Day 43. "You Can't Pay Rent with a Credit Card."

Whenever I speak to somebody about the Equal Money System, the Living Income Guarantee or constructing a far more sane world where everyone has their needs met, I usually receive from the person I'm speaking a pair of raised eyebrows, a smirk or a facial expression that suggests something the recall of an unpleasant or contemptible memory. Then invariably comes the typical response:

"Well, that sounds nice, but people are too selfish. You can't undo millennia of an accumulated human nature that has at its core the survival of the fittest!" 

While I concur that the current condition of human behavior prevents the possibility of granting a dignified life to everybody, we tend to forget (conveniently) that human behavior does not develop in a vacuum. It is taught and transmitted through agents of socialization (parents, education systems, peers, etc.) and is not some undeviating native default psychological state that people are born with. The real flaw with systems of thought like libertarianism or "freedom" or "liberty" is that people tend to believe the ideas they hold in their heads are real when ideas are merely illusions until they become manifested into reality through physical action. 

"No, no, no, no, no, mo, no. Let people be responsible for their own actions!"

An assertion of this nature can only be made by someone who is so satisfied with their current life situation, that they cannot consider any possibility of people having little no options in their life. It is the justification for the abuse, inequality and the enslavement to systems to continue. It is impossible, currently, for some starving child in a Darfur  refugee camp to become a Nobel Prize winning physicist. That child was born without any options to be responsible for - other than to instinctively cling onto life as long as possible. Do people really believe that everyone gets a fair shot at life? Of course they don't. So why are we pretending that equal shot exists for everyone? And why is it so hard for people who see all the inequality and inhumanity to come together and help provide a solution that is best for everyone? It's like we walk around with virtual fish bowls on our heads, and we view and judge the world through the prism of this bowl that is filled with a mental reality that has been transmitted to us and assured is as real as that the physical reality we exist in. We are not even aware of the massive disconnect between our reality and the thoughts, opinions and beliefs about that reality.

Maybe, just maybe this disconnect between reality and our thoughts about "freedom" (for instance) has been caused by the social programming of the citizenry into accepting without question the lies and distractions of the technological bread and circuses in exchange for authoritarian creep in our government systems and precipitous claw back of civil liberties. And although we have been programmed into living as isolationists within our homes, we also could stand having our sense of brotherhood reawakened as well. If we can conceive a Heaven on Earth, it is not impossible.

Day 42: Selling Scared

How can it be that one day I was completely stoked into getting to the store and selling shit at Big Boxco and experience a great, satisfying day and the next day I worry and fret about performing the exact same actions and proceed to lay one flat, uninspired gigantic egg? Well, it happened and let me share how that came to be and how I was able to understand what happened in my process in order to self-correct myself when I see myself repeating the steps that led me down that road.

Generally, I’d been feeling really good about my performance so far throughout this cycle. I feel I’ve been consistent and able to bring everything I’ve learned previously in sales and apply the new systems I am integrating into the mix. I’m having fun even though it is hard work. I look forward getting to the office to learn new things every day. I can’t think of a “job” that I’ve ever felt that way about.

This past Monday I was so sure I was going to get those numbers I was looking for and I had a ton of energy going in and I connected well with everyone I spoke to. It feels like I’m in a flow and everything clicks.

But afterwards, I felt a little worried about the next day, Christmas Eve. I had three flavors of the four pizzas left to offer, and I only had a few packs left of the one that people seemed to like. I allowed doubts and questions to creep into my mind how I was going to be able to get through the day selling two of the less desirable flavors.

I resolved to go out on the next day and make it great for myself and the club members, anyway.

The morning started promising. I dropped a bundle as I was setting up my table. I felt silly for allowing pointless worries to dampen my attitude. There was only one other vendor working a sample station and I thought I had it made!

But for reasons that weren’t readily apparent to me, people seemed slow to pick up anything from the table. The little dude in the back of my head began to track the clock and calculate how many units I’d have to catch up with in order to reach my goal. The deeper I got into the day, the more I felt that I was fighting a losing battle against time. I stubbornly relied on my training and on the systems I’d been taught, with no appreciable difference. I was caught in the horns of a dilemma - and I know myself well enough to understand that some time would have to pass after I walked through this point to apply effective self-analysis and learn from it.

And it came to me after I left a message for my team leader. The last thing I said was I didn’t have that connection with the people I normally had and in a second after I spoke it, I realized why. I was flat and had a crappy experience because I was... wait for it... afraid to sell what I had. And even though I told myself that I was going to have a super-duper day and would be swinging for the fences, that fear only became submerged and repressed. Those thoughts, fears and doubts directly influenced my energy level and my connection with the people.

This is an experience I’m sure everyone can relate to, and I am sure fears will pop up again. I understood it before, but now I have a clearer understanding of why protecting your attitude is so important. In a job where so much depends on one’s mental health in order to be a success, allowing doubts and fears to invade your mind is the quickest way to have a miserable day in sales. And what makes it even more crucial to understand is that those doubts and fears were all in my head! They weren’t even real! They were just ideas I had about some imagined scenario in imagined future outcomes that took me off-course and out of the present moment, which left me unable to be effective in that moment --- because I was believing the story I was imagining in my mind instead of being totally present in my reality and having fun with it as I usually do.

So, in order to release those suppressed fears and doubts for good, I forgave myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience fears and doubts to become my experience that prevented me from connecting with people and reaching the goals I set for myself. I let myself off the hook. And I’m glad I went through it because I now better understand the points within myself I need to focus and strengthen. And that’s cool.

