Day 42: Selling Scared

How can it be that one day I was completely stoked into getting to the store and selling shit at Big Boxco and experience a great, satisfying day and the next day I worry and fret about performing the exact same actions and proceed to lay one flat, uninspired gigantic egg? Well, it happened and let me share how that came to be and how I was able to understand what happened in my process in order to self-correct myself when I see myself repeating the steps that led me down that road.

Generally, I’d been feeling really good about my performance so far throughout this cycle. I feel I’ve been consistent and able to bring everything I’ve learned previously in sales and apply the new systems I am integrating into the mix. I’m having fun even though it is hard work. I look forward getting to the office to learn new things every day. I can’t think of a “job” that I’ve ever felt that way about.

This past Monday I was so sure I was going to get those numbers I was looking for and I had a ton of energy going in and I connected well with everyone I spoke to. It feels like I’m in a flow and everything clicks.

But afterwards, I felt a little worried about the next day, Christmas Eve. I had three flavors of the four pizzas left to offer, and I only had a few packs left of the one that people seemed to like. I allowed doubts and questions to creep into my mind how I was going to be able to get through the day selling two of the less desirable flavors.

I resolved to go out on the next day and make it great for myself and the club members, anyway.

The morning started promising. I dropped a bundle as I was setting up my table. I felt silly for allowing pointless worries to dampen my attitude. There was only one other vendor working a sample station and I thought I had it made!

But for reasons that weren’t readily apparent to me, people seemed slow to pick up anything from the table. The little dude in the back of my head began to track the clock and calculate how many units I’d have to catch up with in order to reach my goal. The deeper I got into the day, the more I felt that I was fighting a losing battle against time. I stubbornly relied on my training and on the systems I’d been taught, with no appreciable difference. I was caught in the horns of a dilemma - and I know myself well enough to understand that some time would have to pass after I walked through this point to apply effective self-analysis and learn from it.

And it came to me after I left a message for my team leader. The last thing I said was I didn’t have that connection with the people I normally had and in a second after I spoke it, I realized why. I was flat and had a crappy experience because I was... wait for it... afraid to sell what I had. And even though I told myself that I was going to have a super-duper day and would be swinging for the fences, that fear only became submerged and repressed. Those thoughts, fears and doubts directly influenced my energy level and my connection with the people.

This is an experience I’m sure everyone can relate to, and I am sure fears will pop up again. I understood it before, but now I have a clearer understanding of why protecting your attitude is so important. In a job where so much depends on one’s mental health in order to be a success, allowing doubts and fears to invade your mind is the quickest way to have a miserable day in sales. And what makes it even more crucial to understand is that those doubts and fears were all in my head! They weren’t even real! They were just ideas I had about some imagined scenario in imagined future outcomes that took me off-course and out of the present moment, which left me unable to be effective in that moment --- because I was believing the story I was imagining in my mind instead of being totally present in my reality and having fun with it as I usually do.

So, in order to release those suppressed fears and doubts for good, I forgave myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience fears and doubts to become my experience that prevented me from connecting with people and reaching the goals I set for myself. I let myself off the hook. And I’m glad I went through it because I now better understand the points within myself I need to focus and strengthen. And that’s cool.

Day 41. Energy or Stability?

I was sitting in a group of people who were discussing the Law of Attraction, energy and positive thinking. There were a lot of perspectives being bandied about and while such talk usually ends up boring me, thankfully the conversation turned a corner and someone related the very brief story of the bamboo tree. To grow a bamboo tree, one has to water for what looks like a whisper of a sprout for years and years. One needs to attend to this sprout consistently, attending to water it every day for years. I don't know if this last bit is true, but after 7 years the bamboo suddenly shoots up to a hundred feet tall, or whatever. I don't know anything about bamboo. They do seem to grow very high, though.

I liked this story so much better, however. Firstly, it was instructive in how one doesn't need energy to achieve an outcome. Patient, consistent action and a will that doesn't give up. A recognition that you can't sidestep or shortcut the programming of a bamboo plant also requires no energy. Is it possible that energy isn't as vital as an ingredient to manifesting what you want as it is believed by some?

