Day 4 - Failed Relationships and the Pattern of Secrecy

I've had so many failed relationships that it would be very hard and lengthy blog to read. I imagine it could fill a good size book to relate.  But I will simply recount the major pattern present in my life with the relationships that I am responsible for failing and then relate to myself and you the corrective statements as how I will restore and honor the relationships when faced with the same pattern again.

When I look back on all of the failed relationships of the past, I'm aware of a particular pattern that I circulated within my relationships. That singular pattern was really horrible communication, which isn't surprising to me because I never, ever told my partners what was going on within me.In my friendly guy personality I often played it close to the vest when it came to relationships. In other words... I never told them what was going n inside my head.

I wonder if most guys in relationships have operated in the same way. But from my experience the women, my friends or family, never fully knew what was going on  with me. And I liked that. It gave me a certain sense of power over the relationship situation since they had no idea what I was up to. Of course, I didn't know what I was up to, either. I was affectionate, yet detached - even more so after the buzz of romance faded. My relationships all sort of fizzled and ran out of gas at the end. Often I fell into relationships without knowing the woman very well, which would just as often end in disaster since I didn't  really know them so they turned into something I didn't bargain for. And when it was the rare instance that I did know or care about the person, some event or situation would suddenly burst in and seemingly wreck everything beyond repair.

I've never met a woman I wanted to marry in the past, but yet, I've been married and divorced twice.I've explored the reason for this since then, since both times I wanted to say no but didn't.. I thought I  felt sorry for them. They were nice and should have someone in their lives, although I didn't realize at the time that it didn't have to be me. And besides, I've never believed in marriage. I should have told them, since a statement to them would probably have settled the matter. I could always get out of it when it suited me. Of course, I didn't tell them that. Looking back, maybe I should have. Maybe they wouldn't have taken the chance. But it was the pattern of secrecy, a mental pattern I have, forming relationships on my terms as much as possible - but not getting very close, and certainly not close enough to let anyone know what was ever up with me.

Perhaps it was fear of being controlled by women. I always desired them and felt they always had the upper hand in the relationship because of that desire. So I presented a personality that was adjusted to the other woman's expectations. There were a few women who "got" me, but it all ended the same way, sometimes to my regret, with me leaving them for something more "exciting" that I sought for but never found. Why did I never find what I was looking for? Because what I wanted was only an illusion within my mind.

Facing my self here within this is extremely uncomfortable. I haven't yet forgiven myself extensively enough yet and really, I live with the regret of having knowing that I could have saved myself (and the women in my past relationships) a whole lot of grief just by being honest with them and myself. But I couldn't grasp the idea of self-honesty or being honest with myself at all.

Within my current agreement, the situation that I face with my partner has been enormously satisfying without all the of mind-games, secrecy, jealousy, self-interested hidden agendas; you know, all the flag points that doom relationships to failure. The fact that relationships are never begun within the starting point of helping each other to come to grips with who we really are and to self-realize on equal terms shows the depraved nature of what we have done to our relationships.

To get myself out of the delusion of finding "love" or "happiness" was not such a tough sell, since I didn't really believe in those things anyway. Once I began to consider the idea of self-honesty did I realize the harm and damage I was doing to myself and others through my dalliances and deception.

• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be aware of destructive, self-interested patterns that directed me within my relationships.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be aware of the pattern of secrecy and non-communication with others in my relationships.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be aware of  how destructive it was to others and myself in not sharing who I was at that time self-honestly. 
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the harm I caused to myself and my partners through presenting a false personality for them to deal with instead of my secret personality of which they had no clue existed.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by presenting a false-personality, I did not achieve any "power" in my relationships, but only used a coping device to hide my fears and self-deceptions of being in relationships.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize why all my relationships fell.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize by falling into relationships without knowing the other person or myself was a key factor for the relationship to fail.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I mainly sought relationships with women so I wouldn't have to be alone.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop myself before cheating on my partner.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that relationships are not formed just to serve the interests of my ego. 
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that there was no "perfect woman" out there that would make me happy.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that ideas of finding a perfect mate was just an illusion created in my mind.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it was pointless to blame my partner for ruining the relationship when the fault was equally shared by both of us within the separation formed through self-interested secret agendas between us.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand what I was doing when I agreed to marry women I didn't really want to marry.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand the harm and destruction I have caused in my relationships by simply not sharing my secret mind with my partners.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize when I engaged in the same self-destructive pattern of secrecy and presenting a false-personality to all my relationships.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop the mind games, hidden agendas, deal-making, competition and deceptive acts and thoughts within trying to begin, maintain or end a relationship.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that to engage in a successful relationship, it is my responsibility to bring authenticity, clean hands and laying all cards on the table.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my fears about women and being in relationships drove me to commit acts of dishonesty and self-dishonesty. as I tried to protect myself within relationships -  and I also forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop those acts even after I saw that they added nothing meaningful to my life, but actually subtracted my self-worth and self-respect.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand  that I was powerless to force relationships to conform to my liking.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the others when the relationship failed.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that when my relationship failed, it wasn't the other person's fault. 
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop the backchat and gossip about the women who "wronged" me to others.

