Day 15. The Bookworm

"Discontinue sagacity, discard knowledge
The people benefit a hundred-fold."
LaoTse


"All the philosophies in the world can't compare to a single physical atom."
Bernard Poolman




I've always enjoyed reading and having a collection of books to support my quest for gaining knowledge and information. For some reason I never experienced any difficulty with reading. My books, my knowledge and my information were crucial in creating and gaining my perspectives in relation to this world. Early in my life I was instilled  with the belief that knowledge and information were the touchstones of our reality. Apparently, people who lived before me had thought great thoughts which were written down, which in fact had initiated and sustained human evolution. My favorite place to be on earth when I was a child was within the marble and sandstone structure called the library.

Now, why would I be spend time talking about something as innocuous as reading as a patterned point to take on? The point is this: The pattern become very dominant in most of my characters and it entailed reading, reflecting, memorizing details and comparing it to my own perspective. Filling my consciousness with knowledge to me seemed like filling my lungs with air.

People who are familiar with the Desteni Process are also familiar about the parasitic nature of the mind consciousness system. The mind consciousness system is not understood by scientists of the mind and consists of the downloaded info passed down through genetics and through the thoughts and knowledge gained by participating within the world. Everyone has built up various personalities and characters that reflect and to cope with the various memories, parental, social and environmental influences that rain down on us daily. For myself, I've used intelligence, vocabulary, memory, reading and writing to support my world-view and mindset. With these I built up a knowledge and information fortress comprised of the pages of books and magazines which gifted me with my personal perspective of the world - which for a lifetime, I considered "correct." It wasn't until I met and studied with Bernard Poolman that it was revealed to me that my knowledge base that I was so proud of made very precious for myself was essentially a religion. And of course, a religion is nothing more than an organized system of beliefs that is used to control and enslave people to a particular imaginary point.

This isn't the blog where I'm going to write about how the accumulated knowledge and information has not made the life better for the typical (non-wealthy) person in this world aside from the technological conveniences and some medical advances. This is the blog where I am writing about something more personal, where knowledge has failed me because I depended on knowledge to make me a better person. And you can be smart as fuck and have an interesting, rewarding life - but what good is it in a world like this? The smartest people in the world have no ideas and certainly no solutions to the global problems in the world. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the problem with knowledge - it's still quite limited and hasn't solved a single social problem since the days of ancient Greece. My acquired knowledge never rang up the solution to the problems of the world. In fact, I once (and ashamed to admit in public) that once could create their reality through imagination. And that flying saucers were due to arrive any moment. Today I cringe that I ever could be taken in so easily.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that acquiring knowledge and information made me "intelligent," when it only made my self-definition dependent on something outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that "intelligence is better than ignorance," and thus since I was "more intelligent than others" I must be "better than others," not realizing that intelligence is limited and I was limiting myself by defining myself is such ways.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to erect an edifice of personalities based on "intellect" and "wisdom," and within that not knowing that these personality structures were based on imagination and mental limitation and ultimately worthless.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use and accumulate knowledge and information to justify my perspectives of the world without finding or observing a solution to or taking responsibility for the problems my perspectives took notice of and objected to.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become isolated within my mind while amassing volumes of knowledge and information, which only diminished my effectiveness within the relationships I maintained in my world.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be seduced by the claims that knowledge and information could find an answer to solve all the world's problems without seeing or understand why they never had anything more than a piddling effect throughout all of history.

I commit myself to no longer plunge myself within the refuge of books for the purpose of acquiring knowledge and information that will justify and feed my ego's need to be "special."
I commit myself to use my acquired knowledge and information in a meaningful way - to further and help bring about a solution to the benefit of all, and not waste time on meaningless mind-worship.

Day 14: The Husband

Having been twice-married, I have lived through the experience of being a "husband." Since both marriages failed I suppose it could be easily said that I also failed as a husband, which I don't mind admitting. I completely went through the motions of being a husband and never really took the role all that seriously. It was just another of the various identities I wore for a time.

The etymology of the word husband comes from the Nordic languages, "Husbondi" (master of the house). And at least I fulfilled that requirement as I managed to uphold. The "life partner" to the wife, not so good, obviously. When I bring the experiences of my marriages to the present and look at them, I see that I existed within my own private bubble of thoughts, secrets and perspectives that I never shared. Neither wife had any idea who I really was. I don't blame them. I simply didn't know how to share myself within any type of honesty, let alone self-honesty. As I have said, it was as if I was performing a role, and a rather shallow one at that. I did not tell the women who ended up marrying me that I really didn't want to marry them. I simply went along with it. You could say that I sacrificed myself for them so they wouldn't be alone because nobody else would marry them (or so I thought). I didn't tell either one that from the first day of marriage I would be leaving open a back door to escape at my time of choosing.  At the time I didn't know what I really wanted, to be free or to be legally bound to someone for the rest of my life. It was so much work trying to find someone interested in me in the first place. And while I never deluded myself that I was "in love" with either woman, it seemed to be a better bet just being with someone however which way they wanted it. They both asked and I agreed and immediately regretted the decision. Why couldn't I just say what I really felt? Because I was a coward. Because I was lazy. It apparently was far easier for me to sacrifice my life to women I didn't love (or rather, pretended to love) than to just say no, not interested in that, babe. I didn't have my priorities straight, it seemed.

