Day 24: The Comedian

What is a comedian? Someone who tells jokes or stories in a humorous way. Someone witty and clever. I became a comedian because it kept me sane while growing up in a world that became more ludicrous and absurd the older I got. Absurd = absolute nonsense. The absurdity of life has so impressed human beings that a philosophy, existentialism, was created just to try and make sense out of it. At times my life was full of events so bizarre and preposterous that when tragedy struck again and again, all I could do was laugh about it.

I understood how jokes and comedy worked. Comedy is always based on lies or deceptions that blow back on the instigator in some way. Look at any situation comedy in the history of television and you'll see that what I am saying is valid.

Some of my favorite novels excel at extolling this trait of comedy/ Such as Catch-22. Television shows like Peep Show and Extras. To keep myself from getting beat up so much as a kid, I relied on self-deprecating humor. It worked. But I never really understood why I had to imagine life was an exercise in absurdity. Because everything we do is directed to deceive and divert attention from ourselves. And sometimes, or often, hilarity ensues.

Life is not a joke, however. I believe we can all agree on that. Life can be unimaginably cruel and painful, and there are no laughs to be had for the billions of people who are not able to enjoy themselves with a chuckle.

One time I was staying with a friend who got upset about something... I don't remember, nut may have been something I did. Anyway, I made a joke about it and she said, "Don't do that. You can't interrupt someone's pain with a joke." At first I thought she was being a little too precious, but now, I think she may have had a point. However, having a sense of humor can't be the worst thing in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perform as a comedian without understanding why I do so,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on using self-deprecating humor in menacing situations instead of just standing up for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the mask of the comedian, as I did so to keep people at arms' length, and so I was engaging in deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for using humor sometimes to be the center of attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unaware of my actions when engaging within the personality role of the Comedian.

I commit myself to not employ comedy

Day 23: The Atheist

During my career as a long-standing atheist, amazingly it has just occurred to me that I have probably never changed the mind of one single religionist. Certainly nobody in my family, who no longer speak to me, but that's okay. I'm not missing the acrimony and the obligatory sea of bitter recrimination, thank you.

Atheists, listen to me. You are never going to change the mind of a religionist no matter what you say or how many times you call them "stupid."  It's pointless. And if you go to the atheist reddit dungeon, Christ Almighty, it's simply ridiculous the way the atheists bitch and moan about how stupid Christians, Muslims and Jews are. I get it - the meme  posters can be funny (on both sides) - but it's never going to get the religion out of the person. You might as well pray to an invisible man in the sky, as it will give you the same results. I guys the wise - guys at r/atheism  believe they're doing something without actually... um, doing something.

Well, I used to be the same way, full disclosure. My eyes would light up like a lighthouse beacon on a clear night. Still do. One of my favorite pastimes was to find out that someone was a Christian and attempt to engage them into a border war discussion (always friendly). I thought I was doing them a favor, but it never really produced a "thank you," in any case.

The other arena I found myself relishing the religious debate was of course, on the Internet. I really enjoyed taking the piss out of nitwits who attacked members of Desteni and felt justified in bashing then (always friendly) to pieces on You Tube or wherever. After a while, I got tired of it. If Christians or have been hypnotized by their holy books, so be it. They're hypnotized. I just have to find minds that are a wee bit more open. These folks usually make better conversation anyway.

The best way for atheists to deal with religious people is to leave them alone. Most atheists behave like religionists, anyway - and the funny thing is that they don't see the evangelical nature of meme - ing the Internet to death.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for thinking that Christians were stupid and too dull to realize that they've been duped, as I didn't understand that these people had been assaulted by the mind control devices that are the "holy books" of religion. I realize there's not much that can be done in these people and I commit myself in not doing that anymore.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy engaging in war - like arguments about religion, pitting what I thought was my superior intellect and point of view towards defeating the religious imbeciles. I realize this is counter - productive, and a waste of time, for I will only be seen as a "test" that was sent from God, anyway. So I commit myself to not doing that anymore.