Day 41. Energy or Stability?

I was sitting in a group of people who were discussing the Law of Attraction, energy and positive thinking. There were a lot of perspectives being bandied about and while such talk usually ends up boring me, thankfully the conversation turned a corner and someone related the very brief story of the bamboo tree. To grow a bamboo tree, one has to water for what looks like a whisper of a sprout for years and years. One needs to attend to this sprout consistently, attending to water it every day for years. I don't know if this last bit is true, but after 7 years the bamboo suddenly shoots up to a hundred feet tall, or whatever. I don't know anything about bamboo. They do seem to grow very high, though.

I liked this story so much better, however. Firstly, it was instructive in how one doesn't need energy to achieve an outcome. Patient, consistent action and a will that doesn't give up. A recognition that you can't sidestep or shortcut the programming of a bamboo plant also requires no energy. Is it possible that energy isn't as vital as an ingredient to manifesting what you want as it is believed by some?

As I rolled that over in my mind it occurred to me that all my failures in my life came about due to my reactive mental state, emotional instability or just plain giving up. In relationships I must admit in falling on all three points simultaneously. Often. They aren't joking: hindsight is indeed 20/20. If I had only realized how much I was about to lose by falling into emotional, reactive states which I thought, bizarrely, would somehow get me out of trouble. Looking back, it's hilariously funny now that getting out of trouble was never in the cards for me. Giving into emotions, desires, energy and giving up always seemed to leave me worse for wear. It was unfortunate that I couldn't tell the difference or read the moment when it was really time to give up and when it was time to let go. If I instead remained stable throughout the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, I could have benefited from better decision-making. I could have saved myself and the people around me from having to deal with loads of unnecessary shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be captivated and carried away through energetics of feelings and emotions - I didn't understand the nature of energetics nor considered that they may not be beneficial to me or others in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to destroy myself and others through misuse of energy and unclear thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider patient stability in dealing with my problems and within my relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly look for shortcuts to reach my goals. This was done out of an inability to slow down and patiently apply myself effectively to the task at hand.

I commit myself to exist with consistent, patient action that brings about the result I'm looking for rather than focusing energy of achieving completion of a goal.

DAY 39 THE SHIT Gurus Say Part 2

And still there's more.

I had another realization upon waking up this morning. The dynamic of the seeking and the search for the "ultimate truth" about life is as old as there have been human being with enough consciousness to wonder what this life is all about. The gurus, more or less, have always said it's to follow their methods or the Gods or a specific religion or "path," or whatever, but recently (well, within the past 150 years or so) a new raison d'être has been offered: to be happy, healthy and goddammit - to feel good! I hear it feels good doing cocaine and heroin and crystal meth - but do it enough and it will kill you.

Is this the crap that passes for "wisdom" these days?  Even a sociopath will feel good about taking advantage of another and feel nothing for any suffering his actions will cause another. People who are religious will "feel good" about their religion and not pay attention or care about their fellow human beings, and will feel good about dropping bombs on them or starve them in order to destroy or convert rival religionists.

Obviously, the "feeling good" bit is a purely sinister piece of garbage that this Light-peddlers push to others to consume. How unfortunate for them that they have no idea that the light they worship and love is something they have no understanding of -  or even the awareness of its vampiric, reptilian nature. How better to control and consume a being's life-force than make it feel good and warm and fuzzy to that being? They will not only love (or notice) that their life-essence is being drained away, they will throw their money at anyone who shows them how to become a willing, unsuspecting victim!

I read this bit this morning, from Creation's Journey to Life:

Consciousness is simply the attempt of the system to understand itself. It‘s the attempt of the Organic Robot as the human trying to understand its point and its purpose within a system. A system within a system attempting to “evolve” into something. It knows there is something. It knows there must be something more, but it can't find it. Because, it's never really looked. 

It’s because the point that you know that is “more” is the point that you don't want to look at. It is the point that takes away all your specialness, it takes away all your fear. It takes away all what you regard you to be, so that what remains; is that which is Equal in Everyone. [1]

You know, this also came up after last night's blog. There was something fascinating to me about the gnostic drama of the Demiurge. The Demiurge in ancient pre-Christian religions was a prideful, inferior being that creates the material world and was frequently identified with the creator God of the Hebrew Bible by pagan sects. His world was flawed because the Creator was flawed, and this explained why the world was so fucked up. This made sense to me, much more than a "good God" creating a flawed and fallen world, as my Christian friends would say. However, there was a point that nobody looks at, and I was among that number.

The Gnostics claimed that there was a "higher" Good God that was "alien" and totally unconnected with this world and that this God somehow - and there are various systems and diagrams and differences of opinion on how this was accomplished - was able to place a secret particle of itself within human beings that it called back to the "Source" of this Good-Alien-God, just as long as you knew the right combination of words or symbols or teacher to follow. This is what we call a back-door. This is what we call self-limitation.

Stay with me. It's a back-door because even this seemingly ingenious model of salvation offers a familiar illusory escape from one's responsibility of having to deal with the world by saying it is "someone else's fault," when all you have is the mind's fiendishly clever acrobatics to escape the hook.

It is self-limitation because nobody ever considers the awful possibility that there is no benevolent Big Daddy watching out for all us poor souls slaughtering and being murdered by each other. It never occurred to me that it was possible that the Light could be the best masquerade for evil ever devised. It never occurred to me to contemplate the ramifications that our universe could be governed by a malevolent force that meant to use us as food. Well, until the first Matrix movie came out. Then I could see it wasn't beyond belief. And when I discovered the Desteni Material, I was able to put 1 + 1 together.