As I rolled that over in my mind it occurred to me that all my failures in my life came about due to my reactive mental state, emotional instability or just plain giving up. In relationships I must admit in falling on all three points simultaneously. Often. They aren't joking: hindsight is indeed 20/20. If I had only realized how much I was about to lose by falling into emotional, reactive states which I thought, bizarrely, would somehow get me out of trouble. Looking back, it's hilariously funny now that getting out of trouble was never in the cards for me. Giving into emotions, desires, energy and giving up always seemed to leave me worse for wear. It was unfortunate that I couldn't tell the difference or read the moment when it was really time to give up and when it was time to let go. If I instead remained stable throughout the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, I could have benefited from better decision-making. I could have saved myself and the people around me from having to deal with loads of unnecessary shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be captivated and carried away through energetics of feelings and emotions - I didn't understand the nature of energetics nor considered that they may not be beneficial to me or others in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to destroy myself and others through misuse of energy and unclear thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider patient stability in dealing with my problems and within my relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly look for shortcuts to reach my goals. This was done out of an inability to slow down and patiently apply myself effectively to the task at hand.

I commit myself to exist with consistent, patient action that brings about the result I'm looking for rather than focusing energy of achieving completion of a goal.

Day 40 The SHIT Gurus say Part 3

The syllable gu means shadows The syllable ru, he who disperses them, Because of the power to disperse darkness the guru is thus named. — Advayataraka Upanishad 14—18, verse 5

The tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao The name that can be named is not the eternal Name. The unnamable is the eternally real. Naming is the origin of all particular things. Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations. Yet mystery and manifestations arise from the same source. This source is called darkness. Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding. - (1) Tao Te Ching, Trans. Stephen Mitchell 

 I suggest, that one consider, forgiving yourself for every single point where you have denied yourself the insight, the realization, the common sense that Life is Equal within everyone.  For that, Forgiveness is a tool, because in that you give yourself freedom from your delusion.  - Bernard Poolman

So gurus exist to disperse the darkness? That's so like them. Maybe that's why I never trusted any of them. Krishnmurti (J, not so much U.G. - he was actually kinda cool), Alan Watts, Osho, the Buddha Boy, etc. I just couldn't get behind any spiritual teacher enough to say, "Yes, that's it. I'm following him." When I look back on it, that attitude may have been ingrained within me from when I was involuntarily dragged to different churches during my childhood. I hated them all for the most part, and I especially loathed the preachers. I hate to get all Holden Caulfield on ya, but anyone could see they were all phonies. If I was going to accept spirituality, it would have to be acceptable on my own terms, not what somebody else said about it. My problem was that I accepted too much of it, far too much to see and recognize the farce and the illusion of its entirety. Yes, that's right, I knew and understood that most of spirituality was bullshit. Course of Miracles? Bullshit. The Urantia Book? Bullshit. Ramtha? Bullshit. But the Seth Material, the works of the ancient Gnostics, Theosophy and Conversations with God? Oh, those were just fine! I bought into those works because they contained the right amount of pure bullshit that I found agreeable. That’s the key. Everybody tends to gravitate towards the perspective that carries the same frequency of their programming, knowledge and information. And then become controlled by that.

What is interesting is that all these works have the same built-in deficiencies: not one of those sources of “wisdom” addressed why so much evil shit kept happening, and for all intent and purposes, that evil shit seemed to grow at an exponential rate with each new day. The more I got into it, the more it began to frustrate me. I didn't really want to know the secret behind existence as much as learning what could be done to fix and repair this world. In the end, spirituality taught me that it could only offer vague blandishments and esoteric, meaningless bullshit. Spirituality contains no solution, you know. Bullshit, no matter how esoteric or meaningless, is never about a solution. That's why it's bullshit. But in the hands of a master bullshit artist, like a politician or a guru, one can make anything sound beautiful and relevant. And since people have been programmed to equate flowery bullshit with "truth" and "nice feelings," they can find more than enough dupes to subsidize their lifestyle and self-illusion. Most people are content with living with bullshit. But gurus make their followers feel “special” by dispensing “pure bullshit.” As Riz Mirza says, “It’s a great gig.”