To correct the above patterns 

I commit to recognize the pattern of secrecy and hidden agendas and stop them when they come up in my present agreement.

I commit to be transparent and open with my current partner, even when I think she will disapprove or become upset.

I commit to honor and respect my current agreement with my partner by not engaging in playing mind games, competition and secrecy.

This was a very interesting stroll down Memory Lane. I'm glad I am able to share it with you.

Andrea's Journey to Life: Day 4: Xenophobia and Hate Crimes

Andrea's Journey to Life: Day 4: Xenophobia and Hate Crimes: HATE CRIMES : According to the Criminology and Security Sciences Study Guide (2012:166), from the University of South Africa hate crimes a...

Day 3. Changing Jobs and my attitude towards working. A blog that's taken me a week and a half to write...  Now, the below graphic pretty well sums up my attitude to jobs... especially the crummy jobs I've ever held.

It hit me today, in an existential moment, not for the first time, but quite sudden and forcefully. Man, I really don't like working for a living. Many years ago I came across "The Abolition of Work," by Bob Black an infamous screed that is either hysterically tongue-in-cheek or more serious than a dozen heart-attacks.  It begins:

"No one should ever work.
Work is the source of nearly all the misery in the world. Almost any evil you'd care to name comes from working or from living in a world designed for work. In order to stop suffering, we have to stop working...

The degradation which most workers experience on the job is the sum of assorted indignities which can be denominated as "discipline." Foucault has complexified this phenomenon but it is simple enough. Discipline consists of the totality of totalitarian controls at the workplace -- surveillance, rotework, imposed work tempos, production quotas, punching -in and -out, etc. Discipline is what the factory and the office and the store share with the prison and the school and the mental hospital. It is something historically original and horrible. It was beyond the capacities of such demonic dictators of yore as Nero and Genghis Khan and Ivan the Terrible. For all their bad intentions they just didn't have the machinery to control their subjects as thoroughly as modern despots do. Discipline is the distinctively diabolical modern mode of control, it is an innovative intrusion which must be interdicted at the earliest opportunity."

As I am in the process of changing jobs, I realize that essentially, it is illusion to believe a "better job exists." Oh, undoubtedly some pay more than others, and for a lot of people, that is its own reward, but really, all jobs have an essential and obvious common feature. You have to work for someone else in order to have money to survive. And even if one has their own business, there is still a need to rely and worry about money that must be taken from other people. 

But back to my existential moment. Maybe it was because the job is so new and I haven't totally integrated it into my being to the point of systematic mechanical repetition, but for a moment I was struck at how working jobs to survive is the definition of purposeless. Even the jobs that had been "cake" (as well as the ones that were quite hard) we still marked by a pointlessness that was depressing. Even though we all have been trained to get our heads into our jobs after we shake off the nausea we experience when we realize how utterly hollow, meaningless and absurd being a wage slave is just to be able to live as wage slaves hopelessly attached to this predatory capitalist system. We have all given permission and consent to be enslaved like this, making an unconscious mockery of any sense of "freedom" we Americans so enjoy to trumpet to the rest of the world. But anyone who is employed knows on some level is somewhat aware of the fear of succumbing to the system that lies nestled in the back of their brainpan, that we have consented to be trapped and  locked into our jobs without gaining a handle on how to change things.


How did the trap become so alluring? Why did we not see what made the trap so fiendishly clever was its circular nature?

Perhaps it  blossomed within the mythology of American exceptionalism and programmed into children through the Pledge of Allegiance dubious and highly fictional history books along with a well-meaning phrase that was in reality a trap, and was introduced into our being without ever being questioned:

"Life, liberty and the pursuit of Happiness..."

