DAY 39 THE SHIT Gurus Say Part 2

And still there's more.

I had another realization upon waking up this morning. The dynamic of the seeking and the search for the "ultimate truth" about life is as old as there have been human being with enough consciousness to wonder what this life is all about. The gurus, more or less, have always said it's to follow their methods or the Gods or a specific religion or "path," or whatever, but recently (well, within the past 150 years or so) a new raison d'être has been offered: to be happy, healthy and goddammit - to feel good! I hear it feels good doing cocaine and heroin and crystal meth - but do it enough and it will kill you.

Is this the crap that passes for "wisdom" these days?  Even a sociopath will feel good about taking advantage of another and feel nothing for any suffering his actions will cause another. People who are religious will "feel good" about their religion and not pay attention or care about their fellow human beings, and will feel good about dropping bombs on them or starve them in order to destroy or convert rival religionists.

Obviously, the "feeling good" bit is a purely sinister piece of garbage that this Light-peddlers push to others to consume. How unfortunate for them that they have no idea that the light they worship and love is something they have no understanding of -  or even the awareness of its vampiric, reptilian nature. How better to control and consume a being's life-force than make it feel good and warm and fuzzy to that being? They will not only love (or notice) that their life-essence is being drained away, they will throw their money at anyone who shows them how to become a willing, unsuspecting victim!

I read this bit this morning, from Creation's Journey to Life:

Consciousness is simply the attempt of the system to understand itself. It‘s the attempt of the Organic Robot as the human trying to understand its point and its purpose within a system. A system within a system attempting to “evolve” into something. It knows there is something. It knows there must be something more, but it can't find it. Because, it's never really looked. 

It’s because the point that you know that is “more” is the point that you don't want to look at. It is the point that takes away all your specialness, it takes away all your fear. It takes away all what you regard you to be, so that what remains; is that which is Equal in Everyone. [1]

You know, this also came up after last night's blog. There was something fascinating to me about the gnostic drama of the Demiurge. The Demiurge in ancient pre-Christian religions was a prideful, inferior being that creates the material world and was frequently identified with the creator God of the Hebrew Bible by pagan sects. His world was flawed because the Creator was flawed, and this explained why the world was so fucked up. This made sense to me, much more than a "good God" creating a flawed and fallen world, as my Christian friends would say. However, there was a point that nobody looks at, and I was among that number.

The Gnostics claimed that there was a "higher" Good God that was "alien" and totally unconnected with this world and that this God somehow - and there are various systems and diagrams and differences of opinion on how this was accomplished - was able to place a secret particle of itself within human beings that it called back to the "Source" of this Good-Alien-God, just as long as you knew the right combination of words or symbols or teacher to follow. This is what we call a back-door. This is what we call self-limitation.

Stay with me. It's a back-door because even this seemingly ingenious model of salvation offers a familiar illusory escape from one's responsibility of having to deal with the world by saying it is "someone else's fault," when all you have is the mind's fiendishly clever acrobatics to escape the hook.

It is self-limitation because nobody ever considers the awful possibility that there is no benevolent Big Daddy watching out for all us poor souls slaughtering and being murdered by each other. It never occurred to me that it was possible that the Light could be the best masquerade for evil ever devised. It never occurred to me to contemplate the ramifications that our universe could be governed by a malevolent force that meant to use us as food. Well, until the first Matrix movie came out. Then I could see it wasn't beyond belief. And when I discovered the Desteni Material, I was able to put 1 + 1 together.

What have we done: 

In the forms and the systems and our expressions we have taken on – we have disregarded Life, and we have made the system, the personality, the ‘spirit-idea’ of everything more than what Life is. 

We have in fact become ‘larger than Life’, and in that has been our demise. 

We have lost our humbleness. We have lost our consideration of each other. We have lost ‘love’ in fact. 

And we’ve made of ‘love’ a definition, an idea, something that we’re attempting to express – but we do not within it consider that it exist in fact within each one as Life. And that Life in consideration of itself within all equally: Is what Love really is. It is within that – which we are One.

[1]http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/day-485-end-of-self-awareness-part-3.html#sthash.U4fv7sXf.dpuf

Day 30. Complaining

I hate complainers and I hate complaining even more. Really, the only thing worse about hearing someone complain is hearing myself complain. It makes me feel small and spiteful. Not while I'm complaining, but later after I've calmed down. I usually feel a small twinge of embarrassment. Especially when someone is complaining about your's truly. Then I feel pissed off. Then I ask myself who takes complaining seriously?

