Day 4 - Failed Relationships and the Pattern of Secrecy

I've had so many failed relationships that it would be very hard and lengthy blog to read. I imagine it could fill a good size book to relate.  But I will simply recount the major pattern present in my life with the relationships that I am responsible for failing and then relate to myself and you the corrective statements as how I will restore and honor the relationships when faced with the same pattern again.

When I look back on all of the failed relationships of the past, I'm aware of a particular pattern that I circulated within my relationships. That singular pattern was really horrible communication, which isn't surprising to me because I never, ever told my partners what was going on within me.In my friendly guy personality I often played it close to the vest when it came to relationships. In other words... I never told them what was going n inside my head.

I wonder if most guys in relationships have operated in the same way. But from my experience the women, my friends or family, never fully knew what was going on  with me. And I liked that. It gave me a certain sense of power over the relationship situation since they had no idea what I was up to. Of course, I didn't know what I was up to, either. I was affectionate, yet detached - even more so after the buzz of romance faded. My relationships all sort of fizzled and ran out of gas at the end. Often I fell into relationships without knowing the woman very well, which would just as often end in disaster since I didn't  really know them so they turned into something I didn't bargain for. And when it was the rare instance that I did know or care about the person, some event or situation would suddenly burst in and seemingly wreck everything beyond repair.

I've never met a woman I wanted to marry in the past, but yet, I've been married and divorced twice.I've explored the reason for this since then, since both times I wanted to say no but didn't.. I thought I  felt sorry for them. They were nice and should have someone in their lives, although I didn't realize at the time that it didn't have to be me. And besides, I've never believed in marriage. I should have told them, since a statement to them would probably have settled the matter. I could always get out of it when it suited me. Of course, I didn't tell them that. Looking back, maybe I should have. Maybe they wouldn't have taken the chance. But it was the pattern of secrecy, a mental pattern I have, forming relationships on my terms as much as possible - but not getting very close, and certainly not close enough to let anyone know what was ever up with me.

Perhaps it was fear of being controlled by women. I always desired them and felt they always had the upper hand in the relationship because of that desire. So I presented a personality that was adjusted to the other woman's expectations. There were a few women who "got" me, but it all ended the same way, sometimes to my regret, with me leaving them for something more "exciting" that I sought for but never found. Why did I never find what I was looking for? Because what I wanted was only an illusion within my mind.

Facing my self here within this is extremely uncomfortable. I haven't yet forgiven myself extensively enough yet and really, I live with the regret of having knowing that I could have saved myself (and the women in my past relationships) a whole lot of grief just by being honest with them and myself. But I couldn't grasp the idea of self-honesty or being honest with myself at all.

Within my current agreement, the situation that I face with my partner has been enormously satisfying without all the of mind-games, secrecy, jealousy, self-interested hidden agendas; you know, all the flag points that doom relationships to failure. The fact that relationships are never begun within the starting point of helping each other to come to grips with who we really are and to self-realize on equal terms shows the depraved nature of what we have done to our relationships.

To get myself out of the delusion of finding "love" or "happiness" was not such a tough sell, since I didn't really believe in those things anyway. Once I began to consider the idea of self-honesty did I realize the harm and damage I was doing to myself and others through my dalliances and deception.

• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be aware of destructive, self-interested patterns that directed me within my relationships.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be aware of the pattern of secrecy and non-communication with others in my relationships.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be aware of  how destructive it was to others and myself in not sharing who I was at that time self-honestly. 
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the harm I caused to myself and my partners through presenting a false personality for them to deal with instead of my secret personality of which they had no clue existed.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by presenting a false-personality, I did not achieve any "power" in my relationships, but only used a coping device to hide my fears and self-deceptions of being in relationships.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize why all my relationships fell.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize by falling into relationships without knowing the other person or myself was a key factor for the relationship to fail.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I mainly sought relationships with women so I wouldn't have to be alone.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop myself before cheating on my partner.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that relationships are not formed just to serve the interests of my ego. 
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that there was no "perfect woman" out there that would make me happy.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that ideas of finding a perfect mate was just an illusion created in my mind.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it was pointless to blame my partner for ruining the relationship when the fault was equally shared by both of us within the separation formed through self-interested secret agendas between us.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand what I was doing when I agreed to marry women I didn't really want to marry.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand the harm and destruction I have caused in my relationships by simply not sharing my secret mind with my partners.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize when I engaged in the same self-destructive pattern of secrecy and presenting a false-personality to all my relationships.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop the mind games, hidden agendas, deal-making, competition and deceptive acts and thoughts within trying to begin, maintain or end a relationship.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that to engage in a successful relationship, it is my responsibility to bring authenticity, clean hands and laying all cards on the table.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my fears about women and being in relationships drove me to commit acts of dishonesty and self-dishonesty. as I tried to protect myself within relationships -  and I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop those acts even after I saw that they added nothing meaningful to my life, but actually subtracted my self-worth and self-respect.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand  that I was powerless to force relationships to conform to my liking.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the others when the relationship failed.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that when my relationship failed, it wasn't the other person's fault. 
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop the backchat and gossip about the women who "wronged" me to others.

To correct the above patterns 

I commit to recognize the pattern of secrecy and hidden agendas and stop them when they come up in my present agreement.

I commit to be transparent and open with my current partner, even when I think she will disapprove or become upset.

I commit to honor and respect my current agreement with my partner by not engaging in playing mind games, competition and secrecy.

This was a very interesting stroll down Memory Lane. I'm glad I am able to share it with you.