Day 22: What haven't I seen Part 2

Part 2 from yesterday:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not paying attention to details.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse my inattention to detail by saying, "But I'm not a detail guy!"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not paying attention which caused me to miss my job interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for becoming depressed about missing my interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for blaming myself for missing my interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for "tuning out" when people talk to me. This began when I was a child, tuning out to whatever my mother was saying after I thought I understood what was going on, and I've carried this throughout my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when my past employers want to tell me something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when my past relationship partners wanted to tell me something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tune out when Denise would start talking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for tuning out because people bore me with their talking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when I'm reading something because it's boring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when I am reading because my mind assumes I know what someone is trying to say.
I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself become distracted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not listening.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for realizing tuning out isn't acceptable, but I do it anyway
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tuning out because I can't be HERE when I do that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated when someone is talking and I don't want to listen to them anymore.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to be left alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to tell people when they get boring to "shut up."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not paying attention when people are talking to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm smarter than most people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not taking responsibility for my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for forgetting to breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for judging myself when I don't breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling helpless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  for fearing of feeling helpless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've forgotten how to cry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not standing up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel without worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling useless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for feeling like nothing is going to work my way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people with jobs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who have a play to stay.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who have nice cars.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who can buy anything they want, at anytime.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who seem to live carefree lives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people with lots of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who don't have to work at crummy jobs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself for being jealous at the people who can go to the store and buy as much food as they want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being more effective in standing up to the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for beating myself up because of not paying attention.

I commit myself with stopping the urge to drift off in my mind's arcade gallery. especially when someone is trying to communicate with me.
I commit myself to become less irritated when I have to listen to someone communicating with me when I am "busy" or rather be doing something else than talking to this person. That irritation is a learned pattern that I developed within my family and it doesn't serve me anymore, so I am committed in dropping that response and breathe and relax.
I commit myself to stop feelings of jealousy towards others who I perceive having "more" than I. That kind of response doesn't serve me and so I am committed to drop that response as well

Day 21 What I haven't Seen Part 1

How that I have not been HERE.
I haven't been HERE. I've only been in my mind. Not being HERE is causing a lot of problems. It causes me to miss information, to miss what's being said, causing misunderstandings, irritation and fear, because I don't know what I am doing or saying - just reaction. Not being HERE also causes judgments, avoidance and a lack of self-responibility.

Why is it so hard to BE HERE? It's because I spend so much time in my mind. I know that I shouldn't, but it's like an addiction, where I want to quit, but I can't. Or rather, don't know how to. I know the breath is important, but staying with it feels impossible, because I go into fear because I can't maintain it.

Why is this coming up? Because I need to make money bad so I can pay my bills and someday get back to the farm. And I've been struggling to find a job, and I had a pretty decent shot at one until I "blew it." I didn't pay attention to the map I had made and got lost, missing the interview. The question arose as I drove back home. " Why am I sabotaging myself?"

I apparently missed a few points about working, rendering the earlier self-forgivenes ineffective. It's all related, my "issues." I stop "not listening,"  and take full responsibility for my actions.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be present in every single moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe being HERE is not all important.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself in not being HERE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself in NOT being Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge instead of listening.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying self-forgiveness to this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not  be fully Be Here, because I don't know how.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a dishonest being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form judgments instead of listening.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not getting a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to no fear losing my jog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be frustrated with not finding a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that I will never find a job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in avoiding being present HERE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not paying attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for FEARING to pay attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for avoiding myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend too much time in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I don't know how top stop being addicted to thinking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because "thinking is easier than breathing."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging myself because I can't breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being aware of what I am doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being aware of pretending to know what is going on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for avoiding what is HERE by living in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing by breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging breathing as "so hard to do."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as "not good enough" because I can't be with my breath every moment.

Part 2 next

concerned).

Activist's Journey To Life: Day 204: I See Your Point, But I Still Don't Care

Activist's Journey To Life: Day 204: I See Your Point, But I Still Don't Care: Every one of us, at one point or another, fail to act. We fail ourselves by not honouring our commitments. How easy is it to make a choice...

Day 20: The Nightmare of the Survivor

I was standing at the counter of my job when someone came up to me and asked how I was doing.

"Surviving," I said. He responded, "Yeah. I know what you mean."

We both knew. everybody knows that surviving through all the thousand natural shocks the flesh is destined to suffer though is the name of the game. Shocks that are ever felt until our last breath. After all, we are all survivors... and live long enough to know we survive... for a brief time.

The unpleasant truth about the human being is two-fold. we all know that we must live an enormous amount of time suffering with the knowledge of a fate that no one can escape, a growth through a slow protracted decline (which paradoxically seems to occur very fast), which ends in death. Life to most of us is survival in suffering unto a great, final erasing from existence. Yet we erected many tough-sounding platitudes to fortify our resolve to that would allow us even get out of bed in the morning such as, "Only the strong survive!" What they really mean is only the strong survive for a while. No mention that the weak suffer too long and hang onto life in what must seem like an unreasonable proposition.