What have we done: 

In the forms and the systems and our expressions we have taken on – we have disregarded Life, and we have made the system, the personality, the ‘spirit-idea’ of everything more than what Life is. 

We have in fact become ‘larger than Life’, and in that has been our demise. 

We have lost our humbleness. We have lost our consideration of each other. We have lost ‘love’ in fact. 

And we’ve made of ‘love’ a definition, an idea, something that we’re attempting to express – but we do not within it consider that it exist in fact within each one as Life. And that Life in consideration of itself within all equally: Is what Love really is. It is within that – which we are One.

[1]http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/day-485-end-of-self-awareness-part-3.html#sthash.U4fv7sXf.dpuf

Day 38 The SHIT Gurus Say

I came across this post on facebook by some lightworker guru that goes by the name of Riz Mirza and something called the "Circle of Light." Mirza posts a lot of this positive-feeling, light n' love pap on a daily basis, and I usually just skip over his posts without commenting. But the other day I stopped long enough to take in what Mirza was laying down, to my regret. Here it is:

The words will only take you so far if you do not change the feeling inside of you that you are not “complete.” That what you are seeking is what shall set you free instead of what you ARE setting you free. Setting free the inner truth of your Being. You see, life then becomes a search to find the ultimate truth in everything. An exclusive search for an exclusive truth. Who knows it? Which guru? Which book? Which modality? What place on Earth is the most spiritual? It is people who make any place spiritual. Any place becomes spiritual when it is you who surrender to Love."Emmanuel channeled by Riz Mirza at The Circle of Light Red Eagle Ranch, Malibu— with Oriah Mirza.

Darryl Thomas Does the present moment sounds like it holds empty, New Age gibberish?

Riz Mirza Sounds like you already made up your mind about it Darryl. Why even phrase it as a question? The NOW is the present moment in my belief, and I choose to believe in its limitlessness. All beliefs are a choice and I love my choices. They work for me very well!

Darryl Thomas Life is not a "search for ultimate truth." This shows me you do not have much understanding of reality. Life isn't about a "search for truth," because the truth only exist as who you are in any given moment. The key is to understand that seeking knowledge and information are the surest way of becoming ensnared by the chains of enslavement of consciousness. Choose to believe as you wish - if you dare to understand the "truth" of belief is simple - you believe something is true because you say it's true. But it doesn't actually make it true, Riz Mirza.

Riz Mirza It sure does make it true for me and thats all that matters Darryl. Whatever I Believe is true! And I am so happy! Hope you are too!

Darryl Thomas Yeah, you go on, then. Because being happy is the most important thing one can achieve, especially in a world torn apart by self-interest, war, starvation, poverty and violence. Being a guru must be a great gig. I mean, as long as YOU ARE HAPPY - what else matters?

Riz Mirza Nothing else matters except happiness and I do it by loving people. And I go on and on till the break of dawn. It's an awesome gig.



And there you have it. According to Riz Mirza, "nothing else matters except happiness." I reckon he means "nothing else matters than his own personal happiness." All the people destroyed and torn apart from the suffering in life? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. Wars, poverty and economic abuse that reduces good people into cheap-clothes producing slaves? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. Children dying of starvation and a poisoned environment? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. Governments claiming they can't feed the poor but seem to have plenty of money to pay for wars and the destruction of human lives that entails? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. 

And, get this, Riz Mira will "go on and on till the break of dawn." There it is - your Light N Love Burger serving of the day, the worst kind of solipsistic navel-worshipping bullshit masquerading as some kind of philosophical "wisdom." And that this bullshit is "channelled" by something called "Emmanuel" makes it even worse! Really? "Emmanuel?" How original. 

Apparently this "Emmanuel," which actually only a pathetic portion of Riz Mirza's mind that has broken off as a separate personality and talks to other people (a condition that psychiatrists would "multiple personality disorder"), has nothing really enlightening or compelling (or original) to say. What he is saying is the opposite of profundity. "The present moment has everything you need to manifest all that you desire." Is that so? Is manifesting all that I desire the fucking point in anyone's life? Is that the "ultimate truth" in life? Is that the reason why were are here on this wonderful green planet - you know, the only place we have to live... the only place in the universe we can call home, the same home we are all busily turning into a fantastically fetid, ghastly pile of shit? Are you sad and unhappy with yourself? Emmanuel and Riz Mirza says, "Don't worry, be happy!" 

Which is the biggest reason why people have always fallen for the lines that these slick, snake-oil salesmen dressed in fancy white suits lay down. People only care about themselves. And those people are the New Age's BIGGEST CUSTOMERS! I used to go all in within the New Age movement back in the 1980s, but I could never get used to that attitude of the overarching self-importance and pursuit of personal happiness at the expense of everything else that was going wrong in the world. It never made sense to me then, but I learned a long time ago that these light-blinded fools, as exemplified by the vacuous, dishonest and stealthily sinister hogwash put forward by hucksters like Riz Mirza, only care about their own ascended asses. Nobody else matters to them except those that help feed and nurture their despicable arrogance.

If this seems a bit harsh, it's because you do not know how awful these people are. What makes them awful is that they are helping perpetuate the systems of economic enslavement, mental tyranny and a love n light authoritarianism that serves only one purpose - to make these gurus famous and rich without serving any higher purpose. And above all, THEY ARE LYING THEIR ASSES OFF. It's unreal. 