But there was a payoff, as there always are in relationships. Shelter, sex, companionship and largely got to do what I wanted, which manifested with me alternating between being a nice husband and a royal jerk.

The upshot is that the consequences that arose from my self-dishonesty has made it very clear that none of this was justifiable, necessary or smart. Pure lunacy. And I caused a lot more problems for everyone instead of being a great help. Not cool and I am sorry it ever happened.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play the husband character with the full knowledge of dropping that role when it suited me, and not realizing the harm and damage such a secret agenda could do another.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to "play" the role of a character called the Husband and not taking it seriously enough and the consequence was that other people were hurt due to the nature of thoughts within my secret mind.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for not respecting my wives enough to tell them the truth of how I actually felt about getting married, and this gave then false hope and an incomplete reading of the situation of our relationship with them thinking everything is okay and with me thinking of ways to get out.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use women to protect me from loneliness and boredom which prevented me for a long time from facing myself and becoming self-honest.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not divulge any of the contents of my secret mind to others while this went on, because I feared that they may become upset -- not realizing that all I had to do was to show them where I was and speak it out loud and say everyone a lot of trouble
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be sacrificed within my marriages, and there I wasted a lot of valuable time and energy.
I forgive myself that I did NOT accept and allow myself to not say, "NO I don't want to get married"  when asked.

I commit myself in relieving the character of the husband for good and not activate him if ever I am asked to marry again.
I commit myself to take my relationships seriously, and if I ever get married again  I will not disrespect my partner by not telling her what is going on within me.
I commit myself that will not use the back door of my secret mind thoughts to deceive and delude my partner into a false reality where she thinks everything is fine while I'm planning to escape.
I commit myself to no longer offer myself up as a sacrificial relationship to another because a sacrifice only has value if that value is destroyed by the sacrifice - and whatever is destroyed by sacrifice can never be replaced.

Day 13: The Good Son

Mother always said that I never gave her any trouble. Typically I was always a good boy. Truth is I had to work at it, what with being the "man of the house" when I was only eight years old. Even then I knew that I was somehow being shafted out of a "normal" childhood by my parent's situation. So to keep things on an "even keel" I tried very hard to be dependable, reliable and ready for action because my mother had a hard time coping with being a young single parent with four kids.
If it sounds like I have some unresolved issues with my mother, I've gone through enough therapy and self-forgiveness to understand she probably did the best she knew how, and it's pointless to blame. I just need to forgive myself for a lot of self-sacrificing that wasn't to the betterment of my character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate the character of a "Good Son" in order to keep my family together by placating and manipulating my mother into a "good mood."
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deceive my mother by being a "Good Son" - because  wanting to do "good things" and "get noticed" for mother was self-dishonest - because I was more concerned about my own experience than hers.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the "Good Son" as a defense mechanism against the existential fears of my own uncertain surroundings.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to help create my offspring of "good sons" of my own that replicates the pattern throughout all our lives.

I commit myself to stop using this character in order to manipulate others.
I commit myself to forgive and retire this character and develop the standing within myself in accordance to the equality principle without the need to manipulate others to further my self-interest.

Day 12: The Good Guy Character

Looking into the character of the Good Guy, I realize that this is one I've accepted and invested a lot of time in. The Good Guy emerges from my Midwestern roots program. Midwesterners are laid back, plain talking and for the most part, like to pretend that we are very decent people. Good Guys and Gals are Good People: the ones to be counted on and who stood up against Evil. Manners. Politeness. Things that make people feel at ease and comfortable. When looking into this , I realize that this is one I've accepted and invested a lot of time on.  I always wanted to be the Good Guy, ever since my childhood when my mother needed a Good Guy to help her out. Obviously since the Good Guy is often frustrated and humiliated by trying events and bad relationships, behind the smile there is a lot of resentment and anger within that character that can leak out in many ways.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for creating the Good Guy as a defense mechanism against uncertainty when relating to people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a persona that protects my self-interest in the form of "helping out others."