So everybody - STOP COMPLAINING! When you do it makes me want to run through a hospital with a Bic Lighter.
But seriously, complaining is a reaction of frustration and blame. And getting over such blaming and complaining takes a tremendous effort (and self-forgiveness). So for all you complainers out there, a simple message for you all: it gets better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having lived my life as anger through complaining. Complaining seems like you're fixing a problem while you're actually only talking. Or thinking. It feels like venting in this way relieves "pressure," but it really only compresses and crystallizes whatever you're complaining about. It's like a flame that burns and never goes out since it is constantly fuelled by emotions, feelings and desires to get even somehow with what I'm complaining about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into complaining instead of breathing and looking at the thing I'm complaining about is really that big of a deal.

I commit myself to stop complaining and not take things that aren't to my liking in a personal way.
I commit myself to stop complaining because I believe I'm helping myself out, because I know that I am not helping myself out.  I'm just blaming and accusing which places me into a timeloop again and again. I stop. I realize finally that it doesn't do me any good.

Day 22: What haven't I seen Part 2

Part 2 from yesterday:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not paying attention to details.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse my inattention to detail by saying, "But I'm not a detail guy!"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not paying attention which caused me to miss my job interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for becoming depressed about missing my interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for blaming myself for missing my interview.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for "tuning out" when people talk to me. This began when I was a child, tuning out to whatever my mother was saying after I thought I understood what was going on, and I've carried this throughout my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when my past employers want to tell me something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when my past relationship partners wanted to tell me something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tune out when Denise would start talking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for tuning out because people bore me with their talking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when I'm reading something because it's boring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tune out when I am reading because my mind assumes I know what someone is trying to say.
I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself become distracted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not listening.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for realizing tuning out isn't acceptable, but I do it anyway
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tuning out because I can't be HERE when I do that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated when someone is talking and I don't want to listen to them anymore.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to be left alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to tell people when they get boring to "shut up."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not paying attention when people are talking to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm smarter than most people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not taking responsibility for my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for forgetting to breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for judging myself when I don't breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling helpless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  for fearing of feeling helpless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've forgotten how to cry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not standing up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel without worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling useless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for feeling like nothing is going to work my way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people with jobs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who have a play to stay.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who have nice cars.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who can buy anything they want, at anytime.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who seem to live carefree lives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people with lots of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being jealous at the people who don't have to work at crummy jobs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself for being jealous at the people who can go to the store and buy as much food as they want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being more effective in standing up to the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for beating myself up because of not paying attention.

I commit myself with stopping the urge to drift off in my mind's arcade gallery. especially when someone is trying to communicate with me.
I commit myself to become less irritated when I have to listen to someone communicating with me when I am "busy" or rather be doing something else than talking to this person. That irritation is a learned pattern that I developed within my family and it doesn't serve me anymore, so I am committed in dropping that response and breathe and relax.
I commit myself to stop feelings of jealousy towards others who I perceive having "more" than I. That kind of response doesn't serve me and so I am committed to drop that response as well

Day 12: The Good Guy Character

Looking into the character of the Good Guy, I realize that this is one I've accepted and invested a lot of time in. The Good Guy emerges from my Midwestern roots program. Midwesterners are laid back, plain talking and for the most part, like to pretend that we are very decent people. Good Guys and Gals are Good People: the ones to be counted on and who stood up against Evil. Manners. Politeness. Things that make people feel at ease and comfortable. When looking into this , I realize that this is one I've accepted and invested a lot of time on.  I always wanted to be the Good Guy, ever since my childhood when my mother needed a Good Guy to help her out. Obviously since the Good Guy is often frustrated and humiliated by trying events and bad relationships, behind the smile there is a lot of resentment and anger within that character that can leak out in many ways.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for creating the Good Guy as a defense mechanism against uncertainty when relating to people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a persona that protects my self-interest in the form of "helping out others."

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for believing that the Good Guys should always "win," without realizing that winning must create a loser in a competitive battle where the most important thing is to be a winner - thereby creating the justification of being "right." 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself for believing that the Good Guy is always Good, and not looking at the misdeeds and deceptions that also make up my life's story.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become identified with "the Good" while secretly doubting the efficacy and effectiveness in the Good's competitive battle with Evil

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place more attention on the idea of "doing good" rather than being a more effective and self-honest person

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that Good People are "better" than Bad People.