Thanks for reading. I had to get that off of my chest.

The (Former) Seeker

Day 31.Mortality

I've been chronically sick for more years than I care to say. I've lived with it for so long that "sick" feels normal to me. I've seen doctors in the past about my ailment, but they always seemed to be withholding information from me. So when I was I forced to enter the hospital last week, I was really surprised how open the doctors were. They said some things that scared me and some things that were encouraging. But now that I'm home, I'm still sick and tired.

I suppose when most people hit their 50's their bodies begin to fall apart.I don't drink, smoke or do drugs and still I'm a wreck. I don't think I have had my midlife crisis yet, but I see the future for myself closing into a point where I will pass through and disappear forever. That point doesn't upset me (at least for now, it doesn't), but the fear of always being sick to the end is quite an distasteful destiny. I don't fear death all that much, but I do fear getting old in a body that's cracking up, slowly but surely degrading and being of less and less use - to myself and the world...

I suppose death in this perspective would be a mercy. I have much to be grateful for, but even if I "get better" physically, my body is still headed for the bone-yard. I've realize like never before, it's going to happen. So let it be known that it is my fervent wish that when I die. that all my friends come over to the funeral home, say a few kind words and gather around my body -- AND BRING ME BACK TO LIFE!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for failing to support my body effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not committing myself fully to take care of myself when I knew that there was something wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about death when it's obviously inevitable because it happens to everyone, anyway. So it's not like I'm going to suffer a fate that nobody else will experience. That's just common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bummed out by the fact that I'm slowly dying. However, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being concerned about other people slowly dying, so it's pointless to be bummed out about that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my morality.

I commit myself to continue facing and releasing that fear of mortality, because it could, if I allowed it, to put a damper on what I want to do with the rest of my life. I refuse to do that, in any case. And because it is one of the most pointless of fears - I commit myself to overcoming this idea of fear I have about mortality by applying common sense to the notion, and make sure that my actions from now on will not lead me into shame when that final moment arrives.

Day 21 What I haven't Seen Part 1

How that I have not been HERE.
I haven't been HERE. I've only been in my mind. Not being HERE is causing a lot of problems. It causes me to miss information, to miss what's being said, causing misunderstandings, irritation and fear, because I don't know what I am doing or saying - just reaction. Not being HERE also causes judgments, avoidance and a lack of self-responibility.

Why is it so hard to BE HERE? It's because I spend so much time in my mind. I know that I shouldn't, but it's like an addiction, where I want to quit, but I can't. Or rather, don't know how to. I know the breath is important, but staying with it feels impossible, because I go into fear because I can't maintain it.

Why is this coming up? Because I need to make money bad so I can pay my bills and someday get back to the farm. And I've been struggling to find a job, and I had a pretty decent shot at one until I "blew it." I didn't pay attention to the map I had made and got lost, missing the interview. The question arose as I drove back home. " Why am I sabotaging myself?"

I apparently missed a few points about working, rendering the earlier self-forgivenes ineffective. It's all related, my "issues." I stop "not listening,"  and take full responsibility for my actions.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be present in every single moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe being HERE is not all important.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself in not being HERE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself in NOT being Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge instead of listening.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying self-forgiveness to this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not  be fully Be Here, because I don't know how.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a dishonest being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form judgments instead of listening.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not getting a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to no fear losing my jog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be frustrated with not finding a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that I will never find a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in avoiding being present HERE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not paying attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for FEARING to pay attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for avoiding myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend too much time in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I don't know how top stop being addicted to thinking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because "thinking is easier than breathing."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging myself because I can't breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being aware of what I am doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being aware of pretending to know what is going on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for avoiding what is HERE by living in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing by breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging breathing as "so hard to do."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as "not good enough" because I can't be with my breath every moment.

Part 2 next

concerned).

Day 20: The Nightmare of the Survivor

I was standing at the counter of my job when someone came up to me and asked how I was doing.

"Surviving," I said. He responded, "Yeah. I know what you mean."

We both knew. everybody knows that surviving through all the thousand natural shocks the flesh is destined to suffer though is the name of the game. Shocks that are ever felt until our last breath. After all, we are all survivors... and live long enough to know we survive... for a brief time.

The unpleasant truth about the human being is two-fold. we all know that we must live an enormous amount of time suffering with the knowledge of a fate that no one can escape, a growth through a slow protracted decline (which paradoxically seems to occur very fast), which ends in death. Life to most of us is survival in suffering unto a great, final erasing from existence. Yet we erected many tough-sounding platitudes to fortify our resolve to that would allow us even get out of bed in the morning such as, "Only the strong survive!" What they really mean is only the strong survive for a while. No mention that the weak suffer too long and hang onto life in what must seem like an unreasonable proposition.

The point that I'm attempting to make in this disjointed, rambling rant is that I'm sick of "surviving." I know you are too. Whether if it is slogging through a shitty job, or a shitty relationship or a shitty life, I know we are all sick and tired of living to survive.There just doesn't seem to be anything we can do about it. It seems that living to survive according to how much money you have and surviving to live according to how much money you have is the best idea we can come up with. It isn't. This is. An Equal Money economy. But I understand it's years away. Looks like we'll have to survive a little while longer before this gets done.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that "surviving" is a noble characteristic of the human being. I didn't realize that there is nothing "noble" suffering through a life of hardship for all of us who have nothing or are blocked from having enough to live with dignity and honor. We are all trapped within the jaws of a nightmare for survival, a nightmare that is unfortunately all to real and that nobody cam awake from until we all establish what is best for all, which is equality for all. Yet until that happens, this nightmare will continue devour and torment all until nothing left will remain.