And now you know why gurus exist - to find people to subsidize their lavishly-built spiritual illusions. The job of the guru is present themselves as shortcuts to Enlightenment. And that for a commission, they can shortcut enlightenment for you, too. The Guru will promise if you follow his methodology, teachings and perspectives, you can become "more" than you are now. You will become a “new being” if you will chose to feel "happiness" and positive and believe that your new self-definition is real without doing a goddamn thing. Well, except giving the guru money, recognition and followers. Gurus teach how to "disperse the darkness" of the real world be escaping from it by fleeing into a false consciousness filled with rainbows, unicorns, energy, light and love and feelings.

It is unfortunate for gurus and their hapless followers that they will never consider that their knowledge, consciousness, energy and feelings – everything that makes them feel good about themselves - are not real. The only reality that matters is the one they are trying to escape from. And the gurus and their followers of Light and Love are too enamored with their own perspectives to ever break free of their self-delusion to consider anything that doesn’t “feel good” or justify their self-interest.

So, how did I manage to break out of that spirituality bubble? I realized that it didn’t answer the questions that I had or cared about. I wanted to know about why the world was so fucked up and people were so shitty to each other. Why governments and corporations have been allowed to run rampant over the lives of beings that have become disposable commodities. I didn’t see the connection between all of that and walking around with a phantom of St. Germaine on Mount Shasta or being in contact with aliens. I couldn’t connect the dots. It was an interesting detour from the awful reality of this world, but the awful reality world never went away. And I guess in the end, I felt more of a connection to the abused and the disposable and the powerless in the world. That’s why when I finally bumped into the Desteni Material, I felt like, “Wow. This is the shit!” The missing blanks filled in with common sense and hard, gritty substance that did not forsake the real world. The search was over. The news that the Desteni Material brings isn’t a sugar-coated cake to make you feel good about yourself – but it will make you reconsider your priorities, and more importantly – take goddamn action to really change yourself and your world. If you are only concerned with maintaining your own special, light - filled scene, then you’ll only see demons. Which is to say, you’re only seeing a reflection of yourself.

DAY 39 THE SHIT Gurus Say Part 2

And still there's more.

I had another realization upon waking up this morning. The dynamic of the seeking and the search for the "ultimate truth" about life is as old as there have been human being with enough consciousness to wonder what this life is all about. The gurus, more or less, have always said it's to follow their methods or the Gods or a specific religion or "path," or whatever, but recently (well, within the past 150 years or so) a new raison d'être has been offered: to be happy, healthy and goddammit - to feel good! I hear it feels good doing cocaine and heroin and crystal meth - but do it enough and it will kill you.

Is this the crap that passes for "wisdom" these days?  Even a sociopath will feel good about taking advantage of another and feel nothing for any suffering his actions will cause another. People who are religious will "feel good" about their religion and not pay attention or care about their fellow human beings, and will feel good about dropping bombs on them or starve them in order to destroy or convert rival religionists.

Obviously, the "feeling good" bit is a purely sinister piece of garbage that this Light-peddlers push to others to consume. How unfortunate for them that they have no idea that the light they worship and love is something they have no understanding of -  or even the awareness of its vampiric, reptilian nature. How better to control and consume a being's life-force than make it feel good and warm and fuzzy to that being? They will not only love (or notice) that their life-essence is being drained away, they will throw their money at anyone who shows them how to become a willing, unsuspecting victim!

I read this bit this morning, from Creation's Journey to Life:

Consciousness is simply the attempt of the system to understand itself. It‘s the attempt of the Organic Robot as the human trying to understand its point and its purpose within a system. A system within a system attempting to “evolve” into something. It knows there is something. It knows there must be something more, but it can't find it. Because, it's never really looked. 