I commit myself to reevaluate the character of the Good Guy and bring it into line within the principle of Oneness and Equality, and seeing where my character contributes to self-dishonesty by wrapping itself with the mantle of "goodness" and "fair play" without actually changing myself into a person that transcends this false dichotomy and works towards the benefit for all, equal and one.

Day 8: Betrayal!

"My friends ain't enough for one hand." [1]

This post has taken me over a week to post. I spent (err, wasted) lots of time ruminating over the subject - to make sure I get it just right. But it doesn't seem to be happening for me. But one week is enough and I'm just going to let it out so I can move past this wall of indecision here.

Everyone goes through this. That special event where one is "betrayed" by friends, or those whom once thought of as "friends." The evaporation of trust whether if it manifests in an instant or a long-drawn out growing suspicion has the same effect. One is left wondering how one missed all the signs that were obviously there. For my part I have always felt a moment of disorienting nausea when betrayed by someone. Obviously one can only be betrayed by those one previously trusted. Arthur Miller claimed that betrayal is the "only truth that sticks." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but the chance of being betrayed by people is one reason why I never got very close to many people. Another way of saying this is that I trust very few. And the more I've been betrayed, the fewer that list gets.

Here's one story about betrayal I don't mind sharing. A couple of close friends of mine promised to put me up at their house for a while until I could get back on my feet. I expected to be there for a month or two but it was only four days before I was told I had to leave and they threw me out on my ass in the middle of a snow-crusted Ohio winter. It was a bit strange to be on the receiving end of this kind of treatment, especially from people I had known for decades. But this is not to say I have been guiltless of betraying others. Far from it, although it would be a close bet on who I've betrayed more, myself or others (I've certainly betrayed myself more times). This would be a lot easier post to write if I concentrated on the numerous ways people have betrayed me. However, such a tack would not lead to self-responsibility but to blaming others and forgetting the pattern that was mine established within self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for establishing the pattern of betrayal within my self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that others could "betray" me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a fear of being "betrayed" by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for betraying myself over and over again, whether it was from an idea of self-preservation, survival or self-interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to betray Life by not living what is best for all at all times.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being so indecisive about how to post this blog on betrayal due to doubts and fear I held for not getting the blog "right."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing myself withing indecision of "how" this blog  "should be written." I see now that my indecision was resistance and hiding from what I faced in myself within the subject of betrayal. I didn't want to face or see who I was/am within "being betrayed," betraying myself and betraying others.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to posses the required integrity that allowed self-sabotage and betrayal of myself and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to betray myself as life when I by not following through everything that needs to be followed through. This extends to all parts of my life.

I commit myself to halt this pattern of self-sabotage.
I commit myself to stop betraying myself with irrelevant nonsense.
I commit myself to stop betraying others with irrelevant nonsense.
I commit myself to become worthy of birthing myself into the physical and not be satisfied and distracted by the mental illusions of my mind.

[1] The Fall. "Frenz."_"The Frenz Experiment"_ Beggars Banquet. 1988.

Day 7 The Desire for Special Spiritual Knowledge

Deep into my spirituality years I was quite the seeker of what I thought was rare and obscure metaphysical information that was contained in channeled materials. I didn't follow everything as some of it was evern too goofy for me to swallow. Such as the Course in Miracles, which never failed to put me to sleep with ponderous mumbo-jumbo like this:

"What is healing but the removal of all that stands in the way of knowledge?" (p. 188)

Actually, this kind of sentiment would have appealed to me, if I hadn't looked deeper at what it really said. In any case, I just couldn't take most of it. Really. "What is healing but the removal of all that stands in the way of knowledge?" That doesn't even make sense. Knowledge is just a bunch of information that someone acquires. I suppose knowing that fire is hot and ice could comes in handy, but would one really call an agency for the restoration of health? As a metaphor, this type of metaphysical goo stinks, because it doesn't say anything substantial. And that the problem with metaphysics as a whole, especially when it's words coming from the "spiritual realms" where nobody can independently verify anything that has been claimed. What one is left is a clever arrangement of words, words, words purported to descend from "Masters" who work for the benefit of lifting Humanity up from the gross material world to the rarefied spiritual planes.