Which, according to sources, evolved from the leading lights of the 18th century Enlightenment, such as slave master and Founding Father George Mason, who drew up Virginia's Declaration of Independence, writing;

"That all men are by nature equally free and independent, and have certain inherent rights, of which, when they enter into a state of society, they cannot, by any compact, deprive or divest their posterity; namely, the enjoyment of life and liberty, with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining happiness and safety."

Of course, this sounds like good common sense that verges on the Utopian, but was not, unfortunately, only taken seriously by the members of the elites. It was always a rhetorically rich-sounding and deceptive ruse because that phrase only applied to them - not to the drones and worker-ants of the system that profited them. The "pursuit of happiness" in the 20th century has been transformed into the question of how many electronic toys one has or how many friends one has on Facebook.

Sounds cynical? You BET! But going back to the original point in this blog, the reason why I left my previous job was because I reacted to being sent home for being three minutes late. But I'm not mad now, as I am simply grateful for the nudge to do something either more lucrative or interesting (my new job(s) potentially pay twice the amount I've been making - but it's still just another wage - slaving system to gobble up my time and energy while giving the right to buy my survival. I can't tell you how much I resent this.

###

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I carry resentments for having to work pointless, repetitive jobs that have left me feeling unfulfilled and exploited.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in resentment for participating in an economic system which exploits people's time and energy for having to acquire money in order to survive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in blaming others for the way we have chosen to live this way where we exploit and rob each other of time and energy in order to survive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for the human stupidity that cannot see this current system is unsustainable and threatens to drag us all down into being erased from existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted by work and by the thoughts of going to work, what I will be doing after work and how work will get me the money for things I need and want to buy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the trap for what it is and still not do anything about finding a solution except for resenting working in a capitalist economic system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resenting my bosses for not being smart, not knowing what they were doing and blaming them for things that went wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the staff I was supervising for not taking their job seriously by fucking around too much.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent going to work, being at work and having to drive home from work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dreading to update my resume in order to look for a new job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having to contact potential employers about job openings.

I forgive myself foe accepting and allowing myself for dreading filling out endless job applications.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dreading to take those stupid personality profile tests because I don't know how to answer them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dreading the interview process where I have to act like a grateful jackass and pretend that I really want what I know will be, a crappy job that won't give me enough money to do what I need to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent the money I do make because it never seems to be enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resenting being a wage slave.

---

This is opening up nicely. Part 2 tomorrow where I will finish this self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements because, um... I have to get ready for work.

TO BE CONTINUED....






.

DAY-2: The Consequences of Seeking Knowledge

Surely, there can be no consequences in seeking knowledge, I'm sure many will say. Knowledge is to consciousness like air to lungs. The acquiring of practical knowledge, technical knowledge, scientific knowledge is what drives the social evolution of the human. We have all been taught that those things that are considered the crowning successes of human achievement is owed to the mind and the mind's search for answers in an ultimately unknown and seemingly indifferent existence.

When I look back at my pattern of acquiring knowledge, I am a bit curious that I didn't fully see the uselessness of the endeavor. Don't get me wrong. I'm not an anti-intellectual or Luddite or against the mechanics of consciousness or its applications, generally speaking.There are countless people more intelligent than myself who get paid a lot of money for thinking a lot. But in my case, the search involved years and years of searching for an elusive key that helped explain everything. I looked into nearly everything, and everything seemed both to be plausible and downright looney-tunes.

And what was the end-point of it all? In my pattern of endlessly searching for an "answer," I accepted and allowed this sick and dying world to continue to be sick and dying; My seeking, which was in large part trying the figure out why the world was so fucked up in the first place, ultimately had no effect. I'm sure there are like-minded people who feel the same way, they they can initiate a welcome and meaningful change to the world through acquiring knowledge... or through accessing freedom of the mind by the use of drugs. Or sayings in an ancient religious tome. Or the wise words of a Guru or a trance medium. I did it all, but I failed to grasp one salient point:knowledge is useless... unless placed into action.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the search for knowledge is a meaningless activity which fails due to not being able to direct action in a sufficient way.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand what true knowledge is only as effective as its proper application.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that through devoting all my time to reading metaphysics and philosophy, I did nothing to correct and sort out our world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am superior for being more well-read.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand on my knowledge as power.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for relying on knowledge as a way to deal with the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that MY version of my acquired knowledge is the best version.