It’s because the point that you know that is “more” is the point that you don't want to look at. It is the point that takes away all your specialness, it takes away all your fear. It takes away all what you regard you to be, so that what remains; is that which is Equal in Everyone. [1]

You know, this also came up after last night's blog. There was something fascinating to me about the gnostic drama of the Demiurge. The Demiurge in ancient pre-Christian religions was a prideful, inferior being that creates the material world and was frequently identified with the creator God of the Hebrew Bible by pagan sects. His world was flawed because the Creator was flawed, and this explained why the world was so fucked up. This made sense to me, much more than a "good God" creating a flawed and fallen world, as my Christian friends would say. However, there was a point that nobody looks at, and I was among that number.

The Gnostics claimed that there was a "higher" Good God that was "alien" and totally unconnected with this world and that this God somehow - and there are various systems and diagrams and differences of opinion on how this was accomplished - was able to place a secret particle of itself within human beings that it called back to the "Source" of this Good-Alien-God, just as long as you knew the right combination of words or symbols or teacher to follow. This is what we call a back-door. This is what we call self-limitation.

Stay with me. It's a back-door because even this seemingly ingenious model of salvation offers a familiar illusory escape from one's responsibility of having to deal with the world by saying it is "someone else's fault," when all you have is the mind's fiendishly clever acrobatics to escape the hook.

It is self-limitation because nobody ever considers the awful possibility that there is no benevolent Big Daddy watching out for all us poor souls slaughtering and being murdered by each other. It never occurred to me that it was possible that the Light could be the best masquerade for evil ever devised. It never occurred to me to contemplate the ramifications that our universe could be governed by a malevolent force that meant to use us as food. Well, until the first Matrix movie came out. Then I could see it wasn't beyond belief. And when I discovered the Desteni Material, I was able to put 1 + 1 together.

What have we done: 

In the forms and the systems and our expressions we have taken on – we have disregarded Life, and we have made the system, the personality, the ‘spirit-idea’ of everything more than what Life is. 

We have in fact become ‘larger than Life’, and in that has been our demise. 

We have lost our humbleness. We have lost our consideration of each other. We have lost ‘love’ in fact. 

And we’ve made of ‘love’ a definition, an idea, something that we’re attempting to express – but we do not within it consider that it exist in fact within each one as Life. And that Life in consideration of itself within all equally: Is what Love really is. It is within that – which we are One.

[1]http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/day-485-end-of-self-awareness-part-3.html#sthash.U4fv7sXf.dpuf

Day 38 The SHIT Gurus Say

I came across this post on facebook by some lightworker guru that goes by the name of Riz Mirza and something called the "Circle of Light." Mirza posts a lot of this positive-feeling, light n' love pap on a daily basis, and I usually just skip over his posts without commenting. But the other day I stopped long enough to take in what Mirza was laying down, to my regret. Here it is:

The words will only take you so far if you do not change the feeling inside of you that you are not “complete.” That what you are seeking is what shall set you free instead of what you ARE setting you free. Setting free the inner truth of your Being. You see, life then becomes a search to find the ultimate truth in everything. An exclusive search for an exclusive truth. Who knows it? Which guru? Which book? Which modality? What place on Earth is the most spiritual? It is people who make any place spiritual. Any place becomes spiritual when it is you who surrender to Love."Emmanuel channeled by Riz Mirza at The Circle of Light Red Eagle Ranch, Malibu— with Oriah Mirza.

Darryl Thomas Does the present moment sounds like it holds empty, New Age gibberish?

Riz Mirza Sounds like you already made up your mind about it Darryl. Why even phrase it as a question? The NOW is the present moment in my belief, and I choose to believe in its limitlessness. All beliefs are a choice and I love my choices. They work for me very well!

Darryl Thomas Life is not a "search for ultimate truth." This shows me you do not have much understanding of reality. Life isn't about a "search for truth," because the truth only exist as who you are in any given moment. The key is to understand that seeking knowledge and information are the surest way of becoming ensnared by the chains of enslavement of consciousness. Choose to believe as you wish - if you dare to understand the "truth" of belief is simple - you believe something is true because you say it's true. But it doesn't actually make it true, Riz Mirza.

Riz Mirza It sure does make it true for me and thats all that matters Darryl. Whatever I Believe is true! And I am so happy! Hope you are too!

