Day 40 The SHIT Gurus say Part 3

The syllable gu means shadows The syllable ru, he who disperses them, Because of the power to disperse darkness the guru is thus named. — Advayataraka Upanishad 14—18, verse 5

The tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao The name that can be named is not the eternal Name. The unnamable is the eternally real. Naming is the origin of all particular things. Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations. Yet mystery and manifestations arise from the same source. This source is called darkness. Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding. - (1) Tao Te Ching, Trans. Stephen Mitchell 

 I suggest, that one consider, forgiving yourself for every single point where you have denied yourself the insight, the realization, the common sense that Life is Equal within everyone.  For that, Forgiveness is a tool, because in that you give yourself freedom from your delusion.  - Bernard Poolman

So gurus exist to disperse the darkness? That's so like them. Maybe that's why I never trusted any of them. Krishnmurti (J, not so much U.G. - he was actually kinda cool), Alan Watts, Osho, the Buddha Boy, etc. I just couldn't get behind any spiritual teacher enough to say, "Yes, that's it. I'm following him." When I look back on it, that attitude may have been ingrained within me from when I was involuntarily dragged to different churches during my childhood. I hated them all for the most part, and I especially loathed the preachers. I hate to get all Holden Caulfield on ya, but anyone could see they were all phonies. If I was going to accept spirituality, it would have to be acceptable on my own terms, not what somebody else said about it. My problem was that I accepted too much of it, far too much to see and recognize the farce and the illusion of its entirety. Yes, that's right, I knew and understood that most of spirituality was bullshit. Course of Miracles? Bullshit. The Urantia Book? Bullshit. Ramtha? Bullshit. But the Seth Material, the works of the ancient Gnostics, Theosophy and Conversations with God? Oh, those were just fine! I bought into those works because they contained the right amount of pure bullshit that I found agreeable. That’s the key. Everybody tends to gravitate towards the perspective that carries the same frequency of their programming, knowledge and information. And then become controlled by that.

What is interesting is that all these works have the same built-in deficiencies: not one of those sources of “wisdom” addressed why so much evil shit kept happening, and for all intent and purposes, that evil shit seemed to grow at an exponential rate with each new day. The more I got into it, the more it began to frustrate me. I didn't really want to know the secret behind existence as much as learning what could be done to fix and repair this world. In the end, spirituality taught me that it could only offer vague blandishments and esoteric, meaningless bullshit. Spirituality contains no solution, you know. Bullshit, no matter how esoteric or meaningless, is never about a solution. That's why it's bullshit. But in the hands of a master bullshit artist, like a politician or a guru, one can make anything sound beautiful and relevant. And since people have been programmed to equate flowery bullshit with "truth" and "nice feelings," they can find more than enough dupes to subsidize their lifestyle and self-illusion. Most people are content with living with bullshit. But gurus make their followers feel “special” by dispensing “pure bullshit.” As Riz Mirza says, “It’s a great gig.”

And now you know why gurus exist - to find people to subsidize their lavishly-built spiritual illusions. The job of the guru is present themselves as shortcuts to Enlightenment. And that for a commission, they can shortcut enlightenment for you, too. The Guru will promise if you follow his methodology, teachings and perspectives, you can become "more" than you are now. You will become a “new being” if you will chose to feel "happiness" and positive and believe that your new self-definition is real without doing a goddamn thing. Well, except giving the guru money, recognition and followers. Gurus teach how to "disperse the darkness" of the real world be escaping from it by fleeing into a false consciousness filled with rainbows, unicorns, energy, light and love and feelings.

It is unfortunate for gurus and their hapless followers that they will never consider that their knowledge, consciousness, energy and feelings – everything that makes them feel good about themselves - are not real. The only reality that matters is the one they are trying to escape from. And the gurus and their followers of Light and Love are too enamored with their own perspectives to ever break free of their self-delusion to consider anything that doesn’t “feel good” or justify their self-interest.

So, how did I manage to break out of that spirituality bubble? I realized that it didn’t answer the questions that I had or cared about. I wanted to know about why the world was so fucked up and people were so shitty to each other. Why governments and corporations have been allowed to run rampant over the lives of beings that have become disposable commodities. I didn’t see the connection between all of that and walking around with a phantom of St. Germaine on Mount Shasta or being in contact with aliens. I couldn’t connect the dots. It was an interesting detour from the awful reality of this world, but the awful reality world never went away. And I guess in the end, I felt more of a connection to the abused and the disposable and the powerless in the world. That’s why when I finally bumped into the Desteni Material, I felt like, “Wow. This is the shit!” The missing blanks filled in with common sense and hard, gritty substance that did not forsake the real world. The search was over. The news that the Desteni Material brings isn’t a sugar-coated cake to make you feel good about yourself – but it will make you reconsider your priorities, and more importantly – take goddamn action to really change yourself and your world. If you are only concerned with maintaining your own special, light - filled scene, then you’ll only see demons. Which is to say, you’re only seeing a reflection of yourself.