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for believing that the Good Guys should always "win," without realizing that winning must create a loser in a competitive battle where the most important thing is to be a winner - thereby creating the justification of being "right." 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for believing that the Good Guy is always Good, and not looking at the misdeeds and deceptions that also make up my life's story.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become identified with "the Good" while secretly doubting the efficacy and effectiveness in the Good's competitive battle with Evil

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place more attention on the idea of "doing good" rather than being a more effective and self-honest person

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that Good People are "better" than Bad People.

I commit myself to reevaluate the character of the Good Guy and bring it into line within the principle of Oneness and Equality, and seeing where my character contributes to self-dishonesty by wrapping itself with the mantle of "goodness" and "fair play" without actually changing myself into a person that transcends this false dichotomy and works towards the benefit for all, equal and one.

Day 11: The Quitter Character

In the past when things got real tough to handle, I don't mind telling you folks that I was not beneath  walking away and quitting. Throw in the towel. Hang up the gloves,  "If I can't beat it, QUIT!" 

I've walked out of jobs, relationships, marriages, bands , you name it. If I wasn't calling all the shots, or get what I wanted,  I used to become quite agitated.I should have done better , but I didn't know how to face myself in those situations.Since I don't enjoy sustained conflict, walking away seemed like a proper choice.

But I've come to realize over the years, that this might not be the best way to  handle one's affairs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit when things get tough to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit when relationships got tough to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit when jobs got too crazy to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit just before things could have gotten better for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit instead of facing myself in what ever situation  that needed direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit; behind which existed a fear of loss or losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit and not realize that it was my Quitting Character that retreated and quit over a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit before I achieved anything that was worthwhile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit and go into self-judgment over it.

I commit myself to be watchful and notice when the Quitter Character is set to move into my consciousness and not "give in" and "admit defeat" when the Quitter, as a defense mechanism, appears.

I commit myself to transcend the Quitter where I do not allow myself to give on a point of defeat but instead walk through whatever comes up and deal with it one step at a time.

Day 10: The Substances of Separation

 "But as with Energy that has emerged as the substance of separation within me, because I did not stand with/as my equality and oneness – Money as the World-System has emerged as the manifestation of separation, because we as humanity could not regulate/take directive principles of our relationships with ourselves, each other and this physical existence in working/living together, and so money became the substitute that is controlling/regulating the functioning/existing of humanity as a whole together on this Earth." (Emphasis added) [1]

And here the formulation of the entirety of the Human Condition is succinctly stated, framed and made crystal clear. The alienation, dread, loneliness and the search for meaning and control in this world can all be reduced to a singular condition - separation. To deal with this sense of dreadful separation the fearful minds of human beings created Gods. Then shortly after that - money.


And it was all placed before us by the shamen, priests and philosophers, and later by the elites, scientists and investment bankers, all selling the same snake oil - and we all simply bought it and never questioned it. Hell, I knew something was terribly wrong with this world since my childhood, and I knew the "Spiritual Masters" were not telling us the entire story - but I never imagined how deep the controls really went! "How are going to make others buy into their enslavement?" Answer: print some dollars and tell them they have to buy the right to survive and see what happens - very few will even question it! Oh yes, there have been movements to make the financial racket "more fair" and less absolute, but look - movements like the Marxism, Communism and socialism were co-opted by Capitalism from Day One, and long ago became irrelevant in the matter concerning how human relations should be ideally formed. Social critics like Marx, Emma Goldman and Herbert Marcuse  and even Freud who held various straws of the problems of social oppression between human beings could not have guessed how far they would have to go in their research to get anywhere near the clarity and truthfulness of the quoted passage above. One could scarcely do better in finding a better laid - out schematic on how this world became so fucked up. Don't fall for the baloney from money - chasing New Agers and Celebrity Gurus and other paragons of wisdom, either. To them, the physical world is not real, anyway. The only things that really get them juiced is energy and money. Doesn't matter if most of the followers of New Age-ism don't have any money! They see that as their "Earth-School" opportunity to think and grow rich - content within their own bubble of consciousness while the rest of the world goes to hell. 


As a former Seeker of Truth about the Nature of Reality, I sought answers from what I believed were unorthodox sources. And while I was entertained with looking through these "channeled" material and "spiritual" hogwash, what I ultimately got out of it was an unsatisfying sense of "something missing." But I just couldn't put my finger on it. The entire spiritual construct seemed completely ineffective in stopping (or at the very least, curbing) the daily parade of atrocities and suffering that infect this world. All they offered were warm, fuzzy words and mental experiments where we were promised to have the power to "create our own reality" through the powers of consciousness. But if this was so, why did nothing ever change?