Darryl Thomas Yeah, you go on, then. Because being happy is the most important thing one can achieve, especially in a world torn apart by self-interest, war, starvation, poverty and violence. Being a guru must be a great gig. I mean, as long as YOU ARE HAPPY - what else matters?

Riz Mirza Nothing else matters except happiness and I do it by loving people. And I go on and on till the break of dawn. It's an awesome gig.



And there you have it. According to Riz Mirza, "nothing else matters except happiness." I reckon he means "nothing else matters than his own personal happiness." All the people destroyed and torn apart from the suffering in life? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. Wars, poverty and economic abuse that reduces good people into cheap-clothes producing slaves? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. Children dying of starvation and a poisoned environment? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. Governments claiming they can't feed the poor but seem to have plenty of money to pay for wars and the destruction of human lives that entails? Nothing else matters than his own personal happiness. 

And, get this, Riz Mira will "go on and on till the break of dawn." There it is - your Light N Love Burger serving of the day, the worst kind of solipsistic navel-worshipping bullshit masquerading as some kind of philosophical "wisdom." And that this bullshit is "channelled" by something called "Emmanuel" makes it even worse! Really? "Emmanuel?" How original. 

Apparently this "Emmanuel," which actually only a pathetic portion of Riz Mirza's mind that has broken off as a separate personality and talks to other people (a condition that psychiatrists would "multiple personality disorder"), has nothing really enlightening or compelling (or original) to say. What he is saying is the opposite of profundity. "The present moment has everything you need to manifest all that you desire." Is that so? Is manifesting all that I desire the fucking point in anyone's life? Is that the "ultimate truth" in life? Is that the reason why were are here on this wonderful green planet - you know, the only place we have to live... the only place in the universe we can call home, the same home we are all busily turning into a fantastically fetid, ghastly pile of shit? Are you sad and unhappy with yourself? Emmanuel and Riz Mirza says, "Don't worry, be happy!" 

Which is the biggest reason why people have always fallen for the lines that these slick, snake-oil salesmen dressed in fancy white suits lay down. People only care about themselves. And those people are the New Age's BIGGEST CUSTOMERS! I used to go all in within the New Age movement back in the 1980s, but I could never get used to that attitude of the overarching self-importance and pursuit of personal happiness at the expense of everything else that was going wrong in the world. It never made sense to me then, but I learned a long time ago that these light-blinded fools, as exemplified by the vacuous, dishonest and stealthily sinister hogwash put forward by hucksters like Riz Mirza, only care about their own ascended asses. Nobody else matters to them except those that help feed and nurture their despicable arrogance.

If this seems a bit harsh, it's because you do not know how awful these people are. What makes them awful is that they are helping perpetuate the systems of economic enslavement, mental tyranny and a love n light authoritarianism that serves only one purpose - to make these gurus famous and rich without serving any higher purpose. And above all, THEY ARE LYING THEIR ASSES OFF. It's unreal. 

Thanks for reading. I had to get that off of my chest.

The (Former) Seeker

Day 37 - Once more into the breach...

I don't know how other people do this, committing to writing their 7 year process blogs and never quitting. Jesus fucking Christ, when I see that there are loads involved who have hundreds and hundreds of posts, I stand in mute admiration. I tip my hat to them that hey can manage to find something interesting to say in each post. It can't be easy and yet, they do it faithfully and consistently.
It's really something to behold and it gives me a lot of support, even if I don't read them all. It's great knowing that people are taking their process seriously enough to get the job done, no matter what.

I suppose now it would be expected from me to divulge all my regrets and shame for not having been walking the point with the same level of dedication and perseverance, but that would be hokey, corny and a bit self-serving. Who needs to hear my excuses or reasons? They are too numerous to recount and it doesn't really matter. Because in this moment I've decided to show up and see what happens if I apply myself - to get this off the ground yet again.