Day 26: The Colleague at Work

 

I've worked my share of dead-end and unrewarding jobs in my life, and since I've started my own business, I've realized that working for a company or other people wasn't all that fun. Or meaningful. Or lucrative. It seems to me now life a series of prison sentences where I was stuck in one place for 8 hours a day having to deal with all kinds of people, most I tried to like, but were often annoying or hideously rude (which is what you get when you work in "customer service."

I always loved that term, "customer service," where one "services" "customers." But rude and clueless customers were only one part of the equation of why I hated so many of those kind of jobs. The other half of my tale of woe belongs to my coworkers.

Ah, my colleagues and managers. There have been some that I became quite fond of, and others that I've thankfully forgotten and others who were just jackasses that I seriously would have liked to kill them.

But you have to work with others. No escaping that. I just wish they were sitting in a cubicle on the other side of the building.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed at people I worked with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to get away from some people I worked with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge these coworkers for getting in my way and making my job harder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the managers who I worked for to be clueless about what went on in their own store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have "favorites" of who I worked with and others who were not my favorites.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking that other workers were lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being aloof towards some coworkers I didn't want to get to know me.

I commit myself to not engage in secret mind banter about my coworkers.

I commit myself to not engage in forming secret mind groupings where I place people I like and people I don't like in separate groups.

I commit myself to be more tolerant of stranger I have to work with and not hold judgments about them in my mind.

Day 25 The Cultural Snob

The Cultural Snob as one of my personalities isn't what you may at first glance think of. I'm not of those in the upper classes who look down upon the lower classes. I'm snobbish (tending to look down upon) on people who blindly crow about how wonderful America is.

It's not that I feel American Culture is worthy of praise (it really isn't. American Exceptionalism be damned), or that its values and contributions have made the world a better place (absolutely not), or that its customs and mores are worth duplicating the world over. My kind of cultural snobbishness is my own accumulation of my likes and dislikes which I believe that if everyone shared it, our world would be a much better place.

And to this goes my political snobbishness, which is stridently finding fault with the current power structure. For example, democrats and republicans are useless placeholders of our political system. There is really not that much difference between a conservative and a liberal; they both want to keep the status quo (and the perilous state of the "middle class" at) on indefinite hold.  All the middle class does is act as the buffer between the very poor and the very wealthy. That's always been the role of the "middle class" from Day 1 of this republic.

Economical bearishness causes me to hold my nose when I hear people defend capitalism and its social contract when it is obvious that countries that adopt some kind of socialism enjoy a higher quality of life than good ole America! They bemoan socialism while cheering for social security, corporate welfare, medicare -- but giving American Citizens free health care (like they do in more civilized countries) is one step closer to Armageddon. Idiots.

Cultural snobbishness: what I like in the Arts is the best the Arts have to offer. My favorite painter also happens to be the best painter the world has ever known, in my opinion. snobbishness always comes from opinions, don't they? Plainly put, snobbishness, in its tendency to look down on others and judge them for being slow on the uptake, isn't good for me in my process.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look down on people who don't live up to my expectations.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look down on my fellow Americans because they are ignorant and clueless on how they are being used by the same hand that's enslaving us.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to allow this to frustrate me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a snob that has no tolerance of contrary views against what I have considered.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm right and they're wrong.

I commit myself to let go of the snobbery and judgments towards those who disagree with my opinions.
I commit myself to realize thatbeing a snob of any kind is simply not necessary.

Day 24: The Comedian

What is a comedian? Someone who tells jokes or stories in a humorous way. Someone witty and clever. I became a comedian because it kept me sane while growing up in a world that became more ludicrous and absurd the older I got. Absurd = absolute nonsense. The absurdity of life has so impressed human beings that a philosophy, existentialism, was created just to try and make sense out of it. At times my life was full of events so bizarre and preposterous that when tragedy struck again and again, all I could do was laugh about it.

I understood how jokes and comedy worked. Comedy is always based on lies or deceptions that blow back on the instigator in some way. Look at any situation comedy in the history of television and you'll see that what I am saying is valid.

Some of my favorite novels excel at extolling this trait of comedy/ Such as Catch-22. Television shows like Peep Show and Extras. To keep myself from getting beat up so much as a kid, I relied on self-deprecating humor. It worked. But I never really understood why I had to imagine life was an exercise in absurdity. Because everything we do is directed to deceive and divert attention from ourselves. And sometimes, or often, hilarity ensues.