However, during my time as a spiritual Seeker, I was into channeled material big time. My favorites were Jane Roberts' Seth Material and the Messages from Michael. I read a bit of Kyron and Ramtha, but they didn't tickle my knowledge bone, and plus I didn't trust what was coming from Ramtha and suspected him to be a fake. The Seth Material was ultimately my cup of tea. I fell into it through searching for the meaning of a White Light experience that had recently occurred in my life and what the Seth Material spoke of seemed to fit perfectly. Neale Donald Walsch was also on my radar, but the more I read of his Conversations with God, the more I began to see nothing within that series was actually of any substance. Try applying those precepts. They simply don't work.

What I didn't understand or even ask myself was where did my desire for knowledge come from? I did have the sense that what I was looking for was some kind of direction, but never did I question (until many years later) whether such a yearning could have been used as a means of control. This only became apparent when I chose to step outside of what I perceived to be control: instead of experiencing freedom and clarity, bad things always happened to me. But I saw that bad things never seemed to happen to those who profited from obviously evil, pathological acts like the war-mongers and the super elites. I always seemed to lose more and more the further I tried to live whatever special spiritual knowledge I had acquired.  So have many other well-meaning humans throughout time. And we got nothing out of it. Even those who did, like Mother Teresa, was ultimately left with such oppressive doubts of God's power on Earth to the point where she even stopped praying. At least she had sense enough to question her faith. Over the years my faith in special spiritual knowledge began to erode with a greater understanding on how little impact it had in the affairs of the world. Perhaps if we amended the above ACIM quote to read:


"What is healing but the removal of all that stands in the way of common sense?"

 we could finally begin to see the scales faith and know fall from our eyes. But being the well-conditioned, self-perpetuating delusional robots people have always been, we won't drop their faiths and beliefs willingly or without much pain and suffering, which is unnecessary and inevitable. We do not know how to direct ourselves via common sense because we have forever relied on being directed by whatever knowledge or opinion strikes fancy in our ear. In order to appreciate the simplicity of the healing powers of common sense, we first have to acknowledge that what we have relied upon does not work for the best of all. It sure as hell doesn't work for most of us! Doesn't that appear to be a problem? The search for spiritual knowledge is the beginning of deception. Just ask Mother Teresa.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain the belief that I could attain some sort of freedom through the access of special spiritual knowledge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that special spiritual knowledge could change the world for the better and not understanding that no beliefs can ever change the world for the better for everyone, only common sense action within the living principle of equality can do so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my accessing special spiritual knowledge would be enough to change my life for the better, and not realizing that this was a desire based on self-interest alone and not of any benefit for anyone else.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question whether the search for special spiritual knowledge was something I directed on my own or was implanted in my head through acceptance of so-called spiritual knowledge from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in love with special spiritual knowledge I received through various books I read.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in love with special spiritual knowledge I received through channeled material from so-called "spiritual masters" and authors.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel "special" within my presumed understanding of special spiritual knowledge, as if I had grasped the Key to Life while others remained in the ignorance of their childish beliefs.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that if I only rely on special spiritual knowledge as my methodology to deal with the world, the knowledge only exists in my mind and is useless without taking all into consideration, and further, without action, such knowledge by itself, is the height of the self-deception of consciousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that consciousness is superior to the physical.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my search for special spiritual knowledge was a program that I had activated and not self-directed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that knowledge gained through consciousness was superior to ordinary spiritual knowledge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that my consciousness was equipped to discern between real special spiritual knowledge and phony special spiritual knowledge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a pattern of acquiring special spiritual knowledge as a way to feel good about myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was superior to others by virtue of having special spiritual knowledge and they didn't.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging myself as "stupid" and "manipulated" when I realized that my search for special spiritual knowledge was fruitless vanity.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as my search for special spiritual knowledge progressed, the less effective I became in directing my life.

I am grateful (eternally) that when I had finally put away my search for special spiritual knowledge I encountered the Desteni Material almost immediately. Never again will I succumb to White Light propaganda or religious belief systems, as they have proven to be utterly useless in addressing anything of relevance. I read the damn material and I saw what was missing: even though my heart was firmly with those who suffer and are without hope, I did not recognize my own self-interest within all things and I sure as hell didn't appreciate the extent of  my responsibility to all. This is why the Desteni Material is different. It embraces everything that special spiritual knowledge has ever rejected: what is Here in Oneness and Equality