I am grateful that I know have a chance in this life to awaken from this nightmare, grateful that I have something to work towards overturning rather than helplessly standing by and accepting and allowing this horrible dream to continue.

Day19: Apolitical

My political views have shifted during my time here on Planet Earth. I was born into a patently Democratic family for the most part. When I have voted, it's been either for Independents or Democrats. The last Presidential election I participated in was waaaay back in 1984 when I voted for whoever was running against Ronald Reagan (some stiff called Walter Mondale who lost nearly every state in the election).

But I noticed something in the years that followed. It seemed that the Democrats weren't all that different from the Republicans in the way they went about their business, that business being mostly looking out for their own asses first. I started looking at other political  perspectives to find one that was aligned to my way of thinking.

Well, that was a bit daunting, as the American political flavors only come in two kinds of Vanilla. I began studying libertarianism, which at first seemed like the answer to my prayers. But as I began communicating with them through various message boards I realized that a lot of them were assholes, mainly Republicans who wanted to legally get high, not pay taxes and purchase their own highways.

I moved further to the left - which wasn't all that surprising since I would never move to the right - and found some voices that spoke to me. Emma Goldman. P.J. Proudhon. Karl Marx. Voltairine de Cleyre,  and Noam Chomsky. I had been frozen solid by the voices of anarchism. I spent a year or so delving into anarchist thought until I read Bob Black and the post-anarchists. By now I am pissed - because I realized that anarchism was just as big of a dead end as the democratic and republican capitalist parties. While the anarchists made some very cogent points, such as the incompatibility of capitalism and liberty because of the crypto-authoritarianism of the market, their political dreams were as unworkable as the systems they rightfully criticized. I found myself in a conceptual pickle. There was really no visionary, effective or workable  political framework that could address or solve the problems that we currently face. That is, until the Equal Money point emerged.

But there's something I have to get off my chest. I was political snob. I disliked people who identified themselves as Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Tea-baggers, Libertarian, whatever. In the past I would have said that they were all more dumber than a bag of rocks, which of course, wouldn't be fair to rocks. In the past, while I carried very profound political opinions, I stopped voting. I stopped because I felt that the political game was rigged. You have to be a millionaire to even run for office. You certainly have to be well-connected and agreeable to all kinds of shady, corrupting deals along the way. I just didn't want to be a part of it. I was even leery of Mr. Hope Obama when he ran for president. However, I have recently realized that it is essential to become more politically involved - now more than ever. Why? Because it's the only way to change this fucked-up system - from within. It's admittedly a long shot, but it's got to be better than being apathetic and doing nothing.

In this year's Presidential election where Obama and Romney are set to duke it out, I feel that apathetic feeling again. But maybe I'll write in Ralph Nader...


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that engaging the political process was an exercise in futility, as it seemed to me that nothing ever changed for the better. If you don't play the game yo can't affect the outcome.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to succumb to feelings of hopelessness which led me to become politically apathetic and irrelevant.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resist to participating in the political process because I didn't trust any party enough to even want to participate.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become disillusioned with politics because of my perception that the process does more harm than good.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resist all political perspectives as "stupid," "venal" and "corrupt."
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that all politicians are primarily concerned about their own self-interest rather than achieving solutions for their constituents.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that politics have become "evil" and a destroyer of humanity.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to distrust every word that falls from the lips of politicians, because of my belief that they say nothing but lies that allow them to be entrenched in their seats of power.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe, even so briefly, that the political perspective of anarchy could be a viable alternative to what currently passes for politics.

I realized later that anarchy is an unworkable theory that sounds good on paper but could never be used in the form advanced by anarchists and libertarians. I realized that there will have to be some kind of central planning to keep society together because people are too programmed to exist in a de-centered society the libertarians and anarchist fancy. It was a revelation when working on the Equal Money how simple the solution is, and yet how much fear and resistance the concept Equal Money can generate within people. It seems most humans do not want what's best for all if it's thought to override what is best for self. This is kind of like a self-hypnosis that blocks off the simplicity and grace of equality from consideration - even in smart, intelligent people. So for this reason I commit myself to spreading the Gospel of Equality all over the Internet until it comes to fruition. And that also means becoming politically involved.

Can I get One Vote for the Equality Party?

Day 17: The Liar

The Liar. Have you met me? Have you met yourself?

The act of lying attempts to assuage the fear of what the liar unquestionably knows. The Liar lives with an ubiquitous fear of the truth of themselves.

When I lie, it is because I fear expressing the truth of myself. I may not be understood or accepted without the lies. Lying makes the fear of ourselves and others easier to tolerate. As liars, we make sport of beliefs by transforming what we know and don't know into another version of reality. We all need lies to make ourselves look better, sound better, appear better than the truth allows. And since the truth allows deceit, so much the better for us liars.

When I lie, it's done to cover up something that I said or did that I don't want you to know about because I need to look good for those I care about looking good for. Otherwise, the fear of a diminishment of stature rises within me, which needs to be quelled and silenced.

Besides, I'm sure you have noticed how much easier it is to lie than to tell the truth. Lying is second nature to most of us. The Lying Character was born from the memory of being burned (or threatened of being burned)  by the truth. The fear of the Truth may very well be one of the biggest fears within the human being.