Life is not a joke, however. I believe we can all agree on that. Life can be unimaginably cruel and painful, and there are no laughs to be had for the billions of people who are not able to enjoy themselves with a chuckle.

One time I was staying with a friend who got upset about something... I don't remember, nut may have been something I did. Anyway, I made a joke about it and she said, "Don't do that. You can't interrupt someone's pain with a joke." At first I thought she was being a little too precious, but now, I think she may have had a point. However, having a sense of humor can't be the worst thing in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perform as a comedian without understanding why I do so,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on using self-deprecating humor in menacing situations instead of just standing up for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the mask of the comedian, as I did so to keep people at arms' length, and so I was engaging in deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for using humor sometimes to be the center of attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unaware of my actions when engaging within the personality role of the Comedian.

I commit myself to not employ comedy

Day 21 What I haven't Seen Part 1

How that I have not been HERE.
I haven't been HERE. I've only been in my mind. Not being HERE is causing a lot of problems. It causes me to miss information, to miss what's being said, causing misunderstandings, irritation and fear, because I don't know what I am doing or saying - just reaction. Not being HERE also causes judgments, avoidance and a lack of self-responibility.

Why is it so hard to BE HERE? It's because I spend so much time in my mind. I know that I shouldn't, but it's like an addiction, where I want to quit, but I can't. Or rather, don't know how to. I know the breath is important, but staying with it feels impossible, because I go into fear because I can't maintain it.

Why is this coming up? Because I need to make money bad so I can pay my bills and someday get back to the farm. And I've been struggling to find a job, and I had a pretty decent shot at one until I "blew it." I didn't pay attention to the map I had made and got lost, missing the interview. The question arose as I drove back home. " Why am I sabotaging myself?"

I apparently missed a few points about working, rendering the earlier self-forgivenes ineffective. It's all related, my "issues." I stop "not listening,"  and take full responsibility for my actions.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be present in every single moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe being HERE is not all important.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself in not being HERE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself in NOT being Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge instead of listening.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying self-forgiveness to this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not  be fully Be Here, because I don't know how.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a dishonest being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form judgments instead of listening.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not getting a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to no fear losing my jog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be frustrated with not finding a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that I will never find a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in avoiding being present HERE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not paying attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for FEARING to pay attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for avoiding myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend too much time in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I don't know how top stop being addicted to thinking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because "thinking is easier than breathing."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging myself because I can't breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being aware of what I am doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being aware of pretending to know what is going on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for avoiding what is HERE by living in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing by breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging breathing as "so hard to do."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as "not good enough" because I can't be with my breath every moment.

Part 2 next

concerned).

Day 20: The Nightmare of the Survivor

I was standing at the counter of my job when someone came up to me and asked how I was doing.

"Surviving," I said. He responded, "Yeah. I know what you mean."

We both knew. everybody knows that surviving through all the thousand natural shocks the flesh is destined to suffer though is the name of the game. Shocks that are ever felt until our last breath. After all, we are all survivors... and live long enough to know we survive... for a brief time.

The unpleasant truth about the human being is two-fold. we all know that we must live an enormous amount of time suffering with the knowledge of a fate that no one can escape, a growth through a slow protracted decline (which paradoxically seems to occur very fast), which ends in death. Life to most of us is survival in suffering unto a great, final erasing from existence. Yet we erected many tough-sounding platitudes to fortify our resolve to that would allow us even get out of bed in the morning such as, "Only the strong survive!" What they really mean is only the strong survive for a while. No mention that the weak suffer too long and hang onto life in what must seem like an unreasonable proposition.

The point that I'm attempting to make in this disjointed, rambling rant is that I'm sick of "surviving." I know you are too. Whether if it is slogging through a shitty job, or a shitty relationship or a shitty life, I know we are all sick and tired of living to survive.There just doesn't seem to be anything we can do about it. It seems that living to survive according to how much money you have and surviving to live according to how much money you have is the best idea we can come up with. It isn't. This is. An Equal Money economy. But I understand it's years away. Looks like we'll have to survive a little while longer before this gets done.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that "surviving" is a noble characteristic of the human being. I didn't realize that there is nothing "noble" suffering through a life of hardship for all of us who have nothing or are blocked from having enough to live with dignity and honor. We are all trapped within the jaws of a nightmare for survival, a nightmare that is unfortunately all to real and that nobody cam awake from until we all establish what is best for all, which is equality for all. Yet until that happens, this nightmare will continue devour and torment all until nothing left will remain.

I am grateful that I know have a chance in this life to awaken from this nightmare, grateful that I have something to work towards overturning rather than helplessly standing by and accepting and allowing this horrible dream to continue.