I commit myself to relax and drop my reliance on knowledge as a way to deal with the world.
I commit myself to strengthen my self-directive principle in acting what is best for all rather than believe the empty promises of knowledge and information.
I commit myself to further understand why philosophers and metaphysicians have no real effect on this world due to the nature of philosophy and metaphysics where both engage heavily in mental speculation and emotional brainwashing, and neither of these disciplines have a hope in solving the problems in this world.
i commit myself to stop all backchat about myself being "more clever" than others (Self-interest).
I commit myself to stand in whatever knowledge and information I have acquired and channel it into the Living Principle of what is Best for All. I understand that my version of knowledge and information is not the "best"or cleverest around.

Day 1

Preamble:
This blog is a consists of a 7-year experiment, a journey into Life through recounting 2556 days of identifying and deconstructing harmful psychological patterns through the process of self-forgiveness and self-correction. Why is such a protocol necessary, and what is this "Journey into Life" that I am talking about? Well, you will be able to discern this through walking this journey with me and others who have decided to reprogram ourselves within applying self forgiveness and aligning with self-correction.

I realize that what I've shared so far is loaded with inscrutable jargon but stick with me, it will make more sense as we go on. I will be doing is essentially marking a specific personality pattern that I have been experiencing that day. Then I will state the self forgiveness, then state the self correctives. This isn't a blog about blaming others. Self-honesty then emerges as a living principle and the scales begin to fall.

The moniker, the nom de plume that I have chosen is "The Seeker." But the seeker of what? Of knowledge, of course. I sought after the knowledge all people do who are concerned with this reality and what the source of my being is made up of and why it even exists in the first place. I reckon that most people don't even care about such epistemological daydreaming or philosophical questions about the nature of reality, but I did. I sought answers through knowledge, ancient and modern, believing beyond reason that someday I would find all the answers I was looking for by applying my intellect and being willing to look into everything. But as the Joker once said to Batman, how do you fool the greatest detective? Place the clue right under his nose!" I have no problem telling you that I may have wasted decades looking for clues when the answer was planted firmly under my nose. Hah.

Being involved with Desteni has helped me tremendously in sorting out what is important and what is mere tomfoolery. While the hater element arrayed against the Desteni Group is small, uninformed and very, very fearful of the Destonian message of Equal Money System, it is gratifying to see more people than ever has been responding to the Desteni message then ever before. I feel and expect that this blog will be of great assistance to myself and to any that are drawn to walk this process with me.
Cheers,
"The Seeker"


Day 1


I am hating my current job and I am looking for a new one. I was sent home for being 3 minutes late. I have a perfect attendance record where I've never called in sick or missed a day. The management team wanted to "send a message" to the other workers. Yes, it appears my MGMT wants to intimidate the workers in order to squeeze the most money out of this store. This pissed me off. The next day I showed up 10 minutes early with no fanfare... and what do you know, a coworker waltzed in late and the management said nothing.

So now I look at the pattern of being "victimized at work," which has occurred at times (but not frequent enough to always find myself in middle of it.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have been "victimized" by my job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger for having been sent home from work because I was 3 minutes late.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for blaming the others for "picking on me for no good reason" through "overreacting" in sending me home for being 3 minutes late.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become more angrier the more I thought about what happened to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine "getting back at them."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for arguing the point for 20 minutes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unfairly dealt with" by management.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have backchat in my mind obsessing over how I was mistreated and wondering what they were saying behind my back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fume over how much I'm being paid and how much better off I would be with a "better job."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel "offended" that these two would play this game with me.

Within writing out these self-forgivenesses, I realize that I am existing as a specific pattern of inferiority within the workplace through taking statements and actions by others personally. So I commit myself  to no longer take what is said about me personally nor will I react or accept someones judgment of me as if what they are thinking about me is true. I further commit to no longer wallow in self-judgment and judgment projected upon me by others. I further commit to releasing this pattern of workplace inferiority completely, as it doesn't serve me in any way. I commit myself to not let the opinions of others about me to cause me to doubt myself or my sense of self-worth. I walk and stand within myself and continue t believe in myself, here, and my talents and abilities.




When Life is Given to All equally, Love is Born. When Love is Given to All Equally without the Practicality required that Makes Life possible equally for all regardless of Limitation, this Love is Evil as it Pretends that Limitation is an Illusion. If you Cannot Give Life Equally while in Limitation in a Practical Way, you can also not Receive Eternal Life. To Give to All Equally while in limitation is An Act of God, And that is the god that is Love. You are what you Allow while in limitation and This Echo in Eternity. you will never be More that what you Allowed while on Earth in every way. -Bernard Poolman