Another factor of why we are such great liars is due to motivation. We have all seen others commit acts which lack integrity and foster greed, which seems to allow us all to copy these patterns of dishonest behavior. And it is all due to our inability to post up against the million faces of fear.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to submit to and take upon the mantle of the Liar.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences without the benefit of lies.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deceive others with my lies, not realizing that I was only ever deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to find more comfort in telling lies than in telling the truth, especially about the truth of myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the character of the Liar as a coping tool against existential uncertainty and memories of suffering for the truth.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can "get away with lying," without realizing that nobody ever gets away with lying.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to know that I am self-dishonest yet also believe that I am a "good person," which is living one ginormous paradox.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie and cheat and still believe that I'm a good person.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to equate "success" with "never being caught in a lie."
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to equate "never being caught in a lie," with "cleverness."
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the Liar character in order to present a false picture presentation to others because I feared that presenting who I really am was insufficient.

I commit myself to not utilize the Liar Character in order to make myself more acceptable to others. Because what does that really mean? For others to have a more "favorable" opinion of who I am? People who don't even know me in the first place? It's simply an exercise in ego-building for me to manipulate people to have a favorable opinion of me. Useless. Irrelevant. Meaningless. Because what good does someone's opinion about me matter in this world. Not a whole hell of a lot.
I commit myself to not equate lying with cleverness. It isn't clever. It's stupid. When one is engaged with lying, one is engaging with creating a separation based on fear. It's a path to nowhere.
I commit myself to work on decreasing the amount of lies I tell every day and to grow in being more comfortable and open with others. 90-95% of the lies I tell are probably unnecessary, anyway. And 100% of my lies are based on fears. So by reducing the lies in my life I also reduce the fears, which to me is time well spent.
I commit myself to become more self-honest.

Day 16: The Sacrificial Lamb

I forgive myself that I have sacrificed myself for people and things that were not one and equal with life.

What really bums me I made a really piss-poor sacrificial lamb. I gave up so much of myself and didn't even get very much in return. Supposedly Jesus Supposedly, God sacrificed His only-begotten Son, so that all people might have eternal life.”[1] See, there's an equation going on here. Something that is sacrificed x, gets a payoff, y, in return. My payoff was that I usually fucked myself.

The whole point of the sacrificed is that it must lose its intrinsic value through destruction, which oddly enough, carries the same energetic dynamic of demonism. Either mode, whether pious or demoniac, justify the murder of another creature in extinguishing life.

I look back in my life as a sad parade of sacrifices, small and large, which I enjoined because I thought and believed I was making a choice. But I never made the "choice," say, to marry women I didn't love or even intend on staying with. It seemed I was always "led" into the decision, and gave myself away, or closed my own doors to possibilities or opportunities, but I never really chose.

I'm not like the Jesus in the Crucified Christ story. I didn't seek out to be sacrificed. But I didn't (or couldn't) get out of the way when it showed up in my world. I didn't know self-direction existed then. Nietzsche would have called it "will." I was too enamored of the path of least resistance - going with the flow, as it were. And that flow led me through some strange times of self-defeat and directive paralysis.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice myself to/for others through "going with the flow" and giving into other's opinions of what was the best for me instead of using my self-directive principle to determine what was good for myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in resentment for having made sacrifices of my time and energy for things I really didn't value much.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in helpless anger over the sacrifices I made, because I never got what I wanted in exchange for making the sacrifice.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for feeling cheated by the sacrifices I made, even though I realized what I was doing - taking what I thought was the "easy way out."

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to question the value of sacrifice every time I made up my mind to sacrifice myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had no choice but to be victimized through sacrificing myself to and for others, as this mindset has allowed myself to not face and accept  self-responsibility for my actions for I wanted others to take responsibility for what I imagined happened to me.

I commit myself to not use the idea, projection or belief "sacrifice" or "self-sacrifice" as an excuse for not taking self-responsibility for what occurs in my life.

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[1] This however, never made much sense to me because if Jesus could be "raised from the dead," then his death wasn't as "real" as human-folk are. For human beings, once you're dead - you stay that way. Poof. Gone. But Jesus gets a mulligan, a do-over. Imagine (just this once) the sacrificial lamb which the priests convinced an incredulous, ignorant and superstitious people that beast could actually be ladened  with the "sins" of the people and then slaughtered - its spirit sent back to God - imagine then after that the lamb popped back to life! The sacrifice would be useless as the whole point of taking the life of a creature is that it holds a value that is consumed and "given back to the Creator." This is a contradiction. Once a "gift" is destroyed, how can it be given back? In this case, sacrifice seems to be a negative-sum proposition. "Here, God. We extinguished the life of this animal, the life that you endowed this beast with and made it something of value. Isn't that cool?" So why would the Creator desire something of value that He created to be given back after it was destroyed? Because we are dealing with the human (genetic?) quality of escaping self-responsibility. Better to imagine someone else more powerful taking that responsibility for you.  But Jesus turns the concept upside-down. He doesn't really die, according to the narrative. He rolls away the stone and shows up to his disciples and disappears again. The precious, sacrificial quality of Jesus' death never really takes place because the Son of God is immortal. It's simply a trick. Like Sarah Silverman says, "Jesus is Magic!"