The point that I'm attempting to make in this disjointed, rambling rant is that I'm sick of "surviving." I know you are too. Whether if it is slogging through a shitty job, or a shitty relationship or a shitty life, I know we are all sick and tired of living to survive.There just doesn't seem to be anything we can do about it. It seems that living to survive according to how much money you have and surviving to live according to how much money you have is the best idea we can come up with. It isn't. This is. An Equal Money economy. But I understand it's years away. Looks like we'll have to survive a little while longer before this gets done.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that "surviving" is a noble characteristic of the human being. I didn't realize that there is nothing "noble" suffering through a life of hardship for all of us who have nothing or are blocked from having enough to live with dignity and honor. We are all trapped within the jaws of a nightmare for survival, a nightmare that is unfortunately all to real and that nobody cam awake from until we all establish what is best for all, which is equality for all. Yet until that happens, this nightmare will continue devour and torment all until nothing left will remain.

I am grateful that I know have a chance in this life to awaken from this nightmare, grateful that I have something to work towards overturning rather than helplessly standing by and accepting and allowing this horrible dream to continue.

Day19: Apolitical

My political views have shifted during my time here on Planet Earth. I was born into a patently Democratic family for the most part. When I have voted, it's been either for Independents or Democrats. The last Presidential election I participated in was waaaay back in 1984 when I voted for whoever was running against Ronald Reagan (some stiff called Walter Mondale who lost nearly every state in the election).

But I noticed something in the years that followed. It seemed that the Democrats weren't all that different from the Republicans in the way they went about their business, that business being mostly looking out for their own asses first. I started looking at other political  perspectives to find one that was aligned to my way of thinking.

Well, that was a bit daunting, as the American political flavors only come in two kinds of Vanilla. I began studying libertarianism, which at first seemed like the answer to my prayers. But as I began communicating with them through various message boards I realized that a lot of them were assholes, mainly Republicans who wanted to legally get high, not pay taxes and purchase their own highways.

I moved further to the left - which wasn't all that surprising since I would never move to the right - and found some voices that spoke to me. Emma Goldman. P.J. Proudhon. Karl Marx. Voltairine de Cleyre,  and Noam Chomsky. I had been frozen solid by the voices of anarchism. I spent a year or so delving into anarchist thought until I read Bob Black and the post-anarchists. By now I am pissed - because I realized that anarchism was just as big of a dead end as the democratic and republican capitalist parties. While the anarchists made some very cogent points, such as the incompatibility of capitalism and liberty because of the crypto-authoritarianism of the market, their political dreams were as unworkable as the systems they rightfully criticized. I found myself in a conceptual pickle. There was really no visionary, effective or workable  political framework that could address or solve the problems that we currently face. That is, until the Equal Money point emerged.

But there's something I have to get off my chest. I was political snob. I disliked people who identified themselves as Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Tea-baggers, Libertarian, whatever. In the past I would have said that they were all more dumber than a bag of rocks, which of course, wouldn't be fair to rocks. In the past, while I carried very profound political opinions, I stopped voting. I stopped because I felt that the political game was rigged. You have to be a millionaire to even run for office. You certainly have to be well-connected and agreeable to all kinds of shady, corrupting deals along the way. I just didn't want to be a part of it. I was even leery of Mr. Hope Obama when he ran for president. However, I have recently realized that it is essential to become more politically involved - now more than ever. Why? Because it's the only way to change this fucked-up system - from within. It's admittedly a long shot, but it's got to be better than being apathetic and doing nothing.

In this year's Presidential election where Obama and Romney are set to duke it out, I feel that apathetic feeling again. But maybe I'll write in Ralph Nader...


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that engaging the political process was an exercise in futility, as it seemed to me that nothing ever changed for the better. If you don't play the game yo can't affect the outcome.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to succumb to feelings of hopelessness which led me to become politically apathetic and irrelevant.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resist to participating in the political process because I didn't trust any party enough to even want to participate.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become disillusioned with politics because of my perception that the process does more harm than good.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resist all political perspectives as "stupid," "venal" and "corrupt."
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that all politicians are primarily concerned about their own self-interest rather than achieving solutions for their constituents.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that politics have become "evil" and a destroyer of humanity.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to distrust every word that falls from the lips of politicians, because of my belief that they say nothing but lies that allow them to be entrenched in their seats of power.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe, even so briefly, that the political perspective of anarchy could be a viable alternative to what currently passes for politics.

I realized later that anarchy is an unworkable theory that sounds good on paper but could never be used in the form advanced by anarchists and libertarians. I realized that there will have to be some kind of central planning to keep society together because people are too programmed to exist in a de-centered society the libertarians and anarchist fancy. It was a revelation when working on the Equal Money how simple the solution is, and yet how much fear and resistance the concept Equal Money can generate within people. It seems most humans do not want what's best for all if it's thought to override what is best for self. This is kind of like a self-hypnosis that blocks off the simplicity and grace of equality from consideration - even in smart, intelligent people. So for this reason I commit myself to spreading the Gospel of Equality all over the Internet until it comes to fruition. And that also means becoming politically involved.

Can I get One Vote for the Equality Party?