Any point worth investigating is worth working it out in words. I don't have a problem working with words, it's working with words with myself in the middle. Which I mean to say, I have a problem facing myself in relationship to sharing these observations with the world. The word that pops up is, "secretive." I'd rather not tell you who I am if I have to - or at least, if I have to tell anyone anything about me, it has to be interesting or fun to put the effort into sharing it with others.

There are many blogs that I have written that were given up on, because I wasn't saying anything "important" or I judged my writing to be mental bullshit that didn't really say anything (I'm actually feeling that this blog is quickly headed that way now). Often they just end with a *thud* Who wants to read that kind of shit? Not me. Especially the awful, crappy, twisted things that are banging around in my consciousness.

The question that might come up is who am I writing this stuff for, anyway? Myself? Anyone who stumbles upon this? Ah, it's an exercise in excavation within my ridiculous, fevered mind. I guess that I'm only doing this because it's actually a matter of life and death (not that anyone who isn't conversant in Destonian vocabulary (so here you go, noobs) would understand what I'm talking about).

Oh, shit. It's starting to come back to me - the reason why self-writing is important (and cool) Because it is a most effective way to recover "the past and create the new as the correction to be lived." Der-hay. I knew that. Then I forgot it. And know I know that again. It's just that there's so much goddamn "correction to be lived," it can take your breath away. Maybe permanently. And that wouldn't be good for me.

Oh, well. I guess I'm posting this because of a growing and gathering danger of unintended consequences playing havoc on my life by putting things off. Maybe procrastination isn't good. But again, that's only part of my problem. Sharing myself with myself basically means getting my thoughts out of my head and into words, sentences and paragraphs for myself to look at, evaluate and consider what the hell is going on with me. I guess that's a good reason to do it. And maybe with consistent practice and application, I'll really discover things about myself that I don't mind putting out there on the Internet.

So, as Shakespeare's Henry V says, "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!"
Time to let the shit and the excuses and the self-doubts go. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create justifications, judgments, reasons and excuses for not committing myself to writing consistently.  I understand those reasons and excuses where opportunities to not stand up within my own mind and get the contents within my consciousness outside of my head where I can view them as words, and have a look at them and help myself become more effective and stable in my world. I now understand that I have been making this writing process a lot more difficult than it needs  to be, because the question occurs to me that why not get all this out in the open and deal with that junk effectively if I have the capacity to do it, learn from it and change for the better? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complicate my world by willfully complicating my thoughts to such a degree I become a bit hesitant to face these thoughts, even though I may dismiss them or not view them important enough to comment on or write out. I've come to understand that it's just not worth it anymore. Especially when I realize how much there is to gain in just following a few, simple steps that if I apply in good faith (pardon the word) will make my mind a lot easier to live with. So once more into the breach, and create a new version of myself that will become on that I can look back without sorrow and regret. 

See you tomorrow!

The Seeker

Cool video from Sunette: Waking up from the Consciousness Dream World

Day 36. Grouchy

Grumbling, morose and sullen. It's a thing called being "grouchy." When does this personality pop up? Through some kind of frustration or annoyance or commotion going on in the house. Things sometimes conspires to make me grouchy, and really, I don't really care for that feeling, anyway.

I'm not feeling grouchy now, but earlier today I was being bugged while trying to work. It always seems that if I'm not doing anything, nobody bothers me. Just when I'm working. Dogs barking, doors slamming, interruptions. Eventually I just go into the basement and wait for the noise to die down.

It's been two months since I posted a Journey to Life (JTL) blog, and there's been a lot that has happened during that time. In and out of the hospital twice, falling in love with Strawberry Jello, getting back to feeling more like myself in years and years, which makes me and my partner very happy. A lot of being "grouchy" (I believe) was because I was ill for so long that my body, mind, relationships suffered. "When the mind is damaged, the body is damaged," someone I know once said. It's true. I experienced this psychic and physical distortion for myself.

So I'm not as "grouchy" or taking things so personally these days. I'm still mulling and considering what it is in the thoughts, beliefs and feelings that I have had that produced such a manifestation of illness. And after what seems like a vacation from self-responsibility, I'm learning - or reacquainting myself how writing from the gut again. My journey it seems, is just beginning...




More to come..