Day 15. The Bookworm

"Discontinue sagacity, discard knowledge
The people benefit a hundred-fold."
LaoTse


"All the philosophies in the world can't compare to a single physical atom."
Bernard Poolman




I've always enjoyed reading and having a collection of books to support my quest for gaining knowledge and information. For some reason I never experienced any difficulty with reading. My books, my knowledge and my information were crucial in creating and gaining my perspectives in relation to this world. Early in my life I was instilled  with the belief that knowledge and information were the touchstones of our reality. Apparently, people who lived before me had thought great thoughts which were written down, which in fact had initiated and sustained human evolution. My favorite place to be on earth when I was a child was within the marble and sandstone structure called the library.

Now, why would I be spend time talking about something as innocuous as reading as a patterned point to take on? The point is this: The pattern become very dominant in most of my characters and it entailed reading, reflecting, memorizing details and comparing it to my own perspective. Filling my consciousness with knowledge to me seemed like filling my lungs with air.

People who are familiar with the Desteni Process are also familiar about the parasitic nature of the mind consciousness system. The mind consciousness system is not understood by scientists of the mind and consists of the downloaded info passed down through genetics and through the thoughts and knowledge gained by participating within the world. Everyone has built up various personalities and characters that reflect and to cope with the various memories, parental, social and environmental influences that rain down on us daily. For myself, I've used intelligence, vocabulary, memory, reading and writing to support my world-view and mindset. With these I built up a knowledge and information fortress comprised of the pages of books and magazines which gifted me with my personal perspective of the world - which for a lifetime, I considered "correct." It wasn't until I met and studied with Bernard Poolman that it was revealed to me that my knowledge base that I was so proud of made very precious for myself was essentially a religion. And of course, a religion is nothing more than an organized system of beliefs that is used to control and enslave people to a particular imaginary point.

This isn't the blog where I'm going to write about how the accumulated knowledge and information has not made the life better for the typical (non-wealthy) person in this world aside from the technological conveniences and some medical advances. This is the blog where I am writing about something more personal, where knowledge has failed me because I depended on knowledge to make me a better person. And you can be smart as fuck and have an interesting, rewarding life - but what good is it in a world like this? The smartest people in the world have no ideas and certainly no solutions to the global problems in the world. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the problem with knowledge - it's still quite limited and hasn't solved a single social problem since the days of ancient Greece. My acquired knowledge never rang up the solution to the problems of the world. In fact, I once (and ashamed to admit in public) that once could create their reality through imagination. And that flying saucers were due to arrive any moment. Today I cringe that I ever could be taken in so easily.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that acquiring knowledge and information made me "intelligent," when it only made my self-definition dependent on something outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that "intelligence is better than ignorance," and thus since I was "more intelligent than others" I must be "better than others," not realizing that intelligence is limited and I was limiting myself by defining myself is such ways.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to erect an edifice of personalities based on "intellect" and "wisdom," and within that not knowing that these personality structures were based on imagination and mental limitation and ultimately worthless.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use and accumulate knowledge and information to justify my perspectives of the world without finding or observing a solution to or taking responsibility for the problems my perspectives took notice of and objected to.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become isolated within my mind while amassing volumes of knowledge and information, which only diminished my effectiveness within the relationships I maintained in my world.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be seduced by the claims that knowledge and information could find an answer to solve all the world's problems without seeing or understand why they never had anything more than a piddling effect throughout all of history.

I commit myself to no longer plunge myself within the refuge of books for the purpose of acquiring knowledge and information that will justify and feed my ego's need to be "special."
I commit myself to use my acquired knowledge and information in a meaningful way - to further and help bring about a solution to the benefit of all, and not waste time on meaningless mind-worship.

Day 14: The Husband

Having been twice-married, I have lived through the experience of being a "husband." Since both marriages failed I suppose it could be easily said that I also failed as a husband, which I don't mind admitting. I completely went through the motions of being a husband and never really took the role all that seriously. It was just another of the various identities I wore for a time.

The etymology of the word husband comes from the Nordic languages, "Husbondi" (master of the house). And at least I fulfilled that requirement as I managed to uphold. The "life partner" to the wife, not so good, obviously. When I bring the experiences of my marriages to the present and look at them, I see that I existed within my own private bubble of thoughts, secrets and perspectives that I never shared. Neither wife had any idea who I really was. I don't blame them. I simply didn't know how to share myself within any type of honesty, let alone self-honesty. As I have said, it was as if I was performing a role, and a rather shallow one at that. I did not tell the women who ended up marrying me that I really didn't want to marry them. I simply went along with it. You could say that I sacrificed myself for them so they wouldn't be alone because nobody else would marry them (or so I thought). I didn't tell either one that from the first day of marriage I would be leaving open a back door to escape at my time of choosing.  At the time I didn't know what I really wanted, to be free or to be legally bound to someone for the rest of my life. It was so much work trying to find someone interested in me in the first place. And while I never deluded myself that I was "in love" with either woman, it seemed to be a better bet just being with someone however which way they wanted it. They both asked and I agreed and immediately regretted the decision. Why couldn't I just say what I really felt? Because I was a coward. Because I was lazy. It apparently was far easier for me to sacrifice my life to women I didn't love (or rather, pretended to love) than to just say no, not interested in that, babe. I didn't have my priorities straight, it seemed.

But there was a payoff, as there always are in relationships. Shelter, sex, companionship and largely got to do what I wanted, which manifested with me alternating between being a nice husband and a royal jerk.