Because the problem is our relationship to consciousness, energy and (wait for it) money. And if one considers that this Holy Trinity of the substances of separation is where we must begin our work in deconstructing the problem of the enslavement of the human race, one must feel that we are finally standing on the firm ground of sanity and an actionable path in finding solutions to our problems. The solution is to first recognize that such substances of separation in fact exist. Too many people need to understand this. But, there are many seekers like myself who can put 1 + 1 together. And now that this truly revolutionary turn in human understanding has finally been made available for the first time, it is only a matter of time before more people attain the same realizations needed to finally place this world in a state of equality and oneness which is our True Substance and Being. Many thanks to Sunette Spies, Bernard Poolman and the rest of the Destonians who are making this material available.




I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself for failing to understand the connection between the energy of consciousness within and the energy of money that I allowed to control my actions and thoughts.
I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself for not recognizing that there exists a separation within the relationships of human beings and within that "gap" flows the blood of the system: money. And it is this blood of the system that I yearned to be baptized in, allowing me to become acceptable in the sight of the system and to myself. 
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek after answers in unverifiable sources that promised that "everything will be alright in the end" and that "love and light will one day vanquish evil forever," instead of immediately question why love and light has never accomplished one goddamn thing in existence except deluding people into false beliefs that promise energy, higher consciousness and an escape from consequence.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could find the truth and the truth could "set me free" 
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to come to the idea that everything in life was "all about money," and feeling incapable of changing anything about how it all worked, especially myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could desire to obtain money and pursuing "higher consciousness" became my "directive principle" in my life. 
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with money throughout my life, a pattern that was duplicated/copied and passed down from my family who always struggled with not having enough money.


I commit myself in expanding my realizations about the energetic of consciousness and money and utilize that understanding in showing myself and others the way towards equality and oneness, which is the only solution to the problems that threaten and diminish all.



[1] Heaven's Journey to Life, Day 3

Day 9 The Alluring Illusion of Mental Energy

"I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand how Money drives the very Energy of and within my Mind, and thus fuels and defines the nature of my thoughts, internal conversations and reactions of emotions and feelings."[1]

Looking at this dimensional schematic, I am struck at the obviousness of the truth of this sentence of self-forgiveness. The ubiquitous interplay and influence of money upon the energetic development and operation of our minds is nearly impossible to see for one's self unless it is pointed out by another. The energetic patterning and contouring within our multiple personalities - and we have many called up for any situation that presents itself - due to the desire for acquiring money has usurped, or maybe become, our reason to exist. It certainly channels one's thoughts down specific pathways to the point of extinguishing the wonder of Life and replacing it wholesale with a cheap and tawdry imitation based on a conceptual extension of ourselves as money. In the old days, God was the focus of spiritual contemplation. But for a long time now, money has taken God's throne. And it may turn out that the two are most likely the same thing.

"Think and Grow Rich," written by Napoleon Hill and popularized by the movie The Secret and other New Age charlatans was the ultimate statement of intent of the spiritual justification of acquiring wealth by focusing one's mental energetic of the specific goal of acquiring wealth through consistent, conscious focusing on greenbacks. The Americans were always going to be the first at this game as such a stance elevates American Individualism and Exceptionalism to patriotic and spiritual heights. I even bought into the positive-thinking crap to some extent, and when that predictably failed, I continued making my thoughts all about having money, getting money or wanting to get my hands on it in any way possible. "

There isn't anything left wrong with me that money couldn't cure," is a line from a song by the Waitresses that I wholeheartedly agreed with. If only I had enough money to do everything I want... I can't tell you the amount of days I wasted day-dreaming about that one.

So I'm here to say that thanks to the above realization, I am very grateful to have the opportunity to begin dismantling the monument of my energetic mental structures I've created in response to  my obsessive desire over money and the lack of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form obsessive thoughts towards money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form obsessive thoughts towards the lack of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form obsessive thoughts within my constant daydreaming about money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form obsessive thoughts forming various plans in acquiring money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself toform obsessive thoughts towards money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form beliefs about my state of well-being as it is connected to money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form judgments over my effectiveness as a human being with the amount of money one has in their bank account.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to covet the objects of what others have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the energetics of money determine which patterns my mind obsesses over, which is money and the things money can buy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience time as being divided in-between paychecks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself toactually believe that there is nothing left wrong with me that money couldn't cure is "true."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a strange, improper and codependent relationship to money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become moved by the highs and lows of money coming and flowing out of my life.

I commit myself to change my codependent relationship with money to where I am not influenced by its flow.
I commit myself to change the patterns of thought that have been the expression of self- sabotage where money is concerned.
I commit myself to stop participating in the covetousness  of other people's things.
I commit myself to stop the backchat of daydreaming about acquiring things.
I commit myself to stop measuring my life in the interim between paychecks
I commit myself to adhering to a budget and become more effective with money
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[1] Day 1, Who I Am as Money - Heaven's Journey to Life Blog



Day One Heaven's Journey to Life Blog