again, all I could do was laugh about it.

I understood how jokes and comedy worked. Comedy is always based on lies or deceptions that blow back on the instigator in some way. Look at any situation comedy in the history of television and you'll see that what I am saying is valid.

Some of my favorite novels excel at extolling this trait of comedy/ Such as Catch-22. Television shows like Peep Show and Extras. To keep myself from getting beat up so much as a kid, I relied on self-deprecating humor. It worked. But I never really understood why I had to imagine life was an exercise in absurdity. Because everything we do is directed to deceive and divert attention from ourselves. And sometimes, or often, hilarity ensues.

Life is not a joke, however. I believe we can all agree on that. Life can be unimaginably cruel and painful, and there are no laughs to be had for the billions of people who are not able to enjoy themselves with a chuckle.

One time I was staying with a friend who got upset about something... I don't remember, nut may have been something I did. Anyway, I made a joke about it and she said, "Don't do that. You can't interrupt someone's pain with a joke." At first I thought she was being a little too precious, but now, I think she may have had a point. However, having a sense of humor can't be the worst thing in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perform as a comedian without understanding why I do so,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on using self-deprecating humor in menacing situations instead of just standing up for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the mask of the comedian, as I did so to keep people at arms' length, and so I was engaging in deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for using humor sometimes to be the center of attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unaware of my actions when engaging within the personality role of the Comedian.

I commit myself to not employ comedy

Day 23: The Atheist

During my career as a long-standing atheist, amazingly it has just occurred to me that I have probably never changed the mind of one single religionist. Certainly nobody in my family, who no longer speak to me, but that's okay. I'm not missing the acrimony and the obligatory sea of bitter recrimination, thank you.

Atheists, listen to me. You are never going to change the mind of a religionist no matter what you say or how many times you call them "stupid."  It's pointless. And if you go to the atheist reddit dungeon, Christ Almighty, it's simply ridiculous the way the atheists bitch and moan about how stupid Christians, Muslims and Jews are. I get it - the meme  posters can be funny (on both sides) - but it's never going to get the religion out of the person. You might as well pray to an invisible man in the sky, as it will give you the same results. I guys the wise - guys at r/atheism  believe they're doing something without actually... um, doing something.

Well, I used to be the same way, full disclosure. My eyes would light up like a lighthouse beacon on a clear night. Still do. One of my favorite pastimes was to find out that someone was a Christian and attempt to engage them into a border war discussion (always friendly). I thought I was doing them a favor, but it never really produced a "thank you," in any case.

The other arena I found myself relishing the religious debate was of course, on the Internet. I really enjoyed taking the piss out of nitwits who attacked members of Desteni and felt justified in bashing then (always friendly) to pieces on You Tube or wherever. After a while, I got tired of it. If Christians or have been hypnotized by their holy books, so be it. They're hypnotized. I just have to find minds that are a wee bit more open. These folks usually make better conversation anyway.

The best way for atheists to deal with religious people is to leave them alone. Most atheists behave like religionists, anyway - and the funny thing is that they don't see the evangelical nature of meme - ing the Internet to death.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for thinking that Christians were stupid and too dull to realize that they've been duped, as I didn't understand that these people had been assaulted by the mind control devices that are the "holy books" of religion. I realize there's not much that can be done in these people and I commit myself in not doing that anymore.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy engaging in war - like arguments about religion, pitting what I thought was my superior intellect and point of view towards defeating the religious imbeciles. I realize this is counter - productive, and a waste of time, for I will only be seen as a "test" that was sent from God, anyway. So I commit myself to not doing that anymore.

Day 22: What haven't I seen Part 2

Part 2 from yesterday:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not paying attention to details.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse my inattention to detail by saying, "But I'm not a detail guy!"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not paying attention which caused me to miss my job interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for becoming depressed about missing my interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for blaming myself for missing my interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for "tuning out" when people talk to me. This began when I was a child, tuning out to whatever my mother was saying after I thought I understood what was going on, and I've carried this throughout my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when my past employers want to tell me something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when my past relationship partners wanted to tell me something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tune out when Denise would start talking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for tuning out because people bore me with their talking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when I'm reading something because it's boring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when I am reading because my mind assumes I know what someone is trying to say.
I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself become distracted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not listening.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for realizing tuning out isn't acceptable, but I do it anyway
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tuning out because I can't be HERE when I do that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated when someone is talking and I don't want to listen to them anymore.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to be left alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to tell people when they get boring to "shut up."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not paying attention when people are talking to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm smarter than most people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not taking responsibility for my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for forgetting to breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for judging myself when I don't breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling helpless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  for fearing of feeling helpless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've forgotten how to cry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not standing up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel without worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling useless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for feeling like nothing is going to work my way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people with jobs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who have a play to stay.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who have nice cars.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who can buy anything they want, at anytime.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who seem to live carefree lives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people with lots of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who don't have to work at crummy jobs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself for being jealous at the people who can go to the store and buy as much food as they want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being more effective in standing up to the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for beating myself up because of not paying attention.

I commit myself with stopping the urge to drift off in my mind's arcade gallery. especially when someone is trying to communicate with me.
I commit myself to become less irritated when I have to listen to someone communicating with me when I am "busy" or rather be doing something else than talking to this person. That irritation is a learned pattern that I developed within my family and it doesn't serve me anymore, so I am committed in dropping that response and breathe and relax.
I commit myself to stop feelings of jealousy towards others who I perceive having "more" than I. That kind of response doesn't serve me and so I am committed to drop that response as well