The upshot is that the consequences that arose from my self-dishonesty has made it very clear that none of this was justifiable, necessary or smart. Pure lunacy. And I caused a lot more problems for everyone instead of being a great help. Not cool and I am sorry it ever happened.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play the husband character with the full knowledge of dropping that role when it suited me, and not realizing the harm and damage such a secret agenda could do another.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to "play" the role of a character called the Husband and not taking it seriously enough and the consequence was that other people were hurt due to the nature of thoughts within my secret mind.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for not respecting my wives enough to tell them the truth of how I actually felt about getting married, and this gave then false hope and an incomplete reading of the situation of our relationship with them thinking everything is okay and with me thinking of ways to get out.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use women to protect me from loneliness and boredom which prevented me for a long time from facing myself and becoming self-honest.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not divulge any of the contents of my secret mind to others while this went on, because I feared that they may become upset -- not realizing that all I had to do was to show them where I was and speak it out loud and say everyone a lot of trouble
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be sacrificed within my marriages, and there I wasted a lot of valuable time and energy.
I forgive myself that I did NOT accept and allow myself to not say, "NO I don't want to get married"  when asked.

I commit myself in relieving the character of the husband for good and not activate him if ever I am asked to marry again.
I commit myself to take my relationships seriously, and if I ever get married again  I will not disrespect my partner by not telling her what is going on within me.
I commit myself that will not use the back door of my secret mind thoughts to deceive and delude my partner into a false reality where she thinks everything is fine while I'm planning to escape.
I commit myself to no longer offer myself up as a sacrificial relationship to another because a sacrifice only has value if that value is destroyed by the sacrifice - and whatever is destroyed by sacrifice can never be replaced.

Day 13: The Good Son

Mother always said that I never gave her any trouble. Typically I was always a good boy. Truth is I had to work at it, what with being the "man of the house" when I was only eight years old. Even then I knew that I was somehow being shafted out of a "normal" childhood by my parent's situation. So to keep things on an "even keel" I tried very hard to be dependable, reliable and ready for action because my mother had a hard time coping with being a young single parent with four kids.
If it sounds like I have some unresolved issues with my mother, I've gone through enough therapy and self-forgiveness to understand she probably did the best she knew how, and it's pointless to blame. I just need to forgive myself for a lot of self-sacrificing that wasn't to the betterment of my character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate the character of a "Good Son" in order to keep my family together by placating and manipulating my mother into a "good mood."
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deceive my mother by being a "Good Son" - because  wanting to do "good things" and "get noticed" for mother was self-dishonest - because I was more concerned about my own experience than hers.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the "Good Son" as a defense mechanism against the existential fears of my own uncertain surroundings.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to help create my offspring of "good sons" of my own that replicates the pattern throughout all our lives.

I commit myself to stop using this character in order to manipulate others.
I commit myself to forgive and retire this character and develop the standing within myself in accordance to the equality principle without the need to manipulate others to further my self-interest.

Day 12: The Good Guy Character

Looking into the character of the Good Guy, I realize that this is one I've accepted and invested a lot of time in. The Good Guy emerges from my Midwestern roots program. Midwesterners are laid back, plain talking and for the most part, like to pretend that we are very decent people. Good Guys and Gals are Good People: the ones to be counted on and who stood up against Evil. Manners. Politeness. Things that make people feel at ease and comfortable. When looking into this , I realize that this is one I've accepted and invested a lot of time on.  I always wanted to be the Good Guy, ever since my childhood when my mother needed a Good Guy to help her out. Obviously since the Good Guy is often frustrated and humiliated by trying events and bad relationships, behind the smile there is a lot of resentment and anger within that character that can leak out in many ways.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for creating the Good Guy as a defense mechanism against uncertainty when relating to people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a persona that protects my self-interest in the form of "helping out others."

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for believing that the Good Guys should always "win," without realizing that winning must create a loser in a competitive battle where the most important thing is to be a winner - thereby creating the justification of being "right." 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for believing that the Good Guy is always Good, and not looking at the misdeeds and deceptions that also make up my life's story.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become identified with "the Good" while secretly doubting the efficacy and effectiveness in the Good's competitive battle with Evil

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place more attention on the idea of "doing good" rather than being a more effective and self-honest person

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that Good People are "better" than Bad People.

I commit myself to reevaluate the character of the Good Guy and bring it into line within the principle of Oneness and Equality, and seeing where my character contributes to self-dishonesty by wrapping itself with the mantle of "goodness" and "fair play" without actually changing myself into a person that transcends this false dichotomy and works towards the benefit for all, equal and one.

Day 11: The Quitter Character

In the past when things got real tough to handle, I don't mind telling you folks that I was not beneath  walking away and quitting. Throw in the towel. Hang up the gloves,  "If I can't beat it, QUIT!" 

I've walked out of jobs, relationships, marriages, bands , you name it. If I wasn't calling all the shots, or get what I wanted,  I used to become quite agitated.I should have done better , but I didn't know how to face myself in those situations.Since I don't enjoy sustained conflict, walking away seemed like a proper choice.

But I've come to realize over the years, that this might not be the best way to  handle one's affairs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit when things get tough to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit when relationships got tough to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit when jobs got too crazy to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit just before things could have gotten better for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit instead of facing myself in what ever situation  that needed direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit; behind which existed a fear of loss or losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit and not realize that it was my Quitting Character that retreated and quit over a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit before I achieved anything that was worthwhile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit and go into self-judgment over it.

I commit myself to be watchful and notice when the Quitter Character is set to move into my consciousness and not "give in" and "admit defeat" when the Quitter, as a defense mechanism, appears.

I commit myself to transcend the Quitter where I do not allow myself to give on a point of defeat but instead walk through whatever comes up and deal with